Relationship We Just Found Out He Was Attacked In His Sleep.

[Badger]

How do you get over that? Apparently Winter was woken in bed by his father and physically attacked and beaten. According to him this happened many times. His mother has to take anti anxiety meds when she visits him because she is so terrified by the experience of watching him dissociate. Which predictably always happpens right before he gooes to sleep.

I saw a dissociative episode and it wasnt that bad. He just acted terrified and helped me to leave politely but quickly- the next day he did not remember but didrespond to some visual cues I showed him. He wants me to stay over but he says it would be nearly immpossible for me to do that? Any ideas on how we could make it safe for me to spend the night?

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

What about starting with short time periods and then adding a bit of time? Would be inconvenient but would help with transitioning.

 

[Badger]

We both take sleep meds, so thats not going to work. I thought of something unconventional...Restraints ? Not as part of a sexual game- more like restraining me so he knows he is safe.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

If he's used them before in a recreational way, it may be a good idea. If not, it may cause an episode in itself

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think he needs to work on the dissociation without you in the mix. When that gets better, then maybe you can spend the night.

Does he dissociate before naps? What if you two took a daytime nap together as a way to ease into the situation?

 

[Hashi]

I'm a sufferer. As a child I woke up to things like being dragged out of bed across the floor and down the stairs. You can get over things, but by working on the original trauma and on self management, rather than working on the current situation that triggers it. The sufferer is the one who has to do that work.

The way for it to be safe for you to spend the night is for him to work on his skills and on trauma. That can take time and is difficult. It sounds like you're very supportive which is wonderful for him, but I would see it as support for his work on recovery and not you doing things to try to fix the situation for him/both of you. Maybe being supportive in this situation is more about accepting that it's too hard for you to stay the night at the moment? He may also need to accept that.

Personally I wouldn't find restraints for you would be a solution or even a good idea. It's not the fundamental point, which is that as sufferers we are having reactions that are out of proportion to the actual situation (because of our PTSD symptoms). A response from a supporter which is so out of proportion to ordinary behaviour seems to me to keep everything at that level of "out of proportion" rather than trying to work on gentler solutions to gradually bring things back into alignment. I think it would bring a risk of seeing excessive control of external situations as the way to deal with triggers, rather than the sufferer taking things slowly and doing the internal work that's needed for recovery.

It's also a lot of focus on a symptom, when the focus needs to be on the cause.

I've got to be honest and say that to me it would feel like you crossing a line between supporting and wanting to fix things for him. It feels like you want to be taking action to deal with this, even action that is this extreme - I think the idea of using restraints on yourself while sleeping is extreme - but I'm not sure there's action for you to take. I think it's for him to take action (working on skills and healing) and your role as a supporter might need to be a more passive one.

I'm not clear what the situation is. I've only read this thread. Is Winter having therapy and practising coping and grounding techniques? If so, maybe you both just need to give that more time and not add the stress of challenging this issue at the moment. If not...

 

[Badger]

Staying over is something we both wanted me to do. Currently the agreement is to put it off for a month and see if we can work on it. The dissociation doesnt happen when no one is there, which may make it hard for him to work on by himself. He's on seroquel for it. He does have a therapist who he talks to, but he says he prefers to rely on his friends which means most stuff ends up getting shared with me first then the therapist.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well that is a huge problem right there. I don't think it is fair of him to be treating his friends like therapists. This is said as someone who is a sufferer and as someone with a family member who is also a sufferer. You aren't professionally equipped to deal with his issues. You may both want to sleep over, but that doesn't mean that jumping right in is the best approach.

I see this as a boundary issue. You think you can handle all of his issues now , but honestly I don't think that sort of stress is good for a long term relationship.

 

[Badger]

Solara, I get you, and if we were planning on getting married or moving in together or something serious you would be right. We started out as friends. The friendship is still the most serious part of the relationship. We have no definition for where this is going. We aren't in a hurry to get there, we don't share financial resources or parenting- we do playdates with our kids and go hang out at his house every friday night. Our long term relationship is a friendship. I think it is a good idea to see if taking naps together would trigger him. We definitely both miss the physical contact of being close to another adult.

I don't think he is very comfortable with his new therapist. The one he had moved and hes still getting used to this one.

 

[Hashi]

The dissociation doesnt happen when no one is there, which may make it hard for him to work on by himself.

It makes it easier to work on by himself. Because what he needs to work on is stability, skills, staying present and grounded. If nothing is throwing him off, then all the better. He knows what happens when someone is there. That's enough to work on. I think if he's seeing a good therapist and willing to work with him/her then someone there or no-one there isn't relevant to this.

He does have a therapist who he talks to, but he says he prefers to rely on his friends

Alarm bells going off here.

If he's not seeing the right trauma therapist, that needs to be addressed. Not avoided by turning to his friends instead, because his friends aren't therapists. Friends are fantastic support - believe me, I am deeply thankful for my friends every day. But they aren't therapists. Friends have ideas like trying to fix the situation by using restraints while they're sleeping - and those ideas make sense to friends, and are from 100% good intentions, but are not necessarily good ideas because friends aren't trauma therapists and can't be expected to be.

If he's seeing the right trauma therapist but isn't willing to engage, then that needs to be addressed.

Personally, I think his current approach to therapy is going to be a huge problem, and that your role here is to keep steering him back to therapy (or to the right therapy). You and he might not agree with my view, so I'm just going to state it and leave you to whatever you know, deep down, is right. Not what you want or feel, but what you really know. Because in general I don't trust what people would like, but I do trust what they really know. So I'm going to leave now and trust you both with that.

 

[Badger]

Hashi-I like your answer. Im not sure what a trauma therapist is, so, Im pretty sure his therapi isnt one or he would have told me. He was originally isolating more then he is now. I do feel like as a friend, and someone who is becoming a lover, I would rather be a source of pleasure then pain. Thats what the therapist is for, right? He is a very physically attractive (literally has to fight women
off) and intelligent man, with a degree in languages, who worked as a social worker with homeless people. I dont want to be his therapist :) I want to be a friend. The ptsd diagnosis is new for him, he was diagnosed originally with bipolar disorder.

 

[Abstract]

This may help Badger. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/what-is-a-trauma-therapist.16495/

Personally I think there are also other approaches that are helpful too but the key issue is that they need to be properly trained in trauma. Most of us end up wondering down a few dead ends or dangerous tracks before we find the right path for us.

You have received good advice here from the others.