Was It Something I Did?

[Atomic]

So glad to have found this forum, and I've been doing a lot of reading on cptsd. There's not a lot of advice for supporters out there.

My guy and I have known each other for a long time, on again off again, sometimes years in between contact. He suffers from cptsd both from combat and a very insidious, destructive marriage (in fact his wife emotionally abused him while he was dealing with his ptsd) . These were both LONG before he and I ever met, and we've known each other a long time now. We've both been in other relationships along the way.

Recently we decided to reconnect and it was instigated by him. He said he'd done a lot of healing work and was ready to go, his feelings were real.. We spent a few months in constant contact, and then a few days together and had a great time. Returned home. I could feel him being a bit distant and questioned him about it.

He has said at first he couldn't explain it, but after the first day felt very nervous while I was there but didn't know where it was coming from. He told me it wasn't anything I'd done at all, he was trying to figure a couple of things out but was coming up blank. He told me he cares very deeply for me, loves everything about me. Then it seems he started to unravel.

We are quite close, always have been, and have some pretty intense conversations about the life, the universe and everything. Including his cptsd and the whys and wherefores, he is very open with me about it. It is some quite awful stuff.

He keeps telling me he's sorry for hurting me, he hates himself, he's ashamed of himself when he's like this. I got a bit needy obviously, as I felt this great thing was slipping away. I've pulled up my big girl panties and stepped back to give him some space, telling him I'll support him and I haven't gone anywhere. He is such an awesome and beautiful man, it's really hard for me too to step back. I don't know how to help or what to do.

I think perhaps I've cracked open something when he's realised it could actually be a good thing, and old ghosts have emerged. ? I've rattled his foundations. I've asked him does he want space, does he want to never see or hear from me again, is he just unsure. All he says is he doesn't know anything and can't tell me anything more than he already has.

Help?

 

[Fadeaway]

It is more likely to be the vulnerability and the effort a relationship takes and not you personally. He probably doesn't know what he wants so let him figure it out at his own pace without placing any expectations for explanations he can't give.

I wrote this thread in hopes to help people like yourself. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/an-isolation-story.59439/

 

[Atomic]

Thank you, Fadeaway. That thread was a real eye-opener. I told him I'd step back for a bit and give him some space, and after reading your thread, space means no contact unless he initiates it. I haven't contacted him since I said I would step back. I can do that for a while, will put a time limit on it for myself. I hope I haven't done too much damage while I was ignorant of what he was in the middle of. I know better now.

It seems that no amount of OFFERED love and support makes a difference, so just leave him alone. He may never come back to me. Wow that's so hard to accept. :(

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't think it doesn't make a difference. It's just all the rest. At worst in memory he will remember that & that you were kind.

Best wishes to you. :hug:

 

[Atomic]

Thanks, Junebug.

If he can't do it or doesn't want a relationship because it's too hard, I've asked him to just tell me. This was in my meltdown, panic phase. He replies, but not with an answer to that question. Once I just messaged him with three words - space, over, unsure - and asked him to pick one, figuring that's easy with no further input. He replies, but says he doesn't know anything at the moment.

I feel torn between thinking that because he won't answer it that there's still a chance, and that he may never answer it. Therein lies Fadeaway's reply to just let him figure it out, and I may never know what he figured out.

 

[Atomic]

I caved and texted him after 48 hours. I hate myself. I then sent another saying I was a newbie at this and apologised for the intrusion.

He texted me about 6 times saying he'd just come from the doctor, he is on antidepressants, and some other issues he's having. He was going over to his buddy's house for dinner under protest, and was a bit zonked out. He didn't understand my apology for the intrusion. I said because I told you I was going to give you space, and I failed.

I guess I'm just grateful he replied. Nothing affectionate from him, but he replied. I feel like I can muddle on a bit more now without wigging out. This sucks.

 

[Atomic]

As I do more and more reading and research, I find myself becoming stronger and not taking it personally. Yay me! But something just occurred to me in that his triggers may have started before I got there and may have been the thin edge of the wedge.

He is financially secure. He had mistimed some financial planning and needed some cash (less than $3K) to meet an obligation. He asked his sister for a temporary loan. She has the means. She said yes, then said no. Outright refused. He seemed really upset about it and just couldn't fathom how she could go back on her word like that. We talked about it over and over and over. I loaned him the money and he said he'd never forgive her for it. He seemed truly stumped by her attitude when he's always been there for her - both financially and emotionally over the years.

I'm thinking now that he felt utterly betrayed by her. When I got home after our time together, he said he'd had a huge fight with her after I left (he still couldn't get his head around it).

I think the wheels were already in motion for him before I got there.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'd say definitely.

 

[TinaG]

I'm going on 36 hours! I wanted so badly to text him today, but I think about all the advice here saying not to and the last thing I'd want is to push him farther away. But I'm with you it certainly sucks, I'm petrified he isn't going to come back to me all I can do is allow him the time he needs & pray, pray pray!

 

[Atomic]

Thank you, Junebug.

Now I think about it, his sister dropped over while I was there. There was this palpable tension in the air between them. Not towards me, but towards her. Like the wrong thing said, and he'd be at her.

Anyway, I just sat talking to her, small talk stuff, and look over to him and he's fast asleep. Must have all been to much. Her. Me. Escape!

 

[Tinyflame]

I doubt it was you. His mind & body probably never regrouped from the incident with his sister.

 

[Atomic]

The kicker is....she's a mental health professional, and seems to be less grounded than he is.

I'm fairly intuitive and don't feel that it was only because of her that things have gone awry. But it's a contributing factor. Not sure if he realises that. That's another discussion for another time when he's not adrift, if I get the chance.

Thanks for helping me nut it out.