General What are they thinking?

[Snowflakes]

@Freida :hug:

 

[Sweetpea76]

Thank you for sharing so much @Freida.

 

[Sandstone]

But, he asked why? does a switch just flip in my brain and I'm all better on Feb 1st? Why not Feb 5th? Or Jan 31st? How the hell do I know?. It's just like this until it runs it's course ....Even after all this time I can't get him to understand it starts when it starts and it ends when it ends and if I'm very very lucky I can guess when it will be and try to prepare

I want to know why, too. My bad patch is looming. The end of March has always been terrible, but I don't know why. OH thinks it is an anniversary reaction to the still-birth, but I think hat happened because my body falls apart along with my mind at that stage of the year. The season of despair was there first. But why?

 

[Freida]

@Sandstone - January has been a problem for a long time but I thought I was just overreacting to some scary stuff that had happened along the way. I usually couldn't interact with people, hated going to work, felt like the world was caving in, had horrible unexplained pain, blah blah. It always seemed like my reactions were excessive and I had no idea why

Its only been in the last couple years of counseling that I've understood (remembered) what really happened. EMDR is a blessing/curse. It makes me remember details so I can let them go. But it makes me remember details and they have to be processed. My bible is The Body Keeps the Score and I keep going back and re reading it because it explains why I hurt so much from things I don't remember and how the things I do remember attach to the pain and fear.And why I get so out of control

For this 5 seconds I'm a bit calmer but I still can't stop shaking. I'm home alone and that's ok because I know I'm going to be mean and hateful to anyone who crosses my path even though I don't want to. I've even re-written this post 4 times so I don't sound like such a raving bitch. I just want to take it all out on someone -- to yell and scream and cry and break things and blame others for how I feel. I want to get in my car and just go. Leave everything behind - husband family friends dog...all of it. If they are not with me I won't have to remember. I won't have to keep fighting so f*cking hard to get past this crap. I can scream and cry and no one can be mad or worried or annoyed or whatere at me for upsetting them. No one will have expectations I can't meet because my brain wont stop screaming. I can have quiet without people looking at me sideways wondering what I'm going to do next.

if I can just convince myself that THEY are the problem I'll be ok. Then it's their fault I feel this way. They did something wrong. I can forget what happened and just take off. because I'm running away from them..not me.

It sucks so very much. I just have to hold my breath and keep reminding myself I'm safe

 

[Freida]

I want a divorce. Why? because i want one. I don't have to explain it. It's what I want. It's every stupid thing he has said or done over the last 23 years. It's every time I'm pissed at him for whatever it is he has done today, yesterday, 10 years ago. I would be much better off on my own. And god knows he would be better off without me.

I can't discuss it with him until Feb 15th because that is the date we agreed on last year in January. Hopefully I will change my mind by then.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

I can’t say I know what it’s all about @Freida. Maybe there’s way more to it than any of us could ever know or that you’d ever want to write here. I don’t know you very well, but Im getting to know me....I haven’t been with my SO for 23 years, but I hear my inner voice saying similar things now.
You know I’m fighting things now, like you are. And I can’t say that this will help cuz I don’t fuking know if it will. I don’t know much of anything right now because everything feels sick, demented, pains me, I don’t want to exist, I’m toxic. Stay away from me. But I’ve listened to so much you say, and it makes sense to me, its not me alone cuz you’re here. Just like you’re not alone.
I don’t know, but it hurts....and you don’t want to take them in there. Don’t want them looking at you worrying, wondering when you’ll come out of it. From the things you’ve said, I think it doesn’t matter to your hubby when you come out of it, he’ll be there. Anyways, not sure if this helps at all....and don’t want to piss you off.....so I’ll stop. Cuz I know how I am around this time, none of it makes sense.

 

[Freida]

@Warrior Chicken it makes perfect sense to me -- basically you wrote out everything I'm thinking!

this part is one huge change for me from earlier years....

its not me alone cuz you’re here. Just like you’re not alone.

this is the first time I've had so many people pulling for me and helping just by being there. Usually I scare the people around me off because they don't want to see me "like this". It's been so odd to have so much support here...and it has actually encouraged me to reach out (ok a teeny tiny bit) to others in my real life this time around.

And yea, I know hubby will be there when I get back, but as I get further down the rabbit hole it gets harder to see him as him and not just another problem to deal with... Which is why he refuses to talk about divorce in January......

 

[Freida]

Poor hubby ..... asked me last night if I would go to the grocery store and pick up a couple of things for him today ...and he included "if you feel ok."

yesterday was bad...last week was bad...whole month is bad. And I just can't do it. The idea of walking out of the house just overwhelms me. I feel like crap because hes going to come home from his 3rd 12 hour shift and have to go to the store. Why? cause I'm not able to get off the damn couch and the thought of interacting with people gives me a panic attack.

I know he's not going to be upset---he knows what a toll this month is taking on me. But still. I can't image the roles reversed because I know I probably wouldn't be that understanding. And there's no easy way out. I stay in and it upsets me because I want to help him out. Or I go out and it upsets me because I have to interact with humans. there is no "right" answer -- and both of them piss me off. Which means I'll be cranky when he gets home. And it won't have been anything he did or said. It will be me battling my demons -- and if I lose the battle he will be the collateral damage. again.

crap.

 

[LuckiLee]

At first I had to chuckle. You're in PTSD hell but you are posting here and giving great advice. Love it!

J obviously gets like this too. Some days he can sit in front of the tv all day. And I have no problem with that. Whatever he needs to get through the moment.

We have a to do list on the fridge. Nothing too crazy just a couple of things. When they get done they get done. He feels great when he can cross one off. He is more productive when he's up early and sticks to a schedule. Do a few things around the house if you can. You'll feel better after accomplishing something.

Don't beat yourself up too bad. It's January. XO

Hubby understands. And you can always say no I'm not up for that today.

 

[Freida]

You're in PTSD hell but you are posting here

Yea...I needed to check in with the supporter side to make sure it's ok.......I feel like crap/burden/pain in the ass -- y'know all that whiny ass ptsd stuff

 

[LuckiLee]

Yes. Yes I do!! Lol

You feel all those things but you're not those things. Hubby would be long gone if you were.

 

[Snowflakes]

Which means I'll be cranky when he gets home. And it won't have been anything he did or said. It will be me battling my demons -- and if I lose the battle he will be the collateral damage. again.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You’ll never know how much your post helped me today. :hug: