General What are they thinking?

[Freida]

Went. It sucked. came home. Hubby asked stupid question about how I felt ...told him I was going to bed. Didn't scream at him. Yeah me.
How do I feel? Like my brain has exploded just like every week. Idiot. needs to leave me alone.

 

[gealach]

:hug: and support. And extra for when you need more.

 

[Freida]

I hate this. I hate what it does to me and what it makes me do to those around me. I hate not being able to communicate unless I scream or use sarcasm to scare you away. I hate that I can't think and want to be left alone when I know you just want to support me. I hate being so relieved you are not here right now to see me like this. I'm so tired of dealing with the memories of things that occurred so long ago and yet feel like they are happening right now. I'm afraid I won't be able to escape them and I will be trapped in them forever. In a place I can't bear for you to go.

 

[Sighs]

:hug: Freida. Thank you so much for sharing. It is an amazing insight for those of us struggling with what looks like "rejection" from our sufferers.

 

[Louski]

dearest @Freida, I second what @Sighs just wrote. What you share here, I see it as such a selfless act. I know it is hard when you feel like you are hurting your loved ones, but know you are also helping so many others and I am sure your loved ones would be thrilled to know that.

I know if my partner was doing what you are to help others i would be so proud of him. We are all here because we are touched by this horrid beast and this community can and will continue to work together to fight it in any way we can. Together. Even if that means at Times we cannot fight it together with our immediate IRL people, we can still make inroads.

You are an amazing person @Freida and I feel so lucky to know you even in this small way.

It is just such a relief to hear your thoughts, because on so many occasions I have watched my partner struggle so much to get out what he really wants to say and it is just so hard, and through your words I see now just how much of a struggle that is and you have enabled me to have more patience because I feel like I have a window into his soul.

Everything you say resonates and makes me think of all the times I saw my partner in what I thought was a whirlwind of selfishness when it actual fact he was locked in almost in his own thoughts and getting them out is simply not an option in the way he wants to do so.

I am so sorry you go through this @Freida. I can’t speak for others on the forum, but I am here and I am not going anywhere. If I can in a small way help you and others then at least this will feel like kicking goals, even if I can’t kick them in my own life just yet. Xx

 

[Freida]

@brokenEMT @Sighs @Louski thank you... I'm having a hard time pulling it together today and your encouragement really does help.

hubby was home for a while and I found myself in push/pull of...
give me a hug...stay away from me....hold my hand...stop touching me..tell me about your day...shut the f&&k up! All in the course of less than two hours. And now I feel bad because I know its not his fault...but I can't stop.

Even knowing I'm doing it --- and I've learned so much from you all about the effect it has --- I still can't make myself stop. i don't know what i want right now. I just want the memories to stop flooding me. Every time I close my eyes there it is. Every time I stop distracting myself there it is. I'm afraid to go to sleep because there it is.... and all I can do is wait. And hope it stops.

 

[gealach]

is there something you can do to distract yourself, at least temporarily?

holding something with texture? a smell? hot pack/cold pack? a netflix marathon (more Riverdale)?

 

[gealach]

do you have SD with you to help?

 

[Freida]

yep --- poor guy has been working his ass off today trying to distract me - he's exhausted. I hoped popping in here would help but it's been a bit triggery so back off to riverdale I go......

 

[gealach]

I hope your brain is able to settle tonight and give you a break, and some rest.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

I feel also @Freida, with you. Won’t be able to find words but am with you. Massive trigger from hell for me today. Hard to manage.

Lesson from this for supporters (trying here): can’t show you what I feel, very dangerous to me. Must control it at all costs even if pushing you away is best option because you see what causes anger, this makes me vulnerable to memories & feelings from memories, what makes me vulnerable can potentially trigger, what triggers makes me vulnerable. Trigger is hell. Survive.

So sorry.

 

[Freida]

Exactly what @Warrior Chicken said!

My T has told me that when sufferers hit that place language is the first thing your brain shuts down. it's called the Broca(?) Area and they don't know why it turns off but they can see it happening with an MRI.

I used to get so frustrated that I couldn't explain what I was thinking, couldn't answer questions coherently, felt like I was just babbling. And even when I thought I WAS making sense people just looked at me like I was speaking Chinese. I'm getting better at not adding to the problem by pushing myself too hard but it's still challenging.

Today is better. The intrusive thoughts are still banging around in my head but I feel like I can sort of function. I have my speech back...hopefully I can do some productive stuff to keep myself grounded