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What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?

I'm feeling very confused and a little numb. Since my brother's suicide I've been crying nonstop, a few months now, but today as I'm looking back on everything that happened prior to that was very frustrating. I loved him so much, but he had to stop drinking and get help. Once he did he couldn't cope with life anymore and that's when he took his own life. Having been in the room where it happeded images are popping into my head when I don't want them to, but I'm getting PTSD therapy. But today I'm confused about things he did and I did...and after 30 years of alcoholism I was so worn out from it.
Today I feel defeated.
my chest is heavy with anxiety.
I have to force a confrontation.
I get to tell my mother that giving a child guilt and shame isn't something I will allow.
So this year we will not accept any presents.
And then I get to watch world war three begin on the guilt manipulation scale
This is turning out to be a fibro flare day for me. I hurt all over my body. But still, my mood is pretty good. I feel validated, empowered, trusted, supported, and loved.