Warning: bummer alert
I feel really really awful, and I am so alone. I haven't felt this bad in months. I have a lump in my throat and my chest just wants to fold in half, backwards against itself. It feels like someone I love died. Maybe it's me...except that's not someone I especially love.
There has been so much bad in my life and a lot of it is my own fault. I am always trying to do the right thing, it seems, but it's never turned out to be the right thing.
I wish I could start over and not be such an a**hole. There are many people who think I am, and looking at how so many things turned out, I really can see what they're talking about.
Especially with my son, apologies are not going to help, and I may never have the opportunity to change his low opinion of me now. I said stupid, inappropriate things when I had completely lost all hope, and he was just at a crucial age at which it was the very worst timing. Just when I start to feel a tiny bit hopeful, I am reminded that it's probably too late and he's never going to think well of me again.
Until he was 10 and my daughter was 12, I was so different. I thought I was a great mom. I read them stories every night and had the cutest little house for us, worked full time at something they were proud of me for. I took care of them, myself, our pets, the house and lawn; I took them to so many shows and picnics and fairs and parties, cooked, baked, held birthday parties, took them to our church every week, took my vacations so that they could have swimming lessons, took them to church family week camp every summer, taught (tried) them how to row and paddle; they saw me sing and perform in front of others...just so much more, and I loved being their mother more than anything I had ever done.
And then it all ended, and I don't think they even remember.
I'm crying and I can't talk myself into feeling better. I feel so horrible.
