General What are they thinking?

[Freida]

whew! I actually did something right!

 

[Snowflakes]

@Freida This thread and your posts have made your perspective very valuable to me. I’m not sure how to phrase my question to you so if I screw it up, I’m sorry. My question is honest and comes from my heart.

It is my sense that you and your husband succeed because he is laid back and you both have developed a system that works. My questions are: When you’re having a bad day, is any of it directed towards your husband? It could be direct as in lashing out at him or indirect that you’re thinking of it. If not, in your opinion, why would a loved one lash out and make their supporter responsible and pay for the sins of what happened to them in the past? Why are these things not global? By that, I mean, why lash out at the spouse only and not the rest of the world?

I hope my questions make sense. My sufferer has been diagnosed with PTSD and is presently receiving meds and CBT therapy. I’ve been dealing with this for over 10 years. I don’t seem to have the peace your hubby seems to have and these questions are the ones that I’m wondering about. Again, I have learned to value your opinion. Thank you Freida.

 

[Freida]

When you’re having a bad day, is any of it directed towards your husband? It could be direct as in lashing out at him or indirect that you’re thinking of it.

yep. All the time. I am VERY lucky that hubby is very laid back and usually refuses to fight with me. It used to drive me nuts because I interpreted as he didn't care.

I think what saved us was that we did marriage counseling long before my ptsd diagnosis because I ran away from home. I was really pissed at him and it was the only way he could get me to agree to come back. We had let some stuff (which I now know was ptsd related) escalate until I decided to ghost. I think it was about our 10 year point.

One of the best things that I ever heard was when the counselor said that almost all married couples go through problems around the 7 year point. That helped tremendously because it made me feel like less of a freak. It wasn't easy but she helped us set ground rules for how we communicated and eventually it worked out. Those ground rules have been incredibility helpful over the last couple years as my therapy has ramped up

I usually don't know I'm lashing out until he points it out. He did that to me yesterday at the store. I had no idea I was having any issues, I just knew I wanted to leave. I didn't realize that I was being snippy with him until he made that bell comment. It's not always easy to hear and I'll often want to argue - but he wont engage. Makes me nuts -- nothing worse than spoiling for a fight and getting ignored! Before marriage counseling I would have kept pushing until I finally got him to engage. Now I know that's bad. I don't always like it, but...

I am REALLY bad at ignoring him when I'm stressed and I think that bothers him more than my yelling. He will be talking to me and I just check out. I'll have to ask him to repeat himself or admit I wasn't listening. Last night I even picked up my book and started to read it while he was talking. It's like he just disappears from my view. Although there are times when I just can't stand anyone talking to me -- so I might do the same thing if someone else was sitting next to me..... Why? I have no idea. It just happens.

Why do I lash out at him and not others? It's safe because I know he loves me and knows I'm trying to get better. I don't blame him for the past but I get so frustrated by the past that sometimes I just can't function and I get angry at anyone who crosses my path.

But even in lashing out there are rules -- like he gets to tell me I'm doing it and I have to acknowledge it. I think that might be biggest difference between our situation and yours. I don't get the luxury of losing whenever I want -- because I agreed not to. And sometimes it is really hard and it irritates me that I was part of the discussion that set those boundaries!

It might be something to bring up to your counselors -- how to learn to communicate as a couple. If you are like us, you have to learn the difference between random lashing out and having an issue that needs to be addressed. You might even have to use one of your therapists as a referee to get her to understand she doesn't get to use you as her personal pinata and to get you to understated that its ok to tell her you won't listen anymore.

Does that help?

 

[Snowflakes]

Does that help?

Yes, very much. Thank you so much Freida :hug:

 

[Louski]

whew! I actually did something right!

I think you do a lot of things right @Freida. It’s a pleasure getting to know you!

 

[Freida]

Thanks and back atcha!

 

[Freida]

@Snowflakes I talked with hubby a bit tonight on how I behave and he says I get very curt, sarcastic and snippy but not really mean. The biggest thing he notices is that I'm just totally checked out. Even when we are sitting together I'm not really here. And of course he has to be on constant watch that i dont take off

 

[Louski]

Hi @Freida, I also have a question or a comment that might require some insight. It has been 5 and a bit weeks since I spoke to my fiancé, but he has been text replying almost daily during that whole time. The replies are just in response to my messages. He says I’m ok, He has sent a few funny gifs or messages that are engaged in brief conversation or making a joke. At first he was also saying sorry and that he needed time and that he was feeling low, and then that he knows he had been crap and was sorry. Then 2 weeks ago he said he would call and then he didn’t ring when he said he would. I haven’t once pushed him or requested anything. Then he told me he was ill with a chest infection and it was all too much at the moment and that he has to travel for work and where he was going and that he was finding it really difficult. Recently he has only messaged when I sent him a message. Today I asked if he was ok because I hadn’t heard from him since Saturday. He replied, I’m ok don’t worry. I have now sent a message that was a bit more forthright and I am wondering if that was the right thing to do? I sent the following and I was hoping to get your take on it. I hope I didn’t make this too complicated or push him too far. This is what I sent. “It’s been a very long time since I have seen you in person, spoken to you or even had a conversation over text. I understand for you that it might not seem a long time, because you are in a fog that just won’t lift. I understand that likely you are trying to protect me from the nightmare you are facing on a daily basis at the moment just trying to keep afloat. I appreciate you are finding it difficult to express this to me and I’m sorry if I am putting words in your mouth, but I instinctively feel like I am on the right track here. You are my partner, I love you, and this hasn’t happened before to us, so I want to reiterate in case I haven’t been clear. I am not mad or upset at you in any way. I understand that you are going through something that has required you to isolate and that is ok babe. Given the last year this is not surprising. I want you to know that I am ok here, and I want you to be reassured that when you call me you are not going to be met with any emotional pressure, or questions you can’t answer. However I do think it is really important to take that first step back into communicating, so I wanted to let you know all this. It is safe to reach out I promise. I love you very much babe. Xx“

 

[Snowflakes]

I talked with hubby a bit tonight on how I behave

Freida, This is awesome. Your insight has helped me more than you know. Thank you :hug:

 

[Freida]

@Louski oh darling you have got to start using some line breaks in your posts!:)

A couple of questions... has he been diagnosed with ptsd? And is this time of year an anniversary for him? Or is this the first time hes isolated?

Isolation doesn't mean that I don't know my supporters are suffering along with me. It means I don't have the energy to care. I'm to busy just trying to make it thru the day. With that being said I like what you sent - but it may not register with him right now if hes foggy like I was. It's a lot to try to read and absorb and could be a bit overwhelming if he is just trying to get his head above water.

My relationships are always the first thing to go - mostly because it takes all my energy just to pretend I'm OK to the outside world. There is nothing left for anyone else in my l life. If I had to add a cold and traveling for work to my anniversary mess I would be completely and totally undone.

I understand for you that it might not seem a long time, because you are in a fog that just won’t lift.

My sense of time is totally shot during an anniversary. I just told hubby last night that I barely remember anything that has happened over the last 4 weeks. So while your comment about time was dead on - it might not get the reaction you wanted.

However I do think it is really important to take that first step back into communicating, so I wanted to let you know all this. It is safe to reach out I promise.

Yea...no. That first step doesn't come until the fog lifts. And that doesn't happen till it happens. I get that has to be confusing to supporters but..... Hubby still can't quite get his head around that for me its like a light switch -- suddenly I'm back. It still takes me a couple days to completely dig out - but at least I'm communicating again. I think the hard part is understanding its not that I don't want to communicate. It's that I can't. I don't really "see" him and even when I do the words just don't come. Until they do again.

such is life with ptsd.......

 

[Louski]

Wow! This is just awesome @Freida best feedback I could ask for. Sorry I sent that message from my phone! I will use line breaks from now on! :) thanks for the tip.

A couple of questions... has he been diagnosed with ptsd? And is this time of year an anniversary for him? Or is this the first time hes isolated?

1) yes he has been diagnosed with PTSD many years ago and we have talked about it at length in the past. He has been in therapy with the same therapist for many years, however I don’t know if he has been seeing her the last few months. Last time I spoke to him before Christmas he hadn’t, because he had missed a few appointments when he returned from the warzone and they told him as a result he had to wait a while before booking an appointment. This sent him into a bit of a tailspin. He has been in multiple warzones since the 90's. He is not a combat journalist per say, but close enough. The last year he has been in the middle east in the depths of a terrible war. He came home for good from that in November last year and has taken a new job here at home not in the same industry, but it is a very stressful job.

2) I believe it is an anniversary of sorts. He hates christmas so much and one of his parents died in late november the week before I met him 2 and a bit years ago. He was meant to spend christmas with me and my family but he went overseas for work on Christmas eve and then said he got drunk and missed his flight back and then couldnt get back in time. Since then he has been isolating.

Most of his family have passed so he struggles with that too. He loves my family but Christmas and other occasions where he is required and it is set are difficult for him. He is very good at showing up and surprising, but not so good when it is set in stone appointment.

3) it is the first time he has isolated in this manner that I know of. We were long distance, but it was never more than a few days without speaking or text conversation in the past and that was when he was in warzones so it was pretty understandable and probably not real isolation. This is the first time he has behaved in this manner. No calls at all and only texts that don't have much to them. I know he is trying his best, but of course even the most informed supporter has doubts creep in, especially as it has been so long.

Isolation doesn't mean that I don't know my supporters are suffering along with me. It means I don't have the energy to care. I'm to busy just trying to make it thru the day. With that being said I like what you sent - but it may not register with him right now if hes foggy like I was. It's a lot to try to read and absorb and could be a bit overwhelming if he is just trying to get his head above water.

My relationships are always the first thing to go - mostly because it takes all my energy just to pretend I'm OK to the outside world. There is nothing left for anyone else in my l life. If I had to add a cold and traveling for work to my anniversary mess I would be completely and totally undone

Wow this is so helpful and makes perfect sense. It is just such a relief to hear it said by someone else. All my friends and family just care about me so they all just want to make sure i am ok and I did know what i sent might be a little long and overwhelming so it's good to have that backed up. I won't send another long message till he gets out of the fog.

Yea...no. That first step doesn't come until the fog lifts. And that doesn't happen till it happens. I get that has to be confusing to supporters but..... Hubby still can't quite get his head around that for me its like a light switch -- suddenly I'm back. It still takes me a couple days to completely dig out - but at least I'm communicating again. I think the hard part is understanding its not that I don't want to communicate. It's that I can't. I don't really "see" him and even when I do the words just don't come. Until they do again.

This makes a lot of sense in context of all the other times he has probably slightly isolated and i didn't realise what that was. I take solace in the fact that he is still messaging me and he hasn't disappeared all together. We didn't fight or anything like that before he started isolating and he hasnt tried to break up with me or tell me not to contact him.

I cannot describe how so very useful and relieving this is to read and absorb. Thank you @Freida from the bottom of my heart! And I will promise to line break from now on! ;)

 

[Sighs]

When I want it to stop, and I think about how much relief it would be to put an end to it, that would set you free to live your life without this too.....I know I’m in deep. But I can’t ask you to pull me out.

@Warrior Chicken - as the daughter of a combat vet and the partner of a combat vet I need to tell you that this ^^^ is a supporter's greatest fear. My partner has said words to this effect so many times. I wish I could MAKE you and him understand that this would NOT free me at ALL. This would chain me in guilt and grief every moment for the rest of my life. I know that my partner's children would feel the same because I feel the same way about my dad. Please please know that. Hugs if you accept them.