Just a quick update while it's on my mind....
Isolation - hubby's job.
Just had a shit week involving some things I could have lived my life without remembering. It took EVERYTHING I had to come home after the appointment, and I had to tell hubby to hide my keys. Which he didn't - because, well, dumbass. I was in an all out battle with myself not to take off. I kept reminding myself that hubby and I set rules (together in a non bad space) that I agreed to honor. But it was almost impossible to not take off
So I stayed in the house and drank just enough that I knew I wouldn't allow myself to drive. And ignored him. For the next 3 days. My brain was exploding. I was seeing monsters everywhere. No where was safe, even in my own home. Hubby knows better than to ask me how I'm feeling because I would end up screaming at him -- because I feel terrified and it's a stupid question. He knows better than to try to touch me because chances are high I will hit him. He knows to keep a physical distance and to keep his sentences short so I can process what he is saying -- if I choose to pay attention. He knows I may not pay attention and if he gets all butt hurt about it I'm truly not going to give a shit. At all. He knows not to ask me stupid questions like "what do you want for dinner?" or "what are you thinking about" or "why won't you talk to me" because it's just going to piss me off. Because - monsters. My entire brain is filled with monsters. There is no room left for him, or anyone else. Just monsters.
Luckily I was able to get some drugs from urgency care to put me to sleep and an emergency meet with my T and I finally got calmed down. I still have a ways to go to get completely back to earth but at least I'm headed that way.
I just got back on the forum and figured I'd put this here for supporters who feel .....well hell. I don't know what you feel when it happens. But I had never really realized that hubby has jobs when I'm like this. Mostly jobs of "don't do" but they are still things he does to help.
It's just not in a way that feels like helping --to him. But to me? Well -- I'm not in England (yea, there were some cheap flights this week and my credit card was just. right. there.) so he must have done something right. Even if it was doing nothing at all.
