Well Here Goes...

[Big Pete]

I guess I should go ahead and introduce myself. I am a Marine and have been out for 2 years now. I deployed once to Afghanistan, Helmand Province. After getting out I always claimed that I would never be a guy who admitted to having issues and would certainly never claim PTSD for VA compensation. I guess you could say that all changed after one night when I was apparently having a nightmare. My wife told me she put her hand on my to see if I was okay and I turned and punched her in the chest. Of course I don't remember any of this but to hear that I did this absolutely tore me up. I love my wife more than anything and as you all know our spouses hurt with us. I promised her I would seek help and started the claim with the VA. My deployment was probably what many would call normal for Marines in Helmand. My platoon took 3 IED casualties that resulted in double amputees and one gunshot KIA. I was only there for one incident, but the visual aspects of these incidents is not what kills me, it is that they actually happened to my men is what kills me. I was responsible for them and now I am here physically healthy and they are not. Each incident resulted from a tactical decision that I made. Perhaps if I made the decision the other way each incident could have ended up worse, but maybe not, maybe it would have prevented each incident from happening at all. I don't know. All I know is that survivors guilt is what eats at me. As a leader I tried to not micro-manage my guys and accompany them on too many patrols. Then a part of me thinks I didn't go on enough patrols. I feel there really is no right answer. Deep down when that time of the year comes when it is the anniversary of my Marine that was killed and the alive days for my wounded Marines I dread contacting them. I always want to talk to them, but I dread the conversation at the same time. I don't know what to say, there is nothing I can say to make it right. The great thing about these young men is that they have no anger towards me or anyone else about their situation, they truly are amazing, they truly are heroes. My fallen Marine's mother calls me one of her sons, our whole platoon are now her sons, she is truly an amazing woman.

I guess I am coming here much like many of you, to vent and talk to guys who have been there. Every day I wish I could go back and do it again in hopes of being able to change the past. When I went through the process of claiming PTSD through the VA I was extremely surprised by how quick it went. When I went to see the therapist that they sent me to I knew right away I was going to be rated with PTSD simply because the guy believed everyone should be rated that way who has a combat action ribbon, which is complete bullshit, but its not my place to decide that. I was upset because he had no interest in hearing my issues, he was only interested in questions like had I fired my weapon, seen someone injured, etc. It was like PTSD was some sort of scientific formula that he could cook up. After they rated me at the minimum 50% (which I feel is more than I should have) they called me trying to bump it up to 70% because they found a video of a firefight my platoon was in that could "get me more money" as they said. I declined. I already felt guilt about taking money, I certainly wasn't going to take more. What probably upset or concerned me more than anything is that no one has ever talked to me about any kind of treatment, whether it be meds (which I won't take), therapy, etc. It is just a check every month. I guess that is okay, I'll just take it upon myself to get help like many of you.

I have so much I can say, I don't if anyone will read this or not, but just writing it seems to help already. I also look forward to reading what many of you have to say as well. As far as my everyday life I get along pretty well. Like most of you all, I have random spouts of anger and anxiety that can be triggered by different things, but never do I get out of control and I can manage most of it. I would say my biggest issue is putting the bottle down. If I am struggling, I simply move towards beer or whiskey to cope with it. I am aware of the issue and I'm working on it. I feel like I need something back in my life, which is why I am looking to get back in as a reservist. The reserve recruiter contacts me almost every week so I am looking forward to getting back in touch with him now. I would never consider going back in if I felt I wasn't capable of doing my job, I feel as if I am more capable now than ever before and I feel it will also help me. Just typing this right now is making me feel optimistic and looking forward to the future. I have asked on another thread if my disability compensation will be an issue for me getting back in as a reservist, and I have done some research as well. All I have found is that my disability will be pro-rated, not counting the days that I am drilling obviously. I do not care about the money, I just want to be a part of it all again. Any insight or advice in this area would be greatly appreciated. Well that is my dragged out intro. Not gonna lie, it felt good! Thank you all for this forum, I am really looking forward to interacting with you all. Thank you all for your service.

Semper Fi

-Pete

 

[dutchiedelta]

Welcome here Big Pete.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Welcome Pete.
I too was in the Helmand Province.
Writing definitely helps!

Biggest thing I can say is what my Drill told me on Facebook when I was spiraling downward.
The booze only compounds all that shit and amplifies the depression.
Lots of information on here.
When I was two years out I was looking for anyway to get back, but I am barred from re-enlistment.
5 years out and I utilize cannabis and music. (Course your path will differ) If you go back in etc.
But cannabis and music for when you are through chillen stateside.

Black

 

[Grizzly]

Welcome.

 

[atilla]

Welcome home Pete.

 

[RTO]

A big Welcome.

 

[OldDoorGunner]

Welcome Pete, You found the best place to be. I am one of the old Nam farts and we have been playing with the f*cking Beast for a lot of years.......Lots of helpful info here in what the the Beast is about and how to deal with it. I am on this forum to try and help others, and in doing that that I help myself.....Hope you like to read, ;) We also have some good videos as well. If you need help or have a question, just ask. We will all do our best to help!!!!

J R

 

[BigBG]

Welcome!

 

[holdenmonty]

Welcome Pete you have found a safe place to share and to see that you aren't alone in your battle with "the beast"

 

[Jimmy1]

Welcome mate

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Welcome BP, just took my head out of my ass - been obsessed with the minutia of life.

You're among friends here Pete take a knee brother.

Semper Fi

Ba

 

[Spock]

Welcome Marine...don't read too much into your initial VA meetings. As we've written about in here before (you may not have seen those threads yet) those are claims processing interviews. Many folks get confused since they're talking to docs about their issues but therapy is not the purpose. If you want treatment than you need to specifically go back and seek it, get referred for it by a PCM there but I would seek other sources of group therapy and retreats first.

A buddy in my group, also was in the 'stan also hit his wife by accident during a "Tommy Taliban" flashback as he told it. It shattered him, he was the most gentle, soft spoken dude after that. I know the guilt will forever hurt him but that was 3 years ago when we were in recovery at Walter Reed together and now he is doing far better and still with his family.

As far as guilt, that is just part of the raw deal but you should take your 70%. You earned it. The "beast" (PTSD) is a permanent combat wound and it will roll over on you as your get older. You may learn to live with it but you need to give yourself credit, as in the pain and complications it will cost you over a lifetime, and not just you, there are secondary PTSD effects on those like your family.

I was AD, IRR, IMA and AGR which are basically all the different ways one can serve AD or Reserve. All I know is if you were not medically retired than you can likely go back on reserve status if the military deems you combat fit in your MOS/AFSC/NEC. SOCOM has an active program to get AD with PTSD back into the field because of the training investment but it is all about money to the military. If you are out than I would not do it. I would walk away and find a new path. Don't chase things you can't change. Use your training to continue new missions on the edges with other veterans or defense contractors.

IMHO, I'd take some time to myself, get into a solid therapy program, and learn some solid coping skills before stepping out into anything. You can't take care of anyone else (your spouse, your troops) until you take care of yourself first.

Peace