Just found out my husband committed financial infidelity

[Scarlet13]

Thank you for your insights.
I am not handling this well because he LIED to me over and over again to protect one big lie.
I feel like an idiot because there were things were did like take a vacation, or buy a matress that we did not need to do.
This is hard. His lying is sending me over the edge. Not a modest pay cut.
He did this because of HIS shame.
Now I feel like I have no one.
No family, my sister won't make time for me.
My husband has committed financial infidelity.
I am about to call the suicide hot line and am scared to do it.
I just feel like I have no one.
I don't really have any close friends.
I did not realize just how much I was depending on my husband for support.

 

[MyWillow]

Yep same here @Scarlet13 but we got through it. Yes it was wrong but end of the world or the relationship it’s not. I only look at the number of times my t has talked me out of quitting my excellent well paying job to know there is something else happening here.

 

[Scarlet13]

So I just called the suicidal hot line at like 3 am and talked to him for an hour. He pointed out cognitive distortions which was some what helpful, but this didn't feel like cognitive distortions to me it felt real which I tried to explain.
But then he said, well having suicidal thoughts over this is a cognitive distortion.
That is a big reaction and that there are other reactions that are more in line with what happened.
He was very validating. It was a really good experience. I started to get suicidal thoughts because it was feeling like I had no one. I have put my husband into the role of my main support and I cannot talk to him about him only.
I needed someone else to talk to.
I don't have other close friends right now. My family is abusive and/or apathetic.
This has made me realize that maybe I need to try to make close friends more (once I have calmed down) but this is hard with PTSD.
My husband was my rock and apparently I have drove him over the edge causing him to lie to me.
I am feeling better after the hot line talk. It was surprisingly helpful. We came up with a coping plan that is extreme self care/coping thoughts/ and knowing that there are solutions and resources like marriage therapy in the future. But I need to some how tolerate or get thru this emotional upset until then.
He was also talking about how I could go back to sleep. I don't know if that will happen.

 

[Suzetig]

but this didn't feel like cognitive distortions to me it felt real which I tried to explain

The difficulty with cognitive distortion is that it does feel real, real enough to make impulsive decision on, real enough that those decisions feel well thought through and reasonable when in fact they're an over-reaction.

i think @Friday makes an excellent point about the nature of love - your husband chose to protect you and in doing so risked his relationship with you, because the alternative was possibly losing you to suicide. You say the pay cut wouldn't have tipped you over but your reaction here suggests you're not in a great place to handle additional stress just now, much less so 10 months ago.

You do need people other than your husband, no one person can meet all of our needs so thinking about how you might widen your support circle is no bad thing. I'm glad the support line helped you, and I hope you get some rest.

 

[Gs172003]

You're probably not going to like this. If it really upsets you, feel free to blow it off.

I'd like to...

Thank you. I also feel like maybe you should work on realizing that your man is human. He is GOING to make some mistakes. If this is all he's done in ten years, you're a very. Very. Lucky woman. You also need to realize that he is not going to think about how you were raised etc etc when he makes a decision that is based on you. He's going to think about you, now. That said, I think you are being waaaaay to hard on him. You've said it yourself. He was trying to protect YOU.

 

[Scarlet13]

I think this has all been helpful and I appreciate this perspective that you are each offering.
I am really using these perspectives.
I do not think I am being too hard on him.
He lied to me for 10 mos and drained our savings. I am reacting to relationship betrayal.
He was doing this specifically because he "could not bare the shame" of his actions and so dug himself in deeper.
He wanted so desperately to be the bread winner.
Only part of this was his worry I might kill myself.
He knows and has seen consistently how proactive I am regarding suicidal thoughts that come up.
He knows I have a support network of mental health care providers.
This was only one small part of what he did.
He used giving as a way to numb his pain and shame the way some people use alcohol. This is his realization. He said this.
He has issues setting boundaries and saying no.
He wants people to be comfortable always and feels personally responsible for peoples comfort above his. He struggles with self care and will push and push himself.
So, he felt personally responsible for my potential PTSD reaction not because I was at a risk to myself but because he has this as an issue.
I was treated as a glass doll that needs protection not given the dignity and respect to handle the truth because of HIS insecurities. He did not want to be in trouble.
I have consistently shown responsibility for myself and my PTSD. I do not ever put the burden of keeping me alive on him.
I do confide in him, but also my therapist and hotlines. I can and will consistently handle problems and he knows that.
There were many reasons why he did what he did and it wasn't just to be a hero.
After saying all of that, I do believe that it is very hard to live with someone who has PTSD. I am not perfect and I have hurt him. His fear of what I would do is justifiable. But I am consistently responsible and proactive regarding my PTSD. I don't know what else to do to win his trust and that is what he does not have for me.
His protecting me is only one small part of the problem.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you have no idea what it’s like to have a loved one who is suicidal. I think you have no idea what it’s like to fear that they will kill them selves.

Pull yourself back into wise mind. You are most definitely not in wise mind right now as you are attempting to be Uber “rational”

 

[Scarlet13]

Yes, you are right. It would be good for me to think that. He did mention to me over the summer how he was having suicidal thoughts over not getting a job and feeling like a failure.
I felt completely and desperately terrified and even angry at him. I felt like doing anything to take shit off his plate.
So, I do know, but I also can get lost in my own PTSD and not realize how shitty it can feel for a loved one that it can drive him to a desperate place like lying for 10 mos.
He did that also because he could not tolerate his own shame and of being paid less so we lived beyond our means because he lied about his salary.
Your comment helps and I agree. It is good to think about.
But I feel betrayed and like he does not trust me to handle my shit.
There is a codependent thing going on here.
We are seeking marriage counseling and I hope that will help.
I depend on him too much and this is pressure and he takes care of me too much and disregards the strength that I do show.

 

[Neverthesame]

Welp. I wrote a whole big long post. Then I read your reply...

The good news is, this rewrite is a hell of alot shorter.
The bad news is, I got a crick in my neck from my poor posture. Oh well, I'll live.

But I feel betrayed and like he does not trust me to handle my shit.

I think it would be very important to be able to fully express this to him.
This is important to you, and it would be helpful for you to know that he understands this.

We are seeking marriage counseling and I hope that will help.
I depend on him too much and this is pressure and he takes care of me too much and disregards the strength that I do show.

I think this would be a great way to accomplish this.
I really hope you two can work through this.
10 years of marriage is no small accomplishment.

 

[Scarlet13]

So he has been lying about our finances for years now.
He racked up over 30 k in debt.
I have no idea how to get through this.
I still love him though, but how do I forgive this?
I think this was all just living beyond our means.
I have seen out of network providers which I thought was ok, but I guess not.

 

[Gs172003]

So he has been lying about our finances for years now.
He racked up over 30 k in debt.
I have no idea...

My sister went through something similar. Except her husband bought a boat in another state on his parent property and then lied about it. His parents lied about it too. He did this not once but twice. My sister set firm boundaries that if it ever happened again she was walking.

 

[Scarlet13]

Yes, so it feels like my life is over. I have hit rock bottom.
I don't know how to get out of this debt.
I cannot even see my T right now.
That is how much he screwed me.