General What are they thinking?

[Freida]

First up -- go back and reread @LuckiLee post.
She's pretty much dead on.

Because at this point? It's not about him - it's about you.

This is the line we walk as supporters, when to be firm and when is silence coming from them truly suffering and in need of real help and kindness?

I think this was what @Sweetpea76 was talking about for a different thread, mostly because there are way more supporters over there who can talk about what to do in this place because they've been there. They may not have the answer but they understand the question. Why is that important? Because from my chair you are asking questions that don't really make sense. I know it hurts my supporters when i go dark but it doesn't stop me from doing it. I just try to be a bit more verbal about what I'm doing - not why. And that's taken 5 years of therapy and some smacks upside the head by supporters here to get me to that point

I texted 6 weeks ago to please express yes or no on whether he wanted to go our own ways, and he simply refuses to reply to anything even to break up with some grace. Yes or no, simple stuff....

uhmmm... ok. If I did this to hubby he would know I was gone. He and I just had a talk about this - when I end relationships because I think they are done. No drama, no angst. I just end them. He says that is not a "normal" thing :laugh:.

The idea of breaking up with grace? or the simple yes and no? They aint that simple. Silence usually is my answer If I don't want to talk to/see/text with someone I just dont. I think in my mixed up little brain that they will figure it out

I miss him without all this acting out but agree, without consistent counseling, he's probably going to continue to act like an insane person and hurt others, for sure me.

Yep. And if he does start counseling it's going to get way way worse.

I think the part that you are missing is this...I miss him without all this acting out There is no "him" without all the acting out. Sure, we can fake it for a while, but eventually our crazy spills out in one way or another. It's part of him, and it doesn't sound like it's a part he wants to change. The message you are sending is that you want the part of him that can be in a relationship - but don't want the part that is full of demons. It's a totally understandable wish -- but it's not reality.

How do I draw the line, protect myself and encourage a healthy him?

You don't.
You have to decide what you want in YOUR life. If you want a mixed up guy who is going to ghost for months on end, sometimes talk, sometimes not, sometimes act like things are fine, sometimes treat you like you are an inconvenience, sometimes up and move across the country? Then this is the relationship for you.
Because you can't save him and you can't change him.
You have to accept him for who he is - in the here and now. With all his flaws.
And honestly? I have no idea why you would want to do that.
He treats you like crap.
Does it really matter if it's because he has ptsd?
Because no matter the "why" the results are the same.
He treats you like crap

 

[Freida]

Sorry @Sweetpea76 I think I cross posted with you .....

 

[Sweetpea76]

It’s all good @Freida... this is a great thread, especially during the holly-frickin’-jolly season. You keeping your head up, girl?

 

[EveHarrington]

At 10 weeks I’d consider the relationship dead. Heck, at one week NC I’d consider it dead. But this is just me. Of course you have the right to your feelings.

 

[Freida]

It’s all good @Freida... this is a great thread, especially during the holly-frickin’-jolly season. You keeping your head up, girl?

going day by day -- it's starting but I'm holding the line for now. Havent been on any airline sites today so that's always a good sign! :laugh:

 

[WinterCricket]

Thank you all for your honest input, all appreciated, even the tough love. Wishing everyone a peaceful holiday...

 

[Freida]

well....this will probably just irritate the crapola outa y'all. :laugh:

T and I were talking about where I just walk away from people and don't look back. Y'know, that whole ghosting thing. Hubby says it is really disturbing to watch me do it because it seems like I don't even notice it's happening, and once it's done ---- it's done. No going back - not out of anger but out of ...meh.

So we were reviewing my most recent one, with a friend I walked away from a few years ago. We had been really close, but things went sideways and then I was just done dealing. T says it's a trust issue--and that I'm just blocking all of my feelings...blah blah

Then I said -- ya, but they let me walk away so they must be to blame too right? I mean, I'm usually the last person talking before I bail.

After a moment of stunned silence the following conversation ensued. :laugh:

t.... So you are telling me that you are mad that the people you ghost don't come after you?

me uhmmmm ya.??

t What would you do if they did?

me Well it would probably annoy me because I left which should imply I don't want contact

t - but you still want them to?

me - well ya, it would be nice to know they cared.

(Yes -- I can hear some heads banging on keyboards :laugh:)

t You do know you can't have it both ways ---right? You can't just walk away from people and then want them to follow you and then not wanting them to be there. It kinda doesn't work that way

me ...uhmm....and........ your point?

Luckily for my t our time ran out before I totally made her lose her mind.

Ya, ya, I can see how stupid this is -- but it also makes perfect sense. Yay - more therapy.

And you wonder why the whole ghosting thing is so confusing! :laugh:

 

[Tinyflame]

If I leave I leave for good too @frieda . Though I wouldn't necessarily want any contact, I suppose no contact solidifies in my mind I made the right decision, and one they preferred too.

 

[Ronin]

I think it makes perfect sense Frei.

Like, wtf am I that much nothing to you you won't even fight for me, us, and what we were?

Not entirely how I roll with leaving... but I can totally see the logic.

As there's soo clear showing care and loyalty and love and good will etc... in fighting. And is not about passive aggression or hissyfits - one of the lines I did sooo wrong in DV and mistaking drama for dedication.

It's the opposite thing.
About honesty and not manipulating, as it assumes there is a team worth saving. That you're not lying to or deceiving... Just told them your hard stances by the leave, that they need to work with and not around.

Vs a traitor / abuser, whatever - you want to stop dead in their tracks, I'm gone and out... don't even *try* to follow me mf... ghosting.

Different starting place.
Away and away from a long shitstorm that you still hope to sort like a team...
Vs done and finis. Where there is no back and never could be.

 

[Butterfly64]

This may come across as mean but here goes....

If I was in your situation @WinterCricket after 10 weeks of no contact I'd take it as he broke up with me and move on. It seems like he has. We deserve better.

I had to go through some of your older posts to familiarize myself with your situation and it seems he's been "isolating" the whole time you have been on the forum. A year.

He isn't even kind enough to answer any of your texts. Do you actually consider this a relationship? It's incredibly one sided.

He isn't ready to face his trauma so he is avoiding it with his career. This is HIS choice. You don't have to like it but you do have to accept it.

I know you're hurting but at this point you're hurting yourself by trying desperately to hold on. Why?

Good luck and I hope you find some way to let go.

(Take what works and leave the rest.)

I have to agree with this. I know sufferers are very different when it comes to ghosting...how long they ghost. My ex sufferer never dissapered for more than a week or two weeks, but he would contact me every few days.....just things like; how are you. I quickly learned not to contact him which actually made him contact me more often. If he had ghosted me for four months I would definitely try to move on for good....four months is a long time! And if he comes back....will he ghost one, two or four months again? That would be unbearable

 

[WinterCricket]

well....this will probably just irritate the crapola outa y'all. :laugh:

T and I were talking about where I just walk away from people and don't look back. Y'know, that whole ghosting thing. Hubby says it is really disturbing to watch me do it because it seems like I don't even notice it's happening, and once it's done ---- it's done. No going back - not out of anger but out of ...meh.

So we were reviewing my most recent one, with a friend I walked away from a few years ago. We had been really close, but things went sideways and then I was just done dealing. T says it's a trust issue--and that I'm just blocking all of my feelings...blah blah

Then I said -- ya, but they let me walk away so they must be to blame too right? I mean, I'm usually the last person talking before I bail.

After a moment of stunned silence the following conversation ensued. :laugh:

t.... So you are telling me that you are mad that the people you ghost don't come after you?

me uhmmmm ya.??

t What would you do if they did?

me Well it would probably annoy me because I left which should imply I don't want contact

t - but you still want them to?

me - well ya, it would be nice to know they cared.

(Yes -- I can hear some heads banging on keyboards :laugh:)

t You do know you can't have it both ways ---right? You can't just walk away from people and then want them to follow you and then not wanting them to be there. It kinda doesn't work that way

me ...uhmm....and........ your point?

Luckily for my t our time ran out before I totally made her lose her mind.

Ya, ya, I can see how stupid this is -- but it also makes perfect sense. Yay - more therapy.

And you wonder why the whole ghosting thing is so confusing! :laugh:

I just love you Freida. I don't fully know if I'm dealing with meh or "him" wanting someone as you say to keep confirming he's worth it. Marine's social page shows he's in deep trouble emotionally so I took the advice of my combat vet pal and have been pinging periodically via text during the holidays. Not drama, no demands or need for reply, just love, humor. I'm trying to live my life in the meantime, don't know if he'll be back or not, but it feels right to be kind, to try, even if all it does is save his life and not "us."

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Freida, @Tinyflame, and @Ronin, I have to ask for the supporters though... would somebody actually be able to fight hard enough to change your mind about leaving? After you’ve decided you cannot deal with said person and the stress/drama/feelings/whatevz that comes with them? Is there redemption?