Was my therapist now my best friend

[Bird33]

@blackemerald1 Thank you for your very thoughtful thread. It feels good to talk about it here because I can tell people really understand how hard this is.
You were right on target with so many things you said. Your right I need to make a decision to either leave or stay. I am leaning in staying and I know it’s wrong but I just don’t feel like I can leave.
I am still trying to continue doing what I was working on before. I am not texting as much or I will wait. I actually said I couldn’t make it Friday when she wanted to hang out bc I had already made plans with my family. (In the past I would have gone anyway and made an excuse to my family) I know that’s terrible and I feel really badly about that in the past. I am still trying to set up boundaries for myself. She has stepped it up after she told me she felt like she had seasonal affective disorder and felt like a different person from October to mid February. She has been texting me more, wanting to hang out more and plan vacations. So it’s been really hard for me to keep the boundaries up.

As far as my husband, I know I have hurt him with this. We have been married for 23 years. I would go whenever my ex therapist called and I would leave him to do it. We do a lot together and he is my best friend. He was hurt by that and when I told him why I could see he was hurt by my attachment to her. I know he tries to understand but I just don’t think he ever really will. He never had any abuse and he is wonderful but sometimes unless you experience it you just can’t get it. We still talk about it but I can see his sadness and frustration with it so I try not to make a big deal out of it now. He thinks things are going smoothly and I am over it. My ex therapist has had abuse in her past so I feel like she understands me.

The love thing......I say I love you to several of my friends, family, husband, kids. I have a pretty serious heart condition and have had 6 surgeries in the past 3 years. This has made me very sentimental and I feel like you just have to say how you feel. That being said, this love feels different with my ex-therapist. I don’t understand it. I think it feels like I had with my grandmother when I was a kid. She was the only one that I felt true love from. I couldn’t wait to see her. I would see her every Sunday and that helped me survive my Saturdays with my grandfather. I always felt if I could just make it through and see my grandmother I would be okay. I always felt I was going to die with my grandfather. There was a lot of oral sex and I felt like I was either going to choke or suffocate. Plus, he would get physically abusive at times. So it was really a desperate feeling. It got that way with my ex therapist when I was seeing her for therapy. I felt if I can just make it to Friday and see her I will be okay. It is such a strong feeling. I feel that way now. It is better and I can talk to myself but it is still there. The feeling is so strong, like I need it for my survival. I know that sounds dramatic but that is what it is. I hate it but it is there. I am talking to myself and working with my therapist. I want it to go so badly.

 

[blackemerald1]

@Bird33 - Your last post sounds so desperately sad.

I am leaning in staying and I know it’s wrong but I just don’t feel like I can leave.

That is your decision for the moment. Remember you can choose to leave the relationship with her. Anytime! You have the power to change so much. Remember this every day.

I am still trying to set up boundaries for myself.

I am glad to hear that you are still trying. I'm sorry this ex-therapist has such power over you. It's power (not love) in my opinion.

She has stepped it up after she told me she felt like she had seasonal affective disorder

So, she needs some professional help? What does she expect from you? There is treatment for this and it isn't demanding a former client lift her mood. Under guise of friendship she needs you to be her therapist? No...?

he was hurt by my attachment to her. I know he tries to understand but I just don’t think he ever really will.

You have a good marriage and I can see why your husband would be hurt. He was probably expecting a therapist who would not become a counter weight in the marriage. Now there are two major traumas for you to overcome. Is it still not possible for you to level with him about this and allow him to help? The ex-therapist is not being a real friend if she manipulates time away from him and your family for her own ends under the guise of friendship. Friends do not do that to each other. They respect boundaries particularly marital and family boundaries.

sometimes unless you experience it you just can’t get it.

No, @Bird33 it isn't necessary to experience trauma to understand it. For example, my trauma is not the same as yours but I can empathise and I can understand. However bc I have not qualified in psych., I would not be a psych.

However, just so you know the opposite is true too. I have met some psych's who have had all the training possible and were complete duds, absolutely hopeless. Same can be said of any profession or person. There are good, bad and indifferent.

This is a part of PTSD I think. Speaking for myself here, it is a long and extremely lonely journey. Sometimes more so than other times. That is why I come here to this forum...not for treatment but support on my way to recovery.

At times what would seem to be a fairly insignificant bump along the road for someone else can send me spiralling seemingly backwards. I usually find that I am actually still recovering, moving forward. It was just a bump. Coming to this forum and being challenged, expressing views, reading what other people think is extraordinarily helpful and it has helped me enormously.

But it is not replacing professional treatment. That I get from qualified people that can leave their own issues at the door. I cannot help them and they do not expect me to. They do not have to have experienced trauma to know or understand it. Note..I don't actually know their life story as you do with your ex-therapist and tbh I don't want to know their life story. Sounds selfish in a way but having that space between them and I actually makes it easier. I don't feel like I have to be wary of certain subjects or issue's. I can sit in their space and tell them things nobody else on this earth will ever hear come from my lips and I know it is safe to do so. Or, I might tell them something that is out in the public arena and anybody may or may not already know about. It doesn't matter. It is still confidential. They are treating me. There is mutual respect and I can usually tell if they have had a rough week and I care about them. I know they care about me too. But that's a huge distance from friendship and "I love you'.

The question is now your ex-therapist has thrown these well established boundaries out the window a long time ago. Can you really trust her as a friend or does she have a 'hold' over you? Is that why she can reel you in? Just wondering? Mixing business with leisure can really backfire in the psych., profession.

My ex therapist has had abuse in her past s

So she should have been very wary of becoming a abuser herself. She has placed an unnecessary burden on you. You pay her money to get treatment and she has mistreated you.

The love thing....

I actually meant when your ex-therapist told you that she loved you.

this love feels different with my ex-therapist. I don’t understand it. I think it feels like I had with my grandmother

Are you mistaking attachment for love? I can appreciate why you would feel the need to see your therapist when she was your therapist bc it is evident from your description of the childhood sexual abuse you suffered you really need help. She is not your therapist anymore. Her actions have been destructive in your life. She has misused her professional capacity.

She was the only one that I felt true love from. I couldn’t wait to see her.

I can understand how important your grandmother became for you. She was a reason to survive, I can understand this. Have you considered what your grandmother would feel about your ex-therapist's behaviour?

got that way with my ex therapist

But your ex-therapist is not your grandmother. Never was, never will be.

I hope my observations help rather than hinder @Bird33.

 

[ms spock]

@Disco Dancing Queen Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry this happened to you. It does help to hear everyone’s stories because it helps me to see what everyone means by the manipulation and what is exactly wrong. I feelnit is wrong but have a hard time seeing exactly what is wrong.
Can you tell me what happened to you? And then how and when you decided to get out?

We had a big blow up in the end where she moved into my house, ripped me off financially, wouldn't pay her part of the rent, and I had to move out of my home because I couldn't cope anymore with her trying to control my life, and punish me when I wouldn't do what she wanted me to do. I am really only just getting away now 20 years later. She retraumatised me severely.

@Disco Dancing Queen i am talking with my therapist now about it. And I feel strong in session and then when my ex therapist is texting me or we are hanging out I am weak again. I am working on it and I am much better than I was. I end up doubting myself and I think I am making it more of a big deal than it is.

It it totally normal for you to be feeling and thinking the ways that you are.

Your ex therapist is manipulating your vulnerabilities, she had no friends when you were seeing her in therapy, but you did have a lot of friends, and would do anything for them so you never felt as lonely as you did when you were being abused as a child. All she has to do, to bring you into line, is to implicitly or explicitly withdraw approval, support, or attachment so you are hobbled by your traumatic childhood.

I didn't get away. She stayed in my life, undermining me and manipulating me for a lot of years.

The chances of people like you and me, getting away from people like our ex therapists is very low.

I guess it’s the relationship I worry about bc of how it started. She has moved on from that but I seem to be stuck there.
Thanks for the luck. I am going to keep trying everyday.

She hasn't moved on, you were a potential victim she could emotionally vampire off, and she is still able to do this, and she started grooming you for this "relationship" whilst you were in therapy. You didn't have much of a chance! This is the sad thing that I couldn't come to terms to, during the decade or so that my ex therapist used me, I kept thinking if I was good enough she wouldn't leave, but she just kept demanding more and more all the time, and she would change the goal posts all the time, and undermind my relationships with other people so that I wouldn't leave her sphere.

She is emotionally using you, her ex client, to meet her own emotional needs, she has abused her position of power, she has been unprofessional, and inappropriate. The very reasons why these types of relationships are illegal, unless it is in some new age type of therapy, are the reasons why these types of relationships are illegal, because vulnerable, abused people cannot protect, defend or leave people who have severely abused their positions of power. She is going to sabotage you every time you get close to a level of wellness, because that meets her emotional needs, and most likely it isn't even conscious.

You could get yourself some heavy duty support from other people, you could learn to do hundreds of Self Compassion Breaks a day and you could do all the DBT skills of building up distress tolerance, and etc skills, it is still unlikely you will be able to leave this woman because of the particularly vicious and manipulative way she has got her claws into you.

What you need to guard against now is not losing your marriage and your other friendships, and relationships. Notice how she subtly criticises other peopel in your social network, how she reinforces the feeling that she is really the only person that really understands you. Notice how she quietly makes you doubt yourself. You might not be able to see any of this for a very long time, but have it as something to look out for in the future. Focus on that more, you are not able to leave her at this time, because of how much your severe deprivation and childhood trauma, and unmet needs as a child make you vulnerable to such a predator as her. You have so much deprivation that you might fall apart if you feel the relationship is threatened for now. It is what it is! Accept that for now, keep working with your therapist. Do something really nice each week, for your partner, a card, a painting, a gift that is meaningful to him. Make sure you give him an hour of your undivided attention each week as well. Start to slowly build up other activities outside your ex therapist. Be aware that your ex therapist will sabotage your steps towards wellness, so don't be too hard on yourself as you slip and slide! Start planning each week, for five minutes, about how you are going to invest in other relationships outside of your ex therapist. Every time you try to set up boundaries, or try to do things without her, remember she will go out of her way to undermine that so that she doesn't lose what she is getting out of you emotionally. So maybe don't tell her too much of your plans with other people. You don't want her always wanting to "see" you when you are investing some time in your husband or other friends.

You have to detach from your ex therapist really slowly, and so carefully, because she knows your triggers, she knows your vulnerabilities, she knows what triggers off you symptoms, she could pull you apart without you even knowing it. This is a very dangerous situation where you need to take maximum care of yourself.

 

[Bird33]

@blackemerald1 Your observations are very helpful. I think my ex therapist needs someone to talk to. I am pretty much it except for her husband. So I do think she uses me for this. I work in the mental health field as counselor myself. I don’t work with trauma survivors.

I guess when you ask does she have a hold over me. She knows everything about me. I told her everything and she likes me. My other friends know me but really don’t know everything so I always worry that if they knew everything then maybe they would not like me.

Your right she is not my grandmother and never will be. I just got that feeling that I would get with my grandmother. And I guess I really like that feeling. I do think it is an attachment and maybe not love. I am attached to her. But what is the difference?

@Disco Dancing Queen I’m so sorry this happened to you and you are still struggling bc of it.
Your thoughts are so helpful. I can tell that you really understand.
That’s a great idea to take care of my other relationships. I will do that. I have been trying to do that.
Everything that you suggested to look out for from her is so helpful. That’s what I need because I am not sure what she is doing. But your examples are just what I need so I can prepare and be aware. Thank you!

 

[blackemerald1]

so I always worry that if they knew everything then maybe they would not like me.

No there is no need to tell your other friends about your childhood abuse unless you wanted to do so.

At the same time, you cannot know that these same friends would dislike you because of your childhood trauma. There is shame in your words and it is not you who should feel that shame.

Everyone has a history @Bird33. You choose who gets to know that history. Your friends don't have to know your history to be healthy, respectful friends who adore you just the way you are.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think there is this false notion amongst childhood abuse survivors that we must tell people everything about ourselves in order to prove that someone actually likes us.....but the truth is that holding none of ourselves back is a sign of terrible boundaries as we all deserve to keep some things to ourselves.

It sounds like you have much better boundaries with your other friends.

It also sounds like you are carrying around a lot of shame. You worry that your other friends won’t like you if they found out about your trauma? What kind of asshole dumps a friend because they were abused as a child? What you’re talking about is relationship testing... “See, I’m not horrible just because I was abused because my friend knows and still likes me!” The problem with this behavior is that you are relying on external validation for self worth, and the behavior will continue with every new friend....unless you decide to not tell them, in which you’ll doubt the friendship on some level.

 

[Bird33]

@blackemerald1 I am usually a very private person. Only my really close friends know about my childhood abuse and that has only happened in the last three years bc of some recent stressors and they noticed and asked what was wrong. I guess I do have shame not about the childhood abuse but about some of my behaviors and relationships later. I know that I behaved the way I did bc of he trauma but I still feel it was choices I had made. Bad choices which only traumatized me more.
@blackemerald1 You are very wise in your words and I am trying to get to a place with all this. I really just started working on it and began with my extherapist. I only had therapy for a year when I was 17 and that was bc I attempted suicide and was hospitalized and had to go. I pushed everything down for 20 years and lived life. So I had this experience with my ex therapist and now have been with my new therapist for a year.

@EveHarrington It’s a catch 22. If you tell them everything or you don’t. I usually don’t tell anybody about my past. Recently my really close friends and they have been great but we really don’t talk about that stuff. My ex therapist knows everything bc I told her when I was in therapy. So now I know she knows and wants to spend time with me and let’s me babysit her child and spend time with each other’s families. So I feel good bc of that. She knows and she still likes me.
It’s not the abuse that I feel horrible about it’s the other stuff I did later. The abusive relationships the drugs. I did things that yes I am truly ashamed of. I know why I did them but I still did them and so wish I could go back and change my behavior.

 

[blackemerald1]

so wish I could go back and change my behavior.

I wish I had a penny for every time I have thought this. I am sure there are many other forum members who would feel the same too.

@Bird33 You are certainly not alone in this. :hug:

 

[Bird33]

@blackemerald1 Thank you! The more i talk and read posts here the more I see I am not alone!

 

[ms spock]

There have been so many threads about exactly these types of situations, I have participated in 15-20 over the years that I have been here. To the point that I now actively don't read these threads anymore. I tried to search for some of them. I couldn't find any, but you are definitely not alone.

You have a really irrational self hatred and self judgemental thing going on about your child abuse, no one but the child inside of you sees it that way @Bird33. I have the same problem and it made me vulnerable to the situation that you are now in. It is one to heal before you take on the task of dealing with your ex therapist!

You have to be very careful if you decided to detach from your ex therapist, she knows all your triggers, and she could trigger you and set you off against people in your life. You are not irrational to think you might not survive the decoupling, you could isolate you from the majority of people in your life, she could weaken your marriage, she could do things that you won't work out that she did to you for 20 years, but you end up losing out big!

These "relationships" are sanctioned for a reason, they are dangerous for the vulnerable person.

 

[Bird33]

@Disco Dancing Queen Do you think my ex therapist purposely picked me and do you think she is doing what she is doing on purpose?

 

[Scarlet13]

I think there is a vulnerability there inside of people especially with child SA. This can be sensed by other people who want to feel better about themselves, to feel needed, to feel powerful when they feel shame.

Your ex T chose you deliberately, but maybe this happened on a subconscious level.

I could easily be friends with my T. She is 5 years older and we think alike, we are both poetic and I think we have more in common than what I know.

Because I asked, she opened up about her recent engagement, but it was too much for me. I felt like my doctor/patient relationship could drift away if I learned too much.
We talked about this and she said she never, ever becomes friends with her patients, not even 10 yrs later.

I felt relief when she said that.
This T needs to find friends not thru her patients. You have a lot in common, but what if you had met in a different way? That would be healthier.

My advice is that you need to keep looking at this and talking about it. Maybe build up resources before cutting her off.

Have you told her your current T says to cut it off? What does she say?