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Childhood Weird Sensation In Genitals - Body Memory?

#28
Me too. Im glad you posted this. I tried explaining this to a therapist years ago. They treat it so nonchalantly. It...
Taylor, it sounds like you're stuck in the middle of a flashback / being retriggered. I totally get being poor, but you need help. For me, the help was worth the cost, because I too couldn't live like that. I guess in the meantime, know that how you feel is part of the trauma, and not the real you. Hang in there. Get some consistent help. Keep reaching out.

What you guys are talking about is what I'm currently working on with my T. One of my questions last week, was "what if I liked it?" Not because I actually liked it, clearly I didn't, it's f*cked me up for life, but because in one situation, it led to arousal around older men in my family, and in another, because I froze and let other kids do things to me and don't really know why. Both situations included physiological arousal. My body responded as if I "liked" it... well, until you factor in the self-harm, then clearly I didn't like it at all. A lot of what happened to me happened young enough that I question my sexuality pretty regularly at this point. I know that being straight wasn't something I chose, it was chosen for me. I have no idea if I'm truly gay or straight. I've thought about kissing a girl to find out, but here's the rub... I get aroused at things I hate. It's such a mindf*ck. I thought I was permanently ruined. And, yes, of course there is so much shame. One of the hardest questions I've ever asked, is "what if I liked it?" How do you guys untangle what is trauma arousal from real arousal?

There are two other parts to all of it, first is my ability to be completely slutty with men, as if sex will lead to love. None of that is healthy, and doing things like that make me feel like I am worthless and are so reinjuring. To the point that I'm now celibate. Second, I don't, won't, can't and no f*cking way is anyone going down on me. My body will freeze. I will freak out. Sex hurts me physically, and I too pee a ton. The body knows. My body knows. And I have the same worries and thoughts you guys do:
What's wrong with me
What if I liked it
What if I did something to solicit it or encourage it
What if I'm some f*cked up perv because what turns me on is so f*cked up
I hate being pretty
Why do I feel this way
Why can't I force / make the thoughts and feelings go away
Don't touch me
I'll never have a normal sex life
I want a normal sex life
I don't even know what a normal sex life is
If I have sex, I'm afraid of getting STDs and STIs (like super freaked out about it)
I don't know if I'm straight or gay
I feel so alone
...
but, talking about this horrible stuff is breaking the secrecy, which helps. Finding out how normal these thoughts are for what happened helps too. Just please keep talking about this, because I need more voices to help me make sense of it all.
 
#29
What's wrong with me
What if I liked it
What if I did something to solicit it or encourage it
What if I'm some f*cked up perv because what turns me on is so f*cked up
I hate being pretty
Why do I feel this way
Why can't I force / make the thoughts and feelings go away
Don't touch me
I'll never have a normal sex life
I want a normal sex life
I don't even know what a normal sex life is
Get out of my head.
 
#30
I hate that shit. Once I went to sleep and I felt something entering my vagina. The shit feels weird asf. It makes my question if my speed donor ever tried to rape me because the only memory I have is fingering. I want to vomit
 
#32
and the word you use, ick is exactly right. I have it when my hubby snuggles up to me in bed and I feel his penis against my back, I swear i could jump out of bed at that moment.

Or also when I breastfed my children, (my abuse involved similar contact) , it was all I could do to not give up on it just because of that feeling.The thought of it still makes me shudder
 
K

kaimonora

#34
well when I hit a certain age I went through a psyzophrenic episode where I was getting touched by what I couldnt see and getting made to feel guilty when it happened when I was young I remember my mother pulling on my penis saying we gotta make sure it grows right. I know I was abused by my mother but I don't remember all of it. I remember being barely awake one time unable to move and her on top of me turns my f*cking stomache. now when I get frightened I feel like someone is touching my genitals it's very unwelcoming and it disgusts me I'm a 27 year old male now and I'm still reremembering things that happened to me.
 
#35
Hello everyone. I hope this is the right place to post this. I'm recently coming to terms with childhood se...
Hi I am 38 years old and have been working on myself. This week all of a sudden I am haunted by thoughts and feelings of being molested as a child. I have never really had this before in all my life but I am thinking I kept it surpressed. I have always kind of wondered if I was but never thought much about it. Anyway this week anytime I question if I was molested (I cant remember details) I get tingly in my private and I cry a lot. Today I was trying to think of people I could ask to verify if this happened and I came up with nobody will verify this for me and I cried very very hard yelling OMG and my private kept arousing and I kept closing my legs tight and putting my hand there and felt shame and then I cried more and went into almost what was like it was happening and I kept yelling stop stop stop and closing my legs. I never had this before but since this realization came to mind this week I keep telling myself I want to know and I want to remember and then today this happened and it was strong and like ou of body experience of reenactment almost I feel like it is a body memory trying to tell my mind. I did not know anything about Body memory until this happened today and I started researching. I really want verification that this happened but I feel like it must have because of what I experienced today, it was crazy.
 
#36
Hello everyone. I hope this is the right place to post this. I'm recently coming to terms with childhood se...
Yes i feel this is very normal and probably one of the most common type of body memory in my opinion. I experience it at various times in the same situations you described. Its difficult to describe the sensation sometimes, sometimes its painful or just to tingling, other times i don't feel anything but am wet, which can be confusing and hard to deal with at first, but i assure you its normal
 
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