Was my therapist now my best friend

[Muttly]

It can take time to get out of a toxic relationship. You will find a way out.

 

[littleoc]

Oh, no. I’m sorry to hear that. :(

I agree with @Muttly — it does take a long time. With my ex it took me a year and one backfired breakup. Actually, longer than that, but it was hard the entire time.

Does your current therapist know about it?

 

[Bird33]

@Muttly Thank you. I am having a hard time seeing myself away from this relationship.

@littleoc i completely understamd this is one of the hardest most frustrating things I have ever had to deal with. I just feel like I need her and am so afraid to do anything to jeopardize the relationship. My therapist knows and we talk about it a lot which is also frustrating because I am in therapy for sexual abuse and I am spending so much time on this relationship.

 

[littleoc]

That does sound frustrating. Maybe instead of the fear you feel, you could focus on how huge of a weight will be lifted once this therapist friend is out of your life? Picturing that may help you picture what it’s like to be completely independent. You deserve good friends.

It’s good to hear that you’re still working on it. That’s good :)

 

[Bird33]

@littleoc the problem is I don’t see it as a weight being lifted, I feel like I need her and I cannot imagine her out of my life. I am scared of her not being in my life and so I just do whatever to keep her in it.

 

[Justmehere]

How is it going with the new therapist you were working with about all of this?

 

[Bird33]

@Justmehere my therapist obviously thinks it’s a toxic relationship and wishes I would report her. She gets angry with her behavior and let’s me know. She understands it’s a complicated relationship bc of the way it started. The progress is slow and steady.

 

[littleoc]

I wonder what would happen if you went one day without contact with this person.

 

[Justmehere]

I’m glad you are still working with your new therapist. She is right that this person should be reported. She really isn’t in a good place to be doing counseling with others. It’s not healthy for her for no one to be calling her out on this.

Do you practice setting boundaries in other areas of your life?

You already know this relationship is unhealthy. The root problem may not be this relationship. I think it is whatever pain this relationship helps you escape from. Think about it this way: by being caught up with all this, what might you be avoiding feeling or doing? The discomfort of saying “no” might be one thing you avoid feeling. Another way to think about it: what “benefits” do you gain by staying in this relationship? Perhaps it’s rhe benefit of never having to grieve, never having to be alone, being able to focus on her instead of yourself, etc.

Find other ways to address those root issues, and the pull of this relationship might lesson and you might be able to better pull away, and the initial pain and grief of doing so.

 

[Bird33]

@littleoc I have days where I do not contact her. I have been working really hard with myself on that but she usually contacts me. I try to tell myself all the time tbat I don’t need her, I just wish I knew why I was like this. I have many other close friends friends that I never worry about and nothing like this has ever happpened to me before.i have a wonderful husband who is very supportive, great kids and a very close sister and brother. There is no reason for this and I’m not sure why I feel this way.
@Justmehere i think maybe I’m not great at bounderies. I have a hard time saying no to everyone. I try to please everyone but my other relationships are nothing like this one. Most of my friends don’t take advantage of that.
I think you are right about other reasons for this. I think it’s an attachment thing. When I was seeing her in therapy I felt like I had to see her and then I would be okay. She felt like my savior like my wonderful grandmother did when I was a child. So it started there. Then when we became friends we would say things to each other that made me feel that she loved me again like my grandmother. I feel like I can’t make it without her and I felt like that as a child with my grandmother. I keep telling myself she is not my grandmother. The thing is I had never allowed this before in any other relationship including my husband. I have always said to myself I don’t need anyone and I would be able to take care of myself if they left or whatever. Now with this relationship I feel so desperate that I will not be able to make it without her. It’s such a strong feeling.

 

[Justmehere]

You are enmeshed with her. Lots of people end up in enmeshed relationships. Trauma survivors can fall into them too. There is also probably a lot of positive transference wrapped up in this. That will fuel a desire to be enmeshed with the therapist. If someone is actually a grandmotherly savior to a child, is normal for the child to cling to that. The child in you that probably didn’t have the protection you needed then, that child needs you now, the adult you, to keep away what is unhealthy. You can protect you now.

Part of the path out is going to be learning new ways to cope with pain and learning to set boundaries when it’s easy, so that way it is more doable than super hard situations like this.

 

[Bird33]

@Justmehere all that makes so much sense. I am trying to set some boundaries in general and I think things are progressively just really slowly.