Childhood Was This Normal?

[theshadowoftheliving]

Can you talk to your mom about it? Tell her how you never got to be her child but her parent/ friend/whatever instead?

I don't think that this would be a good idea, as much as I want to confront her. I don't think she would possibly see it as problematic, which would just mean a fight. And, that's actually what I'm most upset about - I don't think that she would, at all, see this as a problem.

She was displaying VERY significant mental illness in that act.
It was PURE self-indulgent(on her part) abuse.

I know that she was mentally ill. she always has been. It is a battle for me to accept that she was never capable of giving me a normal childhood, and would and always will deny that there is any problem.

 

[Gs172003]

I don't think that this would be a good idea, as much as I want to confront her. I don't t...

My therapist one time asked me why I kept trying to get help from a woman not capable ( my own mom). I told her I didn't have anybody else. She told me to let it go and to "be to myself the mom I always wanted"
I will wager to say your mom was the best mom she knew how to be just like mine was and still is. But that's not always enough. Grieve that. Then move on. That's what I was told anyway.

 

[Angela Corgan]

I agree with the last thread but would add that it sounds like there was emotional incest and that was wrong but perhaps not done intentionally to harm you.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Definitely not normal.

Whenever an adult uses a child selfishly for his or her own purposes, the behavior is not normal and, in fact, abusive.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I will wager to say your mom was the best mom she knew how to be just like mine was and still is. But that's not always enough.

Yes, I agree. And that is what makes this so hard - I know that she tried as hard as she could. But, it definitely was not enough.

I agree with the last thread but would add that it sounds like there was emotional incest and that was wrong but perhaps not done intentionally to harm you.

And this I know as well. I know that she didn't mean it. I know that she would deny it. And I just can't get over it or stop being so angry anyways.

Whenever an adult uses a child selfishly for his or her own purposes, the behavior is not normal and, in fact, abusive.

I'm also having trouble identifying this as abuse, although it sure feels that way.

 

[Friday]

What do I do about this? How do I handle it? My impulse is that I need some sort of action; this sitting still and sitting with the uncomfortableness of what happened is really making my head spin.

What do I do about this? How do I handle this?

There have been times in my sons life that his merely breathing provides me with endless comfort. The moments where I just stand in the doorway for a moment longer than necessary at bedtime; times when I just held him in my arms as a baby, or leaned against him watching a film, or just stayed and watched him goofing with his friends for just a few more minutes after dropping him off at basketball. The times I'm just all verklempt as he takes a girl out on a date, or makes me breakfast in bed (ironically, fewer shells in the eggs at age 4 than 14??? :roflmao: ), or adjusts his tie, or shaves in the mirror. The times he's held my hand when he doesn't have to, or "scoot over!" half sprawls on me on the couch, or comes and sits on the arm of my chair, or 'Mommy! Wookit!" (All toddler soprano) to "Yo! Mom! Check this out!" (Booming adult male voice, somehow coming out of my baby's throat. Oh. Right. He's almost grown up!) is all excited and calls my attention to something. Times when he's grabbed his book to come read with me, or lays down on my bed to stare at the ceiling and talk with me, or rests his head on my shoulder (while otherwise completely ignoring me, to be texting a friend or watching a YouTube clip :rolleyes: ).

There a tens of thousands of times in his life -baby to teen- that his pure existence just fills me with joy, warmth, happiness. Gives me strength, courage, purpose.

Are these abusive? Because I'm getting something out of it? Nah. These are just love. :happy:

The aiiiiiieeeeeeee :wtf: moments with parenting, all just sort of fade away into nothingness in those moments. (Snort. Only to be yanked right back, far too soon ;))

The point of this novel above... Is that kids can be a comfort (joy, source of strength, purpose, et al)... without role reversal. Without abuse. In order to not abuse my son I don't have to never hug him, never hold him, never spend an extra moment thinking how gosh darn cute he is -when asleep- after a day spent on my very last nerve. I don't have to never show emotion. Never be proud, never cry. It's okay for my son to make me happy, and it's okay for my son to see me sad/hurt/upset. In order to not-abuse my son? I don't have to neglect him, instead. Abuse and Neglect are on the opposite sides of the spectrum.

***

Personally... That's the action I would take: Deciding to never do to my kids, what was done to me AND to also not do the inverse, out of fear. To link both of those things together, and bin them both. This? Was wrong. As is it's opposite. So as a parent, I'm not going to do that. And if/when I catch myself? I will stop. And change. Because this is important to me. I cannot change the past, but Incan change the present & the future.

 

[Sideways]

Whenever an adult uses a child selfishly for his or her own purposes, the behavior is not normal and, in fact, abusive.

This is a pretty loose definition, and I disagree. There's an element of 'wrongful misuse' that I think needs to be present to turn selfish behaviour into abuse.

Context is relevant. When I was 15, I was cooking the family dinner every other night because I was home earliest. In my case, it was a reasonable contribution I was making to the family. Tweak the scenario a little, and I'm the last home because I work 18 hours a day in a coal mine while my parents shoot porn films at home? Okay, easy. Cooking dinner just became part of the abuse.

And in the scenario for this thread, context is still important. In some families, in some cultures, this behaviour would be pretty normal, and would even potentially be cited as an example of how close the family unit is.

But that's not what was happening here. I don't know a lot of the background, but the mum was pretty messed up and abusive, yeah? And when the parent is already abusive, like if I remembered any time my dad got a bit too close and cuddly with me, even though in another context another kid might think, meh, cuddle from dad, what's the biggie? For me, in the context of abuse, that cuddle-memory would be all sorts of distressing.

As for what to do with that distress? Exactly what you're doing here. Feelig it, and processing it, so that in time it becomes less distressing. So be gentle with yourself:)

 

[Gs172003]

My brother used to climb in bed with my mom. He did it until he was in his late teens ( it may have been til he moved out I don't remember) why? Because "her bed was more comfortable". My brother is also a rough sleeper. He's a kicker. He also flops around and doesn't stay where he started but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway people that don't know my brother might think he's gross. People that do know that's just him. He's a bit goofy, but that's it. It got on my moms nerves, but that's it. But from the outside it would look like something was going on. It wasn't.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I think what @Ragdoll Circus points out is key - context. And, that's what makes my moms abuse harder to understand and recognize than the sexual abuse (clearly wrong) or even the emotional abuse from a drunk father (drunk = bad = abusive when you're terrified of getting hit). But my mom? No one thing in and of itself was particularly wrong. There were just too many of them.

This is one example. So was her putting us kids into the backseat of the car and then getting into the passenger seat and letting my father drive drunk. Giving me the silent treatment for days if I did the wrong thing (like ask for a ride as a teenager or other things that "undermined her" and left me wondering for days -and even still now - what I had done wrong to deserve it). Getting mad when I tried to assert boundaries at eighteen and telling me that my desire to not just listen to her and do her beck and call was me "knowing how to hurt me the worst, like you just stick a knife in me and twist it to watch me hurt." (This comment, I believe, was in response to me asking not to hear about her and my dad's love life/personal relationship).

From the outside she presented so well. Everyone told her she was such a stellar mother. This is what is confusing and why I can't, even as a middle-aged adult woman, understand if what she did was wrong or not.

Edited to add: the examples of this sort of thing go so deep. There are so many. And remembering them makes me feel so ill to my stomach.

 

[RussH]

Normal no, appropriate no. However what you describe is a person who was in a great deal of emotional pain. My question is Why?