Will I ever be able to not bottle feelings?
I ask myself this question all the time. And, I have to agree with you, Philippa, that I, too, can get some of it out, then I revert back to bottling again. I know that it does me more harm than good, but old habits die hard.
Right now, I am feeling rested after my 2 hour nap! Yesterday, my T and I talked about a memory that was kind-of difficult. It happened about 4 years ago. My daughter and I went to see my mom in California. One day my sister came over with my niece and nephew.
We were playing a card game and having a glass of wine when my sister says something very cold and snide to me (please, don't ask what it was because I don't remember).
I quietly excused myself from the room and went into my mom's room to cry. The next thing I know my sister trails in behind and sits on the bed. She pats the bed beside her and says in a syrupy sweet voice, "Come on, have a seat, what's wrong?" I went into the attached bathroom to get away from her.
I was still crying when I came out of the bathroom and she was still there. She asked me what was wrong, again, and I told her that I had nothing to say to her. Then, she started flinging all these false accusations at me and yelling. She quickly gathered her kids and left, but not before causing me extreme stress and anxiety.
And, to top it all off, when I went searching for my little girl I found her curled up in a ball on my mother's closet floor. I apologized to her for having had to hear that and see my aweful family behave that way. Bless her sweet little heart, she said, "Momma, it's not your fault!" Aren't kids just the most precious and sweet beings.
To end this saga, I went to the kitchen where my mom still sat at the table and I attempted to talk with her about what had happened. She didn't want to hear a single word I had to say. Boy, I cannot tell you how many memories this triggered and how aweful and sick to my stomach I felt. I wanted to scoop up my daughter and leave, but our flight was still a couple days away. So, I just pretended that all was well for my daughters sake.
I left there with the firm conviction that I would not return.
