Was my therapist now my best friend

[Justmehere]

Would accountability with setting a boundary with her help?

She needs to start hearing no. This relationship with you is a distraction from her getting help for her issues.

If you have already asked her to stop contacting you... then she’s in full blown harassment mode. May be there already. Repeated contact and blowing up someone’s phone and gaslighting them is certainly hugging the line if not crossing well over into harassment, and she has blown all her professional ethics.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry I haven't read everything.

ave felt like a pathetic loser for a while.

You aren't. ^^ :hug:

We do have a lot in common and can have fun it is just the underlying shit.

Friendship is much, much more than having things in common. It takes a backseat to care, trust, safety and respect, IMHO. If you can't say 'no' to something, you can't say 'yes, either.

It's ok to say no, or how you feel. It is not friendship if you can't be honest and kind and understanding and respectful of one another, and I would say quite 'naturally'. It should never be one's agenda at the expense of the other. I'm sorry.

 

[Bird33]

@hithere you talking about your experience is so helpful! Please continue it helps to know your not alone and also helps to know how other s dealt with it and came out on top. Was what happened with your extherapist similar? I’m so sorry you had to go through it and are still struggling but it sounds like you found healthy ways to deal with it.

You are right if this was happening to a friend I would tell them to get out. It is really hard to understand the pull even when you know it’s not healthy. But it is there staring me in the face.

@Justmehere i have not said I don’t want to hear from her. I haven’t been answering her. I probably should but I guess I’m just afraid what that will mean. Will I have to say why, will it end things and am I ready?!

 

[Bird33]

@Tinyflame thank you for saying I’m not pathetic bc that’s totally how I feel right now. Have I said this isn’t me......ugh.

Yes you are right it should be mutual respect and with the way the relationship started I think she has all the power. I guess I never feel comfortable saying no or even expressing my needs. I am very comfortable in taking care of others.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes me too @Bird33 , but real friendship means you can talk it out and see and try to work with each other's perspective. Because the pain of hurting the other is more important to avoid than getting your way at the other person's expense.

You could say I want more time with my family, and working with my T. Period. She is not your T.

 

[Bird33]

@Tinyflame yes your right that you should try to work with each other’s perspective. The only thing is the few times when I have said something she would say I don’t see it that way and then I wouldn’t know what to say. I felt like I was wrong in the way I saw it. Then I never brought stuff up bc that always seemed to happen and/or she would put up boundaries for a while.

I could say I need to spend more time with family or something like that. I probably should say something.

 

[Tinyflame]

she would say I don’t see it that way and the

But that's friendship or relationship- you DO see it that way.

You need to make your boundary clear, that's all. But it has to be your boundary, not anyone else's opinion. That is as true for commitment, as it is for severing ties. I think. It is your mind/ heart/ life, no one else's.

Good luck. :hug:

 

[Sideways]

Email?

You can change your settings so that her emails go straight to junk. Or don’t come through at all. Make it easier for yourself.

Certainly you can hit delete before reading the content.

And when you hit delete, maybe say out loud “Self care comes first”.

I could say I need to spend more time with family or something like that. I probably should say something.

If you feel absolutely obligated to say something? Keep it vague. Explanations are an invitation for further engagement. So something brief like, “I need space.”

No reasons she can argue with. No end point you need to work to. Short, sweet, clear. “I need space”.

Then block her emails so you aren’t torturing yourself with them. Because this is verging on self harm.

 

[scout86]

How much experience do you have sticking up for yourself? How good are you at that? You might want to talk about this with your current T. This might be an excellent chance to practice sticking up for yourself, but a bit of coaching might be helpful.

There might be a point where your current T really should report this person. Is she still practicing? Chances are you aren't the only person she's been out of line with. Maybe right now you are, but you probably aren't the first and probably won't be the last. Something to think about anyway.

 

[LuckiLee]

So basically you're spending your time in therapy talking about this situation when you should be dealing with YOUR trauma, diagnosis and symptoms?

The whole dynamic is off. You sleep at her house? I haven't slept at a friend's house since I was a child. (Other than being out of town) She says she "needs you". For what? And why?

I think you should tell her to leave you alone. That you have to concentrate on your family and therapy. If she continues to contact you? Report her.

She is a stalker. IMO. And she needs some serious help. She shouldn't be a therapist!! Ever!!

I've said all I'm gonna say. Good luck.

 

[Bird33]

@Sideways thats a good idea to say I need space and to keep it vague I will use that.

@scout86 i am not good at sticking up for myself at all. Usually I question whether I am reading the situation right and I usually then give the person the benefit of the doubt. I have been trying more and that is why I have questioned my ex therapist recently. Something I would have never done before. She is still practicing but I don’t think she has done this before. She doesn’t have anyone else in her life but her husband and child. A few long distance friends she rarely talks to.

@LuckiLee yes your right that the dynamic is off. I have always felt that way but felt compelled to see her. It was different when she was my therapist. She was warm and helpful. She is sort of cold as a friend. I will send her that email.

Thank you all for your help. It really has been iOS to hear what everyone else sees.

 

[Justmehere]

I’m delighted you are going to email her to set a boundary that you need space!

No explanation needed. Boundaries are not about changing the other person but about taking responsibility for our own needs and limits. You don’t have to explain them for them to be valid. You actually don’t have to read her correctly either. You know what you need and your limits. That is enough.

As a person who is trying to be your therapist, who is trained to be a therapist, she has the training to accept a client/former client taking space setting boundaries. You are not the right person to take care of her or help her. Taking space from her may help her get motivated to connect to others. (May not.) Staying won’t help either of you. The relationship was bound to eventually be too much (that’s why this is usually prohibited) and the sooner you walk away, the easier for you both.

I’m guessing with her level of pursuit of you, she will try to push and still connect and/or try to guilt or gaslight you. If/when she does that, that does not mean you have done anything wrong. It means you are doing something new and on the right track.

Don’t hesitate to enforce the boundary by blocking her email, phone, etc.

You got this!