Weird mental states

[Lisamarieaxo]

Hello everyone.
I have had so many weird internal experiences that I just can't fully put into words. My Dr. Put me out of work for bit to heal. I have been home 7 weeks. I noticed this horrible feeling when there is no distractions, no external guidance. I don't know what to call it. But I almost feel like I am going to loose my mind and I can't bear being conscious. I even try to plan my sleeping around this so that I hope to never be without a way to escape my internal state. I am almost afraid of this nothingness consuming me. Or this not understanding this world. It sort of like a defragmentation of reality or a fear of it. I start to then observe myself like and I getting that "weird state" and then intro to engage myself in something quickly. Deep down I am afraid I won't be able to beat this reality. Anyone feel anything like this ever?

 

[EveHarrington]

Can you describe in more detail what it feels like?

 

[grit]

I am sorry you are going through this. Are you on medication that is causing you this? I think if you are afraid of losing your mind, you are not losing your mind. When we lose the mind, we do not know we are losing the mind that is why it is lost...do you see what I did here?

I am just wondering what is going in your life that precipitated this state? regardless if you cannot share yet, I hope you find some peace while you hold yourself compassionately.

 

[Friday]

Like I’m shattering? About to meltdown or blow up? Have nothing left of myself? Slip right over the edge into the Void? Be rolled over by the fog / the Nothing? Lose everything? Lose my self control? Lose my emotions? Lose my mind?

Absolutely.

There are clinical terms to each of the things I described up above. Some of them describe below.

The Nothing (for me) tends to be a form of

Disassociation
- derealization (the world isn’t real)
- depersonalization (I’m not real)
- distancing (emotional numbing/ blunting / absence)

Depression <<< Sometimes with a whomping dose of
Anxiety <<< Ditto

Dysregulation <<< leading to (blowing up, melting down, lashing out, etc.)

 

[shimmerz]

feel like I am going to loose my mind and I can't bear being conscious. I

I have this. I call it annihilation anxiety. If there is a hell, I am certain that is what it feels like. It's terrifying. Very sorry you are going through this.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Yep, I feel it a lot. It’s the worst when I’m not busy. I’m not sure if it would help but anything to keep your mind occupied and keep on a schedule helps me.

 

[Lisamarieaxo]

Yep, I feel it a lot. It’s the worst when I’m not busy. I’m not sure if it would help but anything to keep your mind occupied and keep on a schedule helps me.

That is what I am trying to do. But it's like what's the point on life? Are we just distracting ourselves until it's over?..

I have this. I call it annihilation anxiety. If there is a hell, I am certain that is what it feels like. It's terrifying. Very sorry you are going through this.

Yes you were the first to express an understanding to me! I can't not overstate that your understanding may have saved my life dear one. The only thing worse than this is when I almost died from drowning. That physical pain was horrible.
But this weird, as you call it, anihilation anxiety (or defragmented psyche at dffrnt intensities), is the 2nd worse experience for me.

Can you describe in more detail what it feels like?

Ugh I can't describe it. Which is pretty much the worst part. I've had it to an extreme when drifting off to sleep or waking in the middle of the night. These episodes were the worse. The best way was how Shimmerz told me that it was like the psyche was defragmenting. Everything around me was strange and I couldn't understand anything. If you handed me a glass of water I would have no idea what it was or what to do w it. But I wasn't zones out I was HYPER aware and it was all moving so fast.

I am sorry you are going through this. Are you on medication that is causing you this? I think if you are afraid of losing your mind, you are not losing your mind. When we lose the mind, we do not know we are losing the mind that is why it is lost...do you see what I did here?

I am just wondering what is going in your life that precipitated this state? regardless if you cannot share yet, I hope you find some peace while you hold yourself compassionately.

I am not on any meds. I have a benzo when I really need it which hasn't been that often since I have been off of work (3 times in the last 2 months). I agree about the loosing our minds. We are so overly aware and loosing your mind is loosing awareness. I almost wish for that! I think is is less painful short term but way worse prognosis long term.
Well I have CPTSD (and pretty much every diagnosis at some point in life life that I believe all stem from the ptsd). Most recently it's been my panic disorder w mild agoraphobia. I did pretty well w it and thought I was cured! Although I did not do all the underlying traumas (I do emdr and we did not "clear" them all). Then i had a trauma this summer and a month later my panic attacks started again. Worse.. so here I am 2 months from then. Trying to heal.

 

[EveHarrington]

Ugh I can't describe it. Which is pretty much the worst part. I've had it to an extreme when drifting off to sleep or waking in the middle of the night. These episodes were the worse. The best way was how Shimmerz told me that it was like the psyche was defragmenting. Everything around me was strange and I couldn't understand anything. If you handed me a glass of water I would have no idea what it was or what to do w it. But I wasn't zones out I was HYPER aware and it was all moving so fast.

I think I experienced something similar in the past. I’m not sure why it went away though. I wish I could be of more help other than to say you’re not alone. :hug:

But it's like what's the point on life? Are we just distracting ourselves until it's over?..

I think it’s about finding your sweet spot. That is, keeping yourself busy, but not so BUSY (!!!!!) that you’re missing out on life.

One of my current goals is to make daily schedules and follow the schedule. This may seem like something very simple, but for me it’s very difficult because for the past ten years I’ve been self employed and struggling with symptoms. I have the kind of job that’s super flexible, so I just do it when I want to do it. Aside from appointments, I have almost no structure to my day. Making structure is HARD! Yes I’m keeping busy, but at the same time I must also know when to back off. Today I worked hard, so tomorrow I must try and take it easy(r). Sorry for rambling, lol.

 

[Lisamarieaxo]

I think I experienced something similar in the past. I’m not sure why it went away though. I wish I could be of more help other than to say you’re not alone. :hug:



I think it’s about finding your sweet spot. That is, keeping yourself busy, but not so BUSY (!!!!!) that you’re missing out on life.

One of my current goals is to make daily schedules and follow the schedule. This may seem like something very simple, but for me it’s very difficult because for the past ten years I’ve been self employed and struggling with symptoms. I have the kind of job that’s super flexible, so I just do it when I want to do it. Aside from appointments, I have almost no structure to my day. Making structure is HARD! Yes I’m keeping busy, but at the same time I must also know when to back off. Today I worked hard, so tomorrow I must try and take it easy(r). Sorry for rambling, lol.

The structure and the schedule thing is huge than huge. I have been working on the same thing all of my life. Just recently, I came to a theory about this. Especially for those of us who were abused/neglected. The boundaries of our internal structure of our ego were always violated. So our inner ego structure is weakened. And therefore outer structure is even more needed for us. But it is about that sweet spot omce again, bc the structure needs to be firm and flexible for us. I will post more about this idea at some point. Appropriate structure is needed.

 

[IceQueencop]

@Lisamarieaxo, I know where you are. I have been there. Your brain will heal and there will be a day when you aren’t feeling this.

When you face a life or death situation, as you have, your brain filters out things that are not important to your survival, like the glass of water. There’s a theory that the brain is getting you ready to pass painlessly into death. One element of PTSD is reliving your trauma.

I remember feeling like I couldn’t move fast enough, they I didn’t understand what was being said, I couldn’t figure out how to make decisions. I couldn’t even make a sandwich if there were any distractions. Then there was the anxiety, I couldn’t stand still, but I was too anxious to go anywhere. I had vivid images of suiciding. I had flashbacks when I tried to work out, and nothing else made me comfortable.

Looking back, I know that a lot of that was reliving my trauma. It isn’t comfortable to go through, but these thoughts are caused by the trauma. These aren’t thoughts your brain would have if you had not gone through the trauma. In other words, you are not crazy. This is a phase in your healing. It sucks and it’s uncomfortable, but it’s like going through a surgery that will ultimately help you live better- understand that you will be in pain for a while, but that it won’t last forever.

Meds can help.

@Lisamarieaxo - keep reaching out.
You will get through this.

Hugs,
IQC

 

[VioletButterfly]

@Lisamarieaxo - I've been feeling what you've described for a long while now and haven't been sure how to term it or even describe it. I'm sorry you're also dealing with something similar. I have been thinking I need structure as well, along with a job. I think a job would provide a great deal of the structure I need, but I think personal interaction when I can manage it might help as well. I don't feel quite human many days. It's very disconcerting, frustrating and discouraging. I hope you can find some relief for yourself and have better days ahead. VB

 

[Lisamarieaxo]

@Lisamarieaxo, I know where you are. I have been there. Your brain will heal and there will be a day when you aren’t feeling this.

When you face a life or death situation, as you have, your brain filters out things that are not important to your survival, like the glass of water. There’s a theory that the brain is getting you ready to pass painlessly into death. One element of PTSD is reliving your trauma.

I remember feeling like I couldn’t move fast enough, they I didn’t understand what was being said, I couldn’t figure out how to make decisions. I couldn’t even make a sandwich if there were any distractions. Then there was the anxiety, I couldn’t stand still, but I was too anxious to go anywhere. I had vivid images of suiciding. I had flashbacks when I tried to work out, and nothing else made me comfortable.

Looking back, I know that a lot of that was reliving my trauma. It isn’t comfortable to go through, but these thoughts are caused by the trauma. These aren’t thoughts your brain would have if you had not gone through the trauma. In other words, you are not crazy. This is a phase in your healing. It sucks and it’s uncomfortable, but it’s like going through a surgery that will ultimately help you live better- understand that you will be in pain for a while, but that it won’t last forever.

Meds can help.

@Lisamarieaxo - keep reaching out.
You will get through this.

Hugs,
IQC

Thank you for this! I often feel that this is never ending! Your post really helped me. Can I ask what you did to heal?