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I don't know I feel empty and just numb today don't know why though. I thought I would go to the store today but forgot it was Christmas. Hope everyone has a great day no matter what your doing.
So grateful and relieved, so much more peaceful and fun than I expected it to be. Even got surprised by a photo birthday cake, cojoint with the dog's birthday lol.
And a funny thing- choked (EDS) but didn't need 911 lol. Bit mortifying but thankfully not in that company so much. And wasn't shamed for it.
I find it very hard to remember to take only really small bites and chew alot. I eat more like the puppy.
So so so relieved!!!!
Except, boy, do I have a lousy boss. Made it hard today, near-impossible tomorrow. Though someone not as crappy is supposed to let me know tomorrow.
Exhausted physically, mentally, spiritually. Very weary and tired. Not intent to hurt myself though I seem to have a lot of Suicidal Ideation at the moment. Guess that is pretty normal. This time of year is difficult for me. The 3rd is my sister's heavenly birthday. I am missing my family...big time. And looking back over my life I can't help but to wonder WTH is going on??? ....for real!
I feel numb. It's another year I'm doing my best to be optimistic. My T wants to start going though my childhood trama and I want to but just so scared to dig deep into it. I need to and I will but gosh how to start and not go crazy. I just want to start over. I don't know if I'm pushing people away or there the problems.
Overwhelmingly depressed. My sister betrayed me again at New Year, all I could do was block her calls, didn't sleep that night. Next night my neighbours decided to have an all night party, didn't sleep that night either.
Lost two pets over Christmas, and I'm really struggling to hang on.
It’s simply a consequence of remaining calm, and cool headed, today.
Or I’ll lean into it and raise a little bit o hell long coming.
But it will also pass. As long as I let it burn me alive from the inside out, first. As I will. As I’ve long given up any pretense of self respect, autonomy, or pride.
Pain, & pain, & pain. Burnt out. Never remembered. Never was.
I just feel like there is a dark hole in my stomach area were I store my emotions. I been trying to do what my T says Invision stuff but it works for a little and I'm back to feeling nothing. People say eating more helps I been eating a meal for the past week and nothing. Still no energy and I want to cut everyone off no matter who they are. I care for people but I don't care I don't have to talk to people and I can cut anyone out my life. It's just a mess that seems to never be fixed. I guess that is why I can't eat and my stomach hurts cause I'm storing other things in it.
I am doing much better since my last post in this thread. I feel happy and free, victorious, empowered, fortunate, enlightened, validated, reflective, and sane. A very nice change from when I last posted here.