Icon Nikon
Gold Member
With respest to my post late yesterday, I apologize. I had been "puking up" my recent traumas on my profile page mainly because 1) I had a friend on here who walked away because it was just all too much for her (I know, it is all too much for me as well), and 2) I had another friend on here call me a lier, seeking attention because they just couldn't believe all the losses and traumas that have occurred over the past 18 months. To be honest it is sometimes hard for me to grasp.
Anyhow, as things steadily declined and I got oh so frustrated typing on this handheld, I backed away and began venting on my profile page, just to get it outside of my own head and body. I didn't really know, and still don't, how to summarize all of it, because it's not just one incident that has landed me in such an isolated and low place, by the helplessness and hopelessness of the insanity of the culmination of events. It is absurd how I got here and yet I am here.
The forum is hard to follow on this device, and I am quite thin-skinned and scared to open up my wounds on here and risk being hurt. Besides, I often don't even know where or how to begin with just the recent event, let alone how they hit on the exposed nerves of past trauma, abuse, and neglect. I would however like to say thank you to everyone who just took my words in stride and extended me a hand or a warm embrace. There are indeed truly wonderful and caring people on here, and I know that for the most part those who hurt me were just doing the best they could and the hurt that I felt was mostly unintentionally.
I would like to respond to each of you personally, but I just can't at this moment. Right now I am waiting for a video of my struggling cat to "see what I see as his Mom". Cats can bounce back rather quickly if the right signs are noticed and lead to a solution. My Vet is wonderful and will come into the office if needed for me. She knows what I went through in August and how I gave that cat an extra four years because of something I saw at home, but that the normal Vet tests did not test for. I hope I can indeed see something that will help - he is only 5 years old.
So until I get the video I need to try to shutdown the tears and the overload of emotion. I need to block out the other families coming to see loved ones and stop focusing on myself. Otherwise I won't be present enough to see the video and to help my son in whatever form that takes. I need to be a Mom, a supporter not a sufferer.
I hope all of you will accept this tiny note of gratitude from me. And know that it is not enough but does come from my heart.
Thank you for showing me the spirit of this forum and those who choose to show up for others as much as for themselves. I hope to regain some balance soon be back to contributing (without such a sore and tired finger).
Hugs to all of you!
Alex
PS - The tumor surgery did require retracting my frontal lobe, increasing cranial pressure, messing with the optic nerve, screwing with my hormone levels, and overstimulating my brain from within. So I hope that is part of why I am so unstable and seeking a way out more than usual.
Anyhow, as things steadily declined and I got oh so frustrated typing on this handheld, I backed away and began venting on my profile page, just to get it outside of my own head and body. I didn't really know, and still don't, how to summarize all of it, because it's not just one incident that has landed me in such an isolated and low place, by the helplessness and hopelessness of the insanity of the culmination of events. It is absurd how I got here and yet I am here.
The forum is hard to follow on this device, and I am quite thin-skinned and scared to open up my wounds on here and risk being hurt. Besides, I often don't even know where or how to begin with just the recent event, let alone how they hit on the exposed nerves of past trauma, abuse, and neglect. I would however like to say thank you to everyone who just took my words in stride and extended me a hand or a warm embrace. There are indeed truly wonderful and caring people on here, and I know that for the most part those who hurt me were just doing the best they could and the hurt that I felt was mostly unintentionally.
I would like to respond to each of you personally, but I just can't at this moment. Right now I am waiting for a video of my struggling cat to "see what I see as his Mom". Cats can bounce back rather quickly if the right signs are noticed and lead to a solution. My Vet is wonderful and will come into the office if needed for me. She knows what I went through in August and how I gave that cat an extra four years because of something I saw at home, but that the normal Vet tests did not test for. I hope I can indeed see something that will help - he is only 5 years old.
So until I get the video I need to try to shutdown the tears and the overload of emotion. I need to block out the other families coming to see loved ones and stop focusing on myself. Otherwise I won't be present enough to see the video and to help my son in whatever form that takes. I need to be a Mom, a supporter not a sufferer.
I hope all of you will accept this tiny note of gratitude from me. And know that it is not enough but does come from my heart.
Thank you for showing me the spirit of this forum and those who choose to show up for others as much as for themselves. I hope to regain some balance soon be back to contributing (without such a sore and tired finger).
Hugs to all of you!
Alex
PS - The tumor surgery did require retracting my frontal lobe, increasing cranial pressure, messing with the optic nerve, screwing with my hormone levels, and overstimulating my brain from within. So I hope that is part of why I am so unstable and seeking a way out more than usual.
