Was my therapist now my best friend

[hithere]

Yes, the relationship is so, so similar to what you describe. I didn't think I was ready either. I put an "end" to it and I question the decision not just daily, but multiple times a day. But that is the wounded me who is addicted to abandonment. Yes caring things said, and then mean things said, It was beyond inconsistent. It was intimate, then cold, "come here," then.. now "go away," and then the madness of it was put on me that I am the crazy one because I am the one with trauma. The intense need on my part to fix the relationship to correct it, the need to keep it going.

If you don't want to "end" it, you could put your email on an Automated Response that simply reads, "I can't respond to emails right now as I am spending some much needed time for refreshment with my family. I will be back in my "inbox" in two weeks." That way no matter who emails you it won't sound to abnormal and she will get an "automated" email from you.

Step two could be sending her a written note that says "thank you for all you've done for me and reaching. For the time being I am concentrating on my treatment with a new therapist and at the therapist's urging I need a break from my relationship with you right now. I'm asking that you not contact me at all and honor my need for a break right now. I will reach out to you again when I'm ready. Much Love. Take Care"

 

[scout86]

i am not good at sticking up for myself at all.

This seems like a perfectly valid thing to work on with your T. Most likely, it relates to your history and it's a good thing to understand. Not to mention it's useful. Your current T sounds pretty good. They can help you sort out what are reasonable demands and what aren't. (I'd bet you err on the side of accommodating the other person nearly all the time.) As unpleasant this is, it's a chance for you learn A's move forward. You can do it!

 

[Sideways]

Step two could be sending her a written note that says "thank you for all you've done for me and reaching.

I get the urge to thank her. For being a ‘friend’.

But actually, this has been a fairly abusive ‘friendship’ since day 1, is completely unethical, is a reportable breach of professional standards, and has cost the OP years (literally) off her time from genuine recovery.

To me? Gratitude is not only misplaced and inappropriate, but would potentially reinforce to the OP that she has something to be grateful for to this person. To the contrary, this person has completely highjacked the OP’s recovery from her trauma, and is a practicing trauma therapist who ought to have insight into how damaging this is to the OP.

Just how it looks from where I am, and definitely not saying you’re wrong. Just there’s different ways to view this situation, and definitely mutliple ways to put an end to it:)

 

[Bird33]

@hithere im so sorry you are still dealing with the aftermath of this relationship. I totally understand everything you said because i feel or felt th same things. Hearing that you still regret leaving honestly scares me. That’s my worry. Both your ideas are ones I will consider. I can’t tell her that my therapist said I need to stop bc she doesn’t know I talk about this with my new therapist.

@scout86 i have been working on being more assertive and asking for my needs. Actually learning that my needs are important. My present therapist is always pointing things out. Your right I always put others first it is just more comfortable for me. I do it with everyone even my husband. Currently we are working on saying no to sex with him when I am not in the mood. I never felt like I could say no and doing it now just make me feel bad and guilty, but I am trying. All these things have been a lifelong struggle that I am trying to change.

@Sideways yes I can see your point that it might reinforce feeling grateful to her plus I think it would only encourage my extherapist to keep trying. @hithere but I totally understand that thought bc you have been in a similar relationship and part of me wants to do it bc I am not sure I want it to end. I totally get that.

I’m struggling and sad. I have not done anything either way yet. Kept what I have done so far and not moved forward.

Again thank you everyone.

 

[hithere]

though I have regrets, the freedom at moving forward far exceeds the regrets, and the regrets I can now handle since I know they are the regrets of the traumatized person of me, who is still young and not fully healed, but is certainly on our way to healthy, since the cycle of pain with that therapist has been broken.

Also I knew people would be adverse to "thanking" her--but it is the part of you that is so attached and doesn't want to "do more damage" that that is written for. You don't need to thank her for anything, just something to ask for room away from her.

I believe strongly that physical distance from this person and no contact is what is needed to bring your nervous system to a stable line. I may be wrong, but that is what I needed. and it's working well. My regrets are natural, and I'm giving myself permission to feel them.

 

[Bird33]

@hithere i completely understand your regrets. I worry that I will have some of the same but it is so helpful to hear that you feel the benefits outweigh the regrets. It also makes sense that it is the attachment of my younger self that feels the pain. That makes sense.

Thank you for your response!

 

[Scarlet13]

Hi, I have been reading this whole post for the past few years.
First of all, I can relate to your trauma past. I was molested as a child and was absolutely a target because of my unavailable, narcissistic mother. The molester was a babysitter. I can remember clinging to my mother, clawing at her to not leave me, like a wild animal and she did not have a clue.

She did believe me eventually, when I told her, but blamed me and held me responsible (I was 4!) I am telling you part of my story because there is something about the experience of the distance, cold mother along with sexual trauma. I felt so eroded inside and like an alien at such a young age. The ONLY thing that helped me was the craving of my mother, especially skin to skin contact with her. Her caress or touch renewed me and brought me back to a whole self. So, I would do all I could to get her to touch me through out my child hood, like ask for lotion on my back or sunscreen or ask to cuddle, but she was narcissistic, critical and rejecting of me. So, my healing source for the molestation was also a traumatizing source.

So, as an adult, I have -clinically speaking- anxious avoidance attachment issues. Emotionally speaking, this issue feels often like I am still a child (I am age 40 with 2 kids and a husband). I become attached to motherly figures and this attachment feels wonderful, amazing, and exhilarating. It is that same, healing, becoming whole again feeling I was after as a child when seeking my mother's touch.

Being molested can erode you, it is corrosive. So, your soul will seek over and over again ways to feel whole again, to feel connected. This "seeking" leaves you in a vulnerable state which can be sensed by some people. People who have their own issues, people who are abusive and who will take advantage of this.

Your therapist, for her own unhealthy reasons, is taking advantage of you. You have this need for a healing attachment, for connectivity. She in many ways, has reflected the grooming, predatory relationship of a molester (even though this has not involved sexual assault).
She was warm and kind and then now has changed to manipulative, gas lighting you.
She has emotional restrictions on you and is using you. The "I need you and you need me" is totally manipulative and emotionally abusive on her part. (And bullshit).

There is a power dynamic here and always was, which she is capitalizing on. She may seem like a wonderful friend, the connection you crave, but she is a predator in disguise and is using you to fulfill her own needs.

It is VERY normal for you to crave attachment with a kind, caring, female because you lacked that from your own mother.
You are not a loser or pathetic (I dont remember your words exactly). You are completely normal in a harmful, abusive situation that has overlaid childhood harm.

I keep reading repeatedly lines where you are trying to block her, to say no to her, to finally put up boundaries. I saw those same lines over and over again a year ago. This is your issue. You cannot just subtly do this. I have seen you struggle with the "casually distancing" approach for years, and she draws you back in. She is professionally trained in building and cultivating an attachment. This is actually not friendship. None of my close friends have even reeled me back in over and over saying they need me. I do not have standing appt dates with my friends once a week. I have this with my therapist.

This is not a friendship and never was. So you cannot quit it like you would a friendship with a quiet distancing. You have to first see this for what it really is: You are a trauma victim, being traumatized by an abusive and highly inappropriate therapist, who should have her licensed revoked. A therapist who has power over you, knows your buttons, and is skilled at emotionally manipulating you. This is not a friendship.
The attachment and love you feel for her is real and completely normal, but it is felt in an unhealthy relationship. You will feel this attachment and connection again, in a healthy therapeutic relationship.
And you can grieve her as you receive support from your healthy therapist, your husband, friends, and myptsd.

 

[Bird33]

@Scarlet13 just wow!

First of all I’m sorry to hear about your abuse and your neglectful relationship with your mother. Sometimes I feel that was more harmful than the abuse. My mother was unavailable and ignored so many signs. That’s so hurtful.

I know what you say makes sense. It’s actually scary for me to think she is abusive and manipulating me and pushing my buttons. I’m really trying to get out of this, it’s just so hard. I’m constantly questioning myself. I don’t want to and I try not to. I have not seen her in several weeks. I am trying to take one step at a time.

I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on this. It has been really helpful and makes me think. It’s all things I need, to hear others perspectives. I wish I could see it as clearly as all of you. I’m working on it.

 

[Scarlet13]

Hi @Bird33, I see you struggling with the same pattern as I saw you struggling with last year.
I think a goal for in therapy can be to focus on trying to see the relationship for what it is.
You will not just be able to suddenly see her as abusive, but together with your therapist, you can open your eyes to the abusive dynamics at play.

I do think that you need to make a clean and clear cut off from her, other wise she brings you back in.

You have an attachment to her and it is all tangled up with your past lack of healthy attachments. You can have this attachment again, a better one, with a more professional therapist. You can get your needs met outside of her, away from her, with a better provider.

I’m constantly questioning myself

I wonder about any subtle messages she may have given you to fuel this?
She wants you to question yourself, so you stay. You are feeding her some how.

Also, this statement can happen often when having a distant mother. I was talking about this a couple of days ago, how I felt that because I was constantly criticized, I struggle with trusting myself and my decisions.
You obviously, deeply, need to be out of this, otherwise you wouldn't come here and open yourself up to the idea.
I love "wise mind" DBT skill. Quiet your body and just ask your wise mind for an opinion. She should be somewhere in between logic and emotion. What does she say? What does your gut say?
It is ok, to experience the pain and the fall of the loss of her. You will and can survive that.

 

[Bird33]

@Scarlet13 yes I have been struggling with this relationship since the beginning and that is so frustrating. I do talk about this with my new therapist and at the beginning she was trying to be supportive and wasn’t telling me how bad the relationship was for me. For the last year since things have escalated some she has been straight with me pointing about her manipulations and things that grinds do not say or do to each other. That has been helpful bc I wouldn’t always see it that way. I could then see it after she would point it out. Your right I do have an attachment to her and now since this has gone on for so long it is complicated.

Maybe she is doing subtle things. She will say things like “i don’t see it that way.” And ends the conversation and then that’s when I start questioning whether it’s my poor skills at play and I’m the problem.
I’m feeding her and I know it bc I had her on a pedestal and I would do or say anything to make her feel great. Now it’s almost a job when we are out. She likes to talk about herself and stuff and I’m always trying to think of what can I ask to her her talking and get her interested so she feels heard. I know it’s crazy stuff.

You talk about a distant mother and your struggle with accepting your decisions and not questioning. Have you been able to change that? Can you trust your choices? And if so how?

My wise mind has been telling me something is wrong since the beginning. My gut says.......run. I wish it was that easy.
There is weird stuff at play.

But that being said, I am talking to my therapist, my sister and my husband more. I am talking on here. I have not seen her in several weeks. I am not texting her. I feel much better in that I feel like I will be okay. Before I would panic and I was at one point thinking I could not live without her. So things are moving in the right direction.

I really appreciate your thoughts they are helpful.

 

[Scarlet13]

So, my sense of self has gotten better. I can struggle with questioning myself, but I have more skills built around this, so other thought processes are there in my brain now in addition to the questioning, such as, "Its ok to make mistakes,"
And, "This is normal to feel this way."
If your gut says to run, run. It is as simple as that.
There is so much here that reminds me of an abusive spousal relationship. Women genuinely love and dont want to hurt their abusive spouse and this is one aspect of why it's hard to leave.
Also, there is some codepency stuff happening here.
You are feeding her and you have lost your self in the process.
The best thing is to start listening to your wise mind and write what she says down. Then you can create a plan.

 

[hithere]

You're doing great @Bird33 and I'm so happy to hear 3 weeks have gone by and that you have not texted her. Way to go! It's like not taking a puff off a cigerette for 3 weeks, but keeping the pack of cigs in your glove box, checking to see if they are still there. Good job.

I have no idea if this is helpful, but I'll just put this here: the fact that your "therapist" went from "therapist" to "best friend" is all that is needed to define abuse. It is a breach of the fiduciary duty that this woman had the day you walked through her office door.