General What are they thinking?

[NaeNae75]

Or is it simply impossible to accept those who love me will accept me when I'm losing my fight to my demons? Or maybe it's that's when the things I've done are strongest in my memory I know I won't be able to stop from taking it out on them. And yes, I know you all say its ok if I do - but it's not. So it adds a whole new level of stress to my life when I'm barely holding on to my sanity as it is....

Let me know when you figure it out! We can co-author a book! (Freida-Nae, instead of Frito Lay! Oh boy I'm a spaz for thinking that! )

When you used to try to leave your husband and he wouldn't leave, did that make you mad? Or did you appreciate it later? Would you have been hurt if he left(once not symotomatic)? I'm pretty good at coping with life when he's gone, but get tripped up with "does he really want me otherwise". You know... I guess really that's my part to deal with.

I kind of came to the conclusion last night that I do like myself now. In fact, I think I might actually be a heck of a catch. Like my self confidence is pretty good right now. So it stands to reason that since he's a pretty smart guy, he realizes it too. So when the time comes, if course he wants me, who wouldn't. In the not too distant past, I would have never been able to feel that way about myself. It sounds weird and cheesy even now, honestly. But it puts me in a better place to ride out the storm.

What things have meant the most to you that your hubby does or doesn't do?

But that there needs to be a third way to deal with this. If you can figure out what you can really honestly be OK enough with then that can be the start point. Maybe you can call it a made up term of your own. That way you dont have to deal with BreakUp and he can lesson his shame about not being what his moral code sees as required in a partner. Then you have rules for what can and cant happen when in that phase. It sounds like you presently dont put up boundaries of your own and as a result are left feeling powerless and abandoned.

You are absolutely correct! Hopefully we'll get to this place. I think we will, but it's going to take a lot of time and work. He's pretty amazing, so I'm just not willing to throw in the towel until... well I don't know if/ when. This stuff is no where near my deal breaker categories. This is him needing self preservation.

Since he's dedicated to therapy now, and he's trying to literally take time to clean up his life...I can give him time. I think he's let stuff get out of control, and he has to put back, regain it. He can't own it and use it for healing if I do it.
We're supposed to meet and chat in Wednesday. I'm not sure how much to say/ not say. Honestly for now I think he just needs to feel safe instead of "us" conversations. I want to see how he's feeling, but don't want to send him running for the hills either.
I see it as, well, we're soulmates. If that's the truth, we have a lifetime together so I don't need to be in a rush right now. That's hard to remember, though, when everyone around you is screaming for you not to waste your life...

 

[Freida]

(Freida-Nae, instead of Frito Lay! Oh boy I'm a spaz for thinking that! )

OHG You made me laugh so hard I snorted coffee out of my nose!

When you used to try to leave your husband and he wouldn't leave, did that make you mad? Or did you appreciate it later?

Honestly? Both. It was frustrating - but I have no idea why. Probably because I don't know what I want when I'm in that place

So it stands to reason that since he's a pretty smart guy, he realizes it too. So when the time comes, if course he wants me, who wouldn'

YES!!!! I think that confidence is what makes all the difference in the world. If I leave hubby I know he will be ok which will break my heart. But him not clinging to me and adding the pressure that I am the only thing that keeps him going is huge.

What things have meant the most to you that your hubby does or doesn't do?

hmmmm.. He lets me run. He worked out ground rules with me - which shows me he cares even when I don't. He lets me lose my mind and (usually) can understand it has nothing to do with him. He doesn't ask questions. --- ok. now that I type that it makes me wonder WTH I mean..... hmmm. He doesn't ask how I'm feeling when its obvious I'm stressed. Well -- he will ask if I'm upset at him or my ptsd - but that's it. He doen't need me to try to figure out what is upsetting me to make him feel better. He just lets it go. He might ask if I need anything, but no pressure to make him feel better about our relationship I guess? He gets that my brain is exploding so he might hold my hand but he doesn't try to fix it. He gets there is nothing to fix so there is no need to throw questions at me -- which just upsets me even more because I usually don't know. LOL maybe its that he ignores me when I'm like that?

If that's the truth, we have a lifetime together so I don't need to be in a rush right now. That's hard to remember, though, when everyone around you is screaming for you not to waste your life...

This!!!! is sooo huge! A lot of people don't understand our relationship and some have said they can't see why we put up with each other. But the ones who matter know that he is good for me - even if our situation looks a bit odd.

 

[NaeNae75]

OHG You made me laugh so hard I snorted coffee out of my nose!

Honestly? Both. It was frustrating - but I have no idea why. Probably because I don't know what I want when I'm in that place

YES!!!! I think that confidence is what makes all the difference in the world. If I leave hubby I know he will be ok which will break my heart. But him not clinging to me and adding the pressure that I am the only thing that keeps him going is huge.

hmmmm.. He lets me run. He worked out ground rules with me - which shows me he cares even when I don't. He lets me lose my mind and (usually) can understand it has nothing to do with him. He doesn't ask questions. --- ok. now that I type that it makes me wonder WTH I mean..... hmmm. He doesn't ask how I'm feeling when its obvious I'm stressed. Well -- he will ask if I'm upset at him or my ptsd - but that's it. He doen't need me to try to figure out what is upsetting me to make him feel better. He just lets it go. He might ask if I need anything, but no pressure to make him feel better about our relationship I guess? He gets that my brain is exploding so he might hold my hand but he doesn't try to fix it. He gets there is nothing to fix so there is no need to throw questions at me -- which just upsets me even more because I usually don't know. LOL maybe its that he ignores me when I'm like that?

This!!!! is sooo huge! A lot of people don't understand our relationship and some have said they can't see why we put up with each other. But the ones who matter know that he is good for me - even if our situation looks a bit odd.

Oh if there were only a love button instead of like! We are anything but conventional! I don't think conventional works for either of us. I'm always working towards getting everyone else to pound salt!

You have no idea how much you mean to me for just being you! Even if stuff goes south for some reason, I'm stronger for these interactions. Because it isn't just about him... it's about me being the best me I can be. I love him and want him in my life, but I'm relinquishing control (as least trying to... let's face it, the PTSD in me requires a certain level of control to feel safe). Every day I am trying to see myself as a work in progress.
Thank you, again... it means so much to me!

 

[Freida]

:hug: :hug:
you too to me!

 

[Freida]

@NaeNae75
I can't believe I didn't think of this before -- but under
Rules:
If I want a divorce I can say it once. Then I'm not allowed to bring it up for 60 days. If at the end of 60 days I still want one - we can proceed.

To date - by the time the 60 day comes by I've forgotten what I wanted a divorce for.

:laugh:

 

[NaeNae75]

@NaeNae75
I can't believe I didn't think of this before -- but under
Rules:
If I want a divorce I can say it once. Then I'm not allowed to bring it up for 60 days. If at the end of 60 days I still want one - we can proceed.

To date - by the time the 60 day comes by I've forgotten what I wanted a divorce for.

:laugh:

I'm glad you follow your "rules". ...he isn't always capable. So if/ when this is over, we will really need to reevaluate them.
It really seems like he's really run down this time. He's been very sweet in his communication, but it's littered with notions that he's exhausted. So I'm trying to be okay with what I'm getting from him for now, because he doesn't have any more to give.

I was left extremely anxious after my women's group again last night. It left me feeling more alone and misunderstood. Like on this thread, I feel normal, I guess. I feel accepted and healthy or stable for "being willing" to put my "romantic feelings" on hold while he's figuring stuff out.
I guess I say it this way, because he's still talking and interacting with me, but we're "broken up" and he told me he loves me but isn't sure he can be "in love" because he's "closed off". Well, I know this is his normal...so it's not that big of a deal to me. Usually.
So here's where the anxiety comes in, the exception, if you will. I'm fighting a war on all fronts. So with him, we all get what's going on so I'm not getting into that. But the "real world's" lack of comprehension is frustrating. The women in my support group last night just don't get it. I felt completely attacked - again. As I was trying to explain, I felt talked over, bullied, and dismissed. There was no trying to understand or empathy. I'm pretty pissed about it. This is supposed to be a group of women who are PTSD supporters and led by a woman that worked with vets as a career. How do none of them get it?
I felt so talked down to and made to feel like I was stupid or unhealthy for wanting to wait and see how this all plays out. I flat out told them I don't need to be forced into a "conventional" relationship, then it was "well you can make the rules for your own relationship, but it is a slippery slope to stay in contact with someone who broke up with you and is pushing you away... their toxic behavior can infect you and bring you down" and "His words are very clear that he wants to break up. He said he wasn't aware of any anniversary time. He seems pretty clear that he doesn't want to be with you." OUCH!
So, because he doesn't believe in anniversaries, doesn't mean it isn't true, especially when I have it in black and white. Yeah, I understand his words loud and clear. I'm not in denial that he feels this way right now. I know he might never come back. But his actions are mostly in line with OUR history. He's been opening up more and more...as usual. So why is it that they say, "he doesn't get to treat you like that and not be all in. It has to be 100% from both all the time to work." I don't think that's always true.
WTF?? Like, did you listen to anything else I said? Did you hear the part of how I'm doing pretty damn well with handling my other stuff? Did you hear the part where I talked about taking care of myself? I'm so angry right now. I'm considering taking to the "leader" ....and telling her, hey... this wasn't even a little okay.
So now I'm left with this pit in my stomach. I'm left with the thought I'm stupid and unhealthy for loving and waiting for a guy with PTSD that's at the beginning of his healing. I guy I've been with for almost 9 years. A man I'm completely in love with. I see way beyond his PTSD with him. It's in the foreground right now because he's symptomatic, but that's not always the case.
So now I'm second guessing if he loves me or is "really" breaking up because them telling me that is what's loudest in my head right now. It doesn't matter to them that he says exactly the same thing this time every year. It doesn't matter that we're taking and I see he's trying to get his stuff together. It doesn't matter that I feel confident in my ability to wait until he's feeling capable of being connected again. They called it abusive and unhealthy and suggest I'm codependent and "addicted" to him. Seriously? Am I crazy? To me, it's more being interdependent ...or independent. I mean, I don't feel like a victim...I don't feel neglected ...or that I can't live without him.
So now I'm right back to wondering if he ever lived me, or if that's the part that's fake. Like is now the time that is the truth? But if he wants me gone, why does he talk to me. Boy, I'm angry about this! I was doing fine... now I'm a mess. So much for "support"
Oh boy, I'm struggling... funny thing is, without going into details (that it was about him) I talked to K about feeling attacked and wanting to leave the group, and he was the for me.... yeah, he's a real loser, right? I'm going to have to call my T today... my I'm triggered and struggling.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

That women's group sounds crap and superficial and bossy and invalidating regarding your issue. :meh:

 

[EveHarrington]

So why is it that they say, "he doesn't get to treat you like that and not be all in. It has to be 100% from both all the time to work."

This is just rhetoric from a group of supporters who have been put through an emotional wringer, possibly abused, and are in full on defense mode imho.

What I quoted is never true in any relationship. Never do you ever have a relationship where both people are always putting in 100%. Relationships just don’t work that way.

 

[Freida]

It has to be 100% from both all the time to work." I don't think that's always true.

That is the stupidest thing I've heard in a long time. NO one could 100% into a relationship or anything else all the time ....ptsd or no ptsd. A relationship is about give and take, about being there when the other person is sad or sick or in a bad place. People who believe in this 100% crap have no idea how hard marriage can be. It's not about being great all the time. It's about how you handle it when it's not.

For better or worse, in sickness and health....they aren't suggestions. It's a commitment. Go back to those idiots and ask them....how many are still married? Because hubby and I are on year 24.....even with the challenges of ptsd. Are we better than them because of that? Nope. We are just more accepting of each other's flaws and understand that love is more than a demand of perfection

 

[NaeNae75]

I need a bit of time to process before I post more, but damn , do I love you guys and your insight!

 

[HopefulD]

@Freida WELL SAID :)

 

[HopefulD]

And another thing.....Once I joined a PTSD supporters group through Facebook. I too was made to feel like I should just run far and fast away from my vet because he hasn't sought help yet. I have big problems with this. First if you abandon someone who needs help and a caring support system how does that help? It doesn't. Second if not me being supportive then WHO? Why should I NOT be there with empathy and compassion. While also taking care of myself by setting boundaries. As long as you aren't enabling and you are setting boundaries and rules and upholding them, then what is the issue? I too feel as though if I am showing empathy and compassion for my vet and still leaving the door open to him then I'm wrong. I asked a general question about whether or not I should contact my vet since he had isolated and the answer I got was "only you know the answer to that question" WTF?!?! I deleted myself from the group shortly after that. I have found alot of support and direction from here and I'm very appreciative. Although I've set a hard boundary for him this last time, I still reach out to let him know I'm here when and if he's ready. I too think each relationship should be viewed as unique. Not everything is a one size fits all answer. That's what is so important about this site and the members. We all have experiences that are helpful to one another in these threads.