Lost! Ive felt lost for over a decade now. I lost my identity.
Withdrawn! I just want to stay in bed and away from people.
Confused! I dont know how to return to the living world.
Useless! Unable to find purpose.
Happy for someone's negative biopsy, sad for another's that wasn't.
Tired of bodily fluids, sleepless nights, as*holes and anxiety. Tired of caregiving and families not my own. Tired of memories. Tired of struggling. Tired of being trapped; being scapegoated; of drunkenness, of insult, of fear, of pain. Of being told I'm an as*ole for saying I have no idea of what I *would* choose in 8 years in terms of miniscule pension of which they've pushed to increase it 5 more years anyway, and will with a change in gov't, when it's impossible to forecast the future, would involve losing 1/3, and I don't even know if I'll be dead, or homeless. Tired of being treated like a fool and told I can't count, with my own eyes. Even a horse can count to 10; how about just 'no', vs the 'rules are bent for others - go away' (gladly). All I asked for was honesty. No one does that who holds someone in even minimal regard. Tired of not doing what I knew better; tired of asking to be treated with respect.
I remembered out of the blue this morning of the person at work, not 30 min before & out of their earshot I was telling someone else how great they are.
I was thinking of how I thought in the other case it's ok to be vulnerable and pro-active because whatever answer is acceptable, because I presumed they would be honest.
So I feel hurt I guess. Foolish. Ashes in the mouth. Dumb. Naive. Trusted badly.
aggravated! my client is completely out of touch with reality. half a mind to throw my set off and tell him to do it himself then. but that's the f*cking rub. but mostly ive become reliant on my music and my headphones stopped working and nobody including two ITs could help me fix it but i just fixed it. when the problem is unsolvable it's usually human error. wrong input device as the ipd was mislabelled as speaker. so hopefully better after this.
That's what all those words mean, insulted = feels hurtful. Talked to like a fool = unsafety.
Oh well, enough said. I feel disappointed. Sad. Weary. Don't want any more of this.
ETA, then again 'feelings aren't facts'. So they say anyway. It makes me wonder why 'feelings' are important at all, if they're supposed to be ignored and invalidated/ discarded? Esp when they don't mean much to others, either?