Sexual Assault Was This Abuse/sexual Assault - Was It Bad Enough To Cause Ptsd?

[j1999]

hiya. i really need some guidance about whether or not this was abuse/sexual assault, and whether or not it was bad enough to cause ptsd.
when i was 12-14, i was in a relationship that was a bit weird. here are the things that they did that make me uncomfortable thinking back on now (i didn't fully understand when i was younger):

• they didn't like me to spend time with other friends
• they got very aggressive when i did not immediately reply to their messages
• once when i did not answer my phone, they got a hold of my mother's number and screamed at her down the phone (terrifying her)
• they called me ugly/made fun of me for being ugly all the time
• when i was diagnosed with a thyroid disease at 13, they laughed and said "haha, you're going to get fat!"
• pressured me into spending time with them
• deliberately upset me by, when i told them that i was scared/made anxious by certain things, they would deliberately put me in those situations/do those things
• they always had to be right and i was always wrong, they only wanted to do the things that they wanted to rather than what i wanted to do
• they got very angry when i did something wrong e.g once we were cooking and i spilt something and they went nuts, and screamed at me

there were also some weird physical things

• once i woke up and they were just sitting there touching my face
• i wasn't crazy about physical contact and so they would always poke/touch me to make me uncomfortable
• they would always tickle me even though i literally begged them not to
• because its like a "funny" thing, tickling is a weird thing for me to be upset about, but once they did it and i was honestly like begging them to stop and trying to push them off, they knew it wasn't a joke for me and they were being properly nutty, they actually didn't stop until i accidentally hit them in the nose and gave them a small nosebleed. and then they were furious at me and i kept apologising even thought they were the one who had been weird?

these are some of the messages they send me throughout the course of our relationship:

• "ANSWER ME, DO NOT IGNORE ME"
• "DO YOU LOVE ME?"
• "DO NOT IGNORE ME"
• "PICK UP YOUR PHONE"
• "DONT YOU IGNORE ME LITTLE MISSY"

anyway, i pretty much thought all of this was okay and normal, but then things took a worse turn.
i was round at their house, staying over, and they kissed me. i was okay with this. everything was okay, pretty much, but i was kind of confused. then the next morning, it was like a different person. they made me sit down and listen to this weird kinky sexual thing that they had written, i tried to get them to stop because it made me feel soooo uncomfortable and awkward, but they wouldn't. they yelled at me when i messed up while we were making breakfast. pretty soon after that, i got ready to leave. i had my bag packed and had said goodbye and everything, but then they stood up and shut their door. they were like "kiss me" and i was like "hahaha no thanks" i thought they were kidding. but then they stopped smiling and turned really scary. i cant remember it so well, and it makes me panicky to even think about it. (this is actually the first time ive said it/typed it out/written it) they said "you're not leaving til you kiss me" but again i said no, and "i dont want to" then they shoved me over and knocked me onto their bed and held me down by my wrists before kissing me really hard on my neck and mouth. then they stood up and told me to get out. i left, and i was so confused. i had felt awful while they were doing it, but i didnt understand why. just-turned-14-year-old me didn't understand what had just happened or why i felt so bad. i never spoke to them again. i ignored all their calls and blocked them on social media, but for months i didn't understand why i was suddenly so scared. i knew i hadnt wanted it to happen.
i'm 16 now, and have read about consent and assault, but i still dont know if it was really sexual assault. i definitely consent. i said "no" and "i dont want to" and i was saying no and stop while they were doing it, but still..... i dont know.
this has effected me so much. ive been in one relationship since and it was disastrous. i really cared about the person i was with, but it just didnt work. i was so scared of the same thing happening. i was even terrified of the person i was with, even though they were very nice and kind. i hated talking to them too much or when they told me what to do. i was really unfair with them because every single thing that they did that the person who did the bad stuff to me did made me freak out and get angry. i broke up with them because it wasnt working out. i couldnt keep a relationship going in that state. i havent been in a relationship since. ive had crushes, but when i think about the idea of getting into a relationship i feel nauseous.
i think about what happened all the time. im horrifically jumpy, and i cant stand it when people touch me. one of my friends is very touchy feely and hugs and even kisses me a lot, and it mades me feel like vomiting, but i cant tell her to stop because it freaks me out so much. even sitting next to someone and our shoulders touching makes me uncomfortable. i get depressed very easily and struggle to concentrate, and i have such a hot temper and can get very aggressive. i have been self harming for years over this. i feel like i can still feel on my neck and mouth where they kissed me and my wrists where they held me and it freaks me out. im terrified of seeing them. the last time i saw someone who looked even remotely like them, i thought i was going to pass out. the tiniest thing makes me think of them. i have dreams about them all the time, either reliving what happened or nightmares where they appear and are there in my life. im so scared of seeing them again. im even considering not going to university because im terrified ill turn up and they will have gone to the same one.
i feel so guilty and stupid and embarrassed. it wasnt a major thing, and it was so long ago, but i still think about it literally every single day. some days are worse than others, but it is always there in the back of my head. i dont know what to do.
i just need someone else to look at this and tell me: was that abuse? was it sexual assault?
im sorry this was so long. and thank you so much if you have read it/are going to reply. thank you.

 

[Casey_03]

Was this person older than you or an authority figure of some kind?

 

[j1999]

Was this person older than you or an authority figure of some kind?

only slightly older, there wasn't a hugely significant age difference :s

 

[Casey_03]

I'm not really qualified to say whether this could cause PTSD, but it definitely sounds like there was emotional abuse going on. Very often, people who end up in these types of relationships end up there because they've already been abused -- did anything happen to you earlier on in your childhood that wasn't quite normal? (I don't mean to imply that anything did, I'm just curious, because complex PTSD is often caused by prolonged childhood abuse). I think the best thing for you to do is seek an opinion from a doctor, as no one on here can really give you a definitive answer. Are your parents aware of this relationship? Have you tried speaking to them? If you don't want to talk to them, maybe there is a school counselor or something? It's good that you've spoken up about this, and I think it's important that you keep talking about it, preferably with a doctor or your parents. But we're here for you too!

 

[j1999]

I'm not really qualified to say whether this could cause PTSD, but it definitely sounds like there was...

i didn't suffer abuse as a child but did suffer slight neglect and also witnessed a lot of violence between my parents and also i lived in an abusive household with my mother and her boyfriend, who was abusive towards my mother and threatening and a bit creepy towards me but never actually abusive. so i would say i witnessed abuse but never really suffered it.
i didn't even think about that in relation to this stuff... cheers for your help, means a lot.
my parents don't know about it. i haven't really told anyone about it at all because find it really hard to talk about. im on the waiting list for children and adolescent mental health services to get a therapist so when i eventually do i will hopefully be able to bring it up with them....
thanks a lot.

 

[joeylittle]

then they shoved me over and knocked me onto their bed and held me down by my wrists before kissing me really hard on my neck and mouth.

Well, this is assault. It being assault doesn't mean that you would (or did) develop PTSD from it - but it was sexual assault, and it was wrong. I'm sorry that happened to you. It sounds like you have anxiety now, specifically around touch/intimacy, and therapy should be able to help you with that.

 

[RussH]

I am not sure if it is sexual abuse, but is is abuse, and they are an abuser, and a controller. This is someone who is a manipulator and who will use physical power to control.
There is no way to truly answer if it is enough trauma to cause PTSD. Each person deals with trauma differently.

 

[Chava]

I can't tell you what you may or may not have, but what struck me is how you struggled with boundaries with sort of asshole-ish friends (before pinning you down...obvious violation and no fault of your own). I assume you wanted to keep their friendship, which is normal and that there were parts you liked about them.

But seeing maybe a connection to early neglect and seeing violence towards your mom, and now having more experiences that were confusing and not positive, I'd wonder if you could meet with a counselor to talk this all over? It's a hard age no matter what, and hard to come out of a neglectful and/or violent home, even if not directly abused there. So you might have some sense-of-self or self-worth things worth looking at with some support....and the stuff of boundaries and wanting to be close to people but also feeling scared and confused. This all makes sense in light of what you've said. I can't say it's PTSD, but I hope you can talk to a counselor at your school or possibly a therapist. Is that an option?

 

[Deleted member 31177]

hiya. i really need some guidance about whether or not this was abuse/sexual assault, and whether or not i...

This is definitely Emotional Abuse - I did a little research and in my area we call this kind of man (or woman) a "Crazy-Maker" because they continue to order you around (as long as you let them) and "order you" to stay away from friends, berate you constantly, you are always wrong, you are "less than" and do things they know you hate - all just to keep control over you. Here is a little blurb I found on a website I will give you the link to:

Emotionally Abusive Men and Women Seek Control

"No matter who the emotionally abusive person is, they seek power and control over their victim. Children are the most common victims of emotional abuse for just this reason – parents want to completely dominate and control their children into doing what is "right." Similarly, a husband or wife may abuse their spouse to control them into "behaving correctly," in the mind of the abuser.

Emotional abusers seek to have their way irrespective of those around them, assuming that their way is "best," "right," or simply most convenient for them. Ironically, many people who emotionally abuse do so because they themselves are scared of being controlled."

The link here is: It won't accept my post with the link, the name of the website is healthyplace and you can search for emotional abuse there.

in case you want to check it out; there are many sites. This one also gives you links to a site for help and a site for treatment (which, to me seem like the same thing . . .?)

Anyways, you stay strong, and start young by keeping negative people out of your life!!
Even though some of us have diagnosed PTSD (I do from a few Psychiatrists and doctors), it is something that a doctor trained in this area can diagnose as there is no "test" to take for PTSD; the doctor, Psychologist, Therapist or Psychiatrist has to have much training in this particular area. I was misdiagnosed the first time and got really messed up on the meds they gave me, but finally went to a doctor with experience in this as I had multiple major traumas since I was young like you. So when you go to a doctor, be sure to ask before you go if they are trained in knowing the signs of PTSD as some don't have a clue, and the ones who misdiagnosed me are supposedly known as "The Dream Team" at the Hospital I was at for 3.5 weeks (Hospital in Pasadena, CA and the Psychologist who misdiagnosed me AND sexually exploited me for 6 months both in his office and at my house every week no longer has privileges at that hospital after I filed with the medical board, and then sued him), either had NO experience at all with PTSD or he knew I had PTSD and chose to misdiagnose me so he could do what he did with me because all of those wrong meds made me completely submissive and dwoozy (I made up that word).

I had to move away, the triggers from that also triggered a LOT of other traumas from childhood, teenage traumas (serious traumas; life or death traumas) and the nightmares began, and I would scream (and still sqeal) when people touch me from behind, like to get my attention or something). These are a couple of signs of PTSD.

Hang in there and work out the yucky, controlling situation you were in with your controlling boyfriend, and I'm not sure how long you were in it, although it might help to try to understand why you stayed with him if it was for any long period of time because he was so abusive and cruel and ultimately controlling. You are NOT bad in any way, it may have been a kind of co-dependance thing you were in, maybe? But don't mark my words at all - I'm no doctor. Please take good care of you, please! Keep the negative people out of your life - you can always choose to walk away. I didn't throughout my life and I almost ended mine. I am finally in a better place! You have the chance to have a FULL and WONDERFUL life! I pray to God the best life for you! <3

 

[Ronin]

Regardless if it was PTSD-causing type of traumatic, it was traumatic for you, and it was abuse, so it's something you need to work through and heal from, whichever diagnosis you receive for your issues otherwise.

 

[Deleted member 31177]

As I had just stated . . .

 

[MariaTPhD]

hiya. i really need some guidance about whether or not this was abuse/sexual assault, and whether or not i...

I would encourage you to see a therapist. Trauma is different things to different people. What you describe with your early experience is an example of a narcissistic antisocial personality, and people who are drawn to these types are usually suffering from early childhood trauma. You might not even remember it.

What I find curious is the aversion to touch. Many people have this, especially if they are on the autism spectrum. However, that is usually linked to over response in the brain. The skin crawling response you have described is usually associated with a memory that is being suppressed. Either this person was so oppressive that you needed to block the traumatic memory to protect your sense of self, or you are recalling the trauma from this person who recently imposed his or her will on you. Both can have this effect. When it affects your subsequent relationships to the point of destruction, it is most definitely PTSD. Which event caused it is not as important as understanding the process to move beyond the trauma.

We all experience trauma. The events don't always result in PTSD. However, some people who feel they don't have the right to speak about it or to speak up against another are more likely to experience PTSD. This may be why soldiers experience it the most. However, the way we address PTSD is usually the same. We take the traumatic memory and tell it as much as we can, recalling as much of it as we can, until the traumatic memory becomes a normalized memory. You just attempted this here, and it is proof that most people self-heal. You will heal too. Just keep doing this. Process the memory as much as you can and if people get sick of hearing, find new people to tell. At some point, you will find relationships become easier.

God bless your healing.