Was my therapist now my best friend

[Bird33]

@Suzetig thats exactly right I don’t know how to get out of it. (Or I’m sorry if I want to get out of it)
She told me she could lose her license for this. She has her PhD.

 

[Suzetig]

She could, and some would argue she should.

I guess in terms of getting out of it, it may be about simply letting the relationship drift. No big announcement or falling out but you filling your time seeing family and friends without her, if she asks just say your honouring her need to spend more time with her own family. Use your T (or here) to process your feelings about pulling away from her. It’ll be difficult but I’m thinking it feels difficult anyway

 

[UnicornSightings]

Oh man. That’s such an icky situation to be in! Sounds like she’s a bit manipulative with telling you not to disclose your previous relationship with her and also guilting you in telling you she could lose her license. Is she in therapy herself? Cause it sounds like she really should be to work this out. I wonder if she’s done this before? How does she act around your friends? Like a normal human for the most part? Has she ever tried to pull you away from your friends at all?

And does she have her own friends yet or are you pretty much it for her?

 

[Bird33]

@Suzetig it is difficult already and honestly I wish I could just pull away from her I really do.
I talked about it with my therapist and she is helpful. I have come a long way but I feel stuck now.

@UnicornSightings She was in therapy in the past. Was assaulted as a teen. She said she never did this before. She is fine around my friends and family, very normal. For a while there we were seeing each other so much I didn’t see my other friends much. She doesn’t have any friends close by that she sees. A few she talks to long distance.

 

[EveHarrington]

Sad to say that I’m in my 30’s and just now learning this....

As someone who can draw people toward myself, I’ve learned that it’s important to be selective in who I decide to make my friend. It’s not just about getting along well with someone and having things in common. It’s also about having people in my life who have strong boundaries and respect my boundaries. It’s about having people in my life who’s moral code meshes well with mine.

I have to listen to my inner voice. (I’m guessing you have an inner voice that’s telling you this friendship is inappropriate and that’s why you’re posting here.) If I don’t listen to my inner voice and try to suppress it, everything will blow up in the end as the inner voice will always be heard.

I’m guessing here, but to me it sounds like your therapist was incredibly drawn to you based on how you opened up in therapy. So much so that she was willing to break the ethical code of the therapeutic world. Doing this was incredibly selfish on her part IMHO as she put her desire to have you as a friend over your need to have guidance while healing, and your therapeutic relationship was ended in order for her to finally have a friend?

I’m sorry you met up with a therapist who couldn’t keep your best interests at the forefront of therapy and decided that her wants were more important.

I know a slow exit has been advised, but this may make the whole process more painful for you. A quick end may be better. I say this based on my own personal experience....when I know things are over, I will strive for a decisive and speedy end to things as the last prolonged situation really did a number on me.

I wish you the best. :hug:

 

[Bird33]

@EveHarrington thank you for your input.
When you say by experience, may I ask what happened with a prolonged situation?

 

[EveHarrington]

It was the end of a different kind of relationship. I was so afraid of what would happen if I didn’t have this person in my life. I expected a catastrophic breakdown so I kept this person in my life, albeit a a little bit of a distance. I knew the end wasn’t too far off, but again I was afraid of not having them in my life. My gut said things were not good, I was sick with anxiety for months (not eating, not functioning well). When I finally said the big goodbye, it was like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I felt nothing but free. I was fighting my inner voice that whole time and I paid a big price for it.

 

[Bird33]

@EveHarrington what sort of things alerted your inner voice? It would just help me understand if my instincts are right. I don’t trust mine.

 

[Tinyflame]

I am not Eve but I would say intuition is better described as a feeling it's 'off'- to be wary (or greater)- when everyone thinks it's fine. Or conversely, feeling forgiveness or patience when others say you shouldn't. Or just a direction or feeling too strong to ignore. Or as one would say, a hunch based on knowledge.

To me, conversely, if everyone thought it was great but you didn't, it wouldn't behoove you to follow their advice. It sounds like it's got plenty of warning flags to yourself and you see them; not intuition- but simple facts. She knows you aren't jeopardizing her licence, yet she guilts you. There are many things wrong with this picture- most of all what's her motivation/ intention? Something sounds 'off'.

I have too-rigid boundaries; the best mental health has flexible ones. However, even I'm going to err on the side of caution and not going to risk causing pain to others. Or being on the receiving end. I'm not going to wait and see. I say, 'when I'm in doubt, I'm out'.

But then, I've never lived interpersonal trauma that didn't involve lies or deceit, so even the likelihood of it is way too big a trigger for me.

 

[EveHarrington]

For me it’s a gut feeling. Do you have those?

Mine was practically screaming at me but I chose to ignore it. I get horrible nausea when I’m anxious. This friend situation didn’t start this bout of nausea, but it definitely pushed it to new heights. I was sick for months, dropped 20+ pounds. And yet, I still chose to ignore it.

 

[Stephernovas]

All of this sounds somewhat similar to this friendship I thought I had with someone in a position where they were helping me too. She really liked me and we became “best friends”. Or so I thought. Like you, many things were in her favour, and she started saying she was the one out of balance and all. Long story short..she is not your friend. She enjoys the power and attention. Now that you are so compliant with it, I have a feeling she’s moving on to the next thing that insterests her.

Yes that sounds like a jerk thing to do, but like I said, I read through your situation and it feels oddly familiar (except my “friend” was not a therapist)

 

[Friday]

The only relationships I’ve ever been afraid to leave? Have been abusive ones.

Normal relationships don’t come along with confidence destroying, reality skewing, priority f*cking, “need”. Like this >>>

What if I can’t make it without her? What if it’s the wrong decision? This is what I worry about.

I just feel like I don’t have a choice. Even though logically I do know I have a choice.

Nor emotional blackmail & guilt tripping like this. >>>

She told me she could lose her license for this.

:banghead: It drives me absolutely insane when someone is all “I could go to jail for doing this for you.” “I could lose my marriage for you.” “I could lose my license for you.” ummm,.. I. Didn’t. Ask. You. To. Do. That. I am NOT indebted to you at that level, nor is it in any way thrilling to be voluntold to keep someone else’s secrets, nor do I appreciate the manipulative as f*ck “pseudo-bonding” . You’re not doing me a favor, here. You’re doing whatever the hell it is you want to do, whilst trying to place the blame for YOUR actions st my doorstep? Talk about some manipulative unethical bullshit, right there.

The HUGE consequences on their end? Do not obligate me to do what they want me to do. Because I didn’t ask them to do that. :banghead:

It really doesn’t matter in my experience if someone is a cheating bastard trying to get in your pants, or a manipulative bitch who wants ownership of you ... the moment it becomes “I’ll kill myself / lose my marriage / go to jail / lose my license FOR YOU.” I’m done.

***

Very much agreed in letting the relationship drift, if you can. These kind of people tend to double down during any kind of confrontation, and that’s drama you really don’t need.