I'm feeling pretty resigned about one thing, and therefore just a bit relieved. And I'm trying to avoid feeling guilty for the relief I feel, even though it is just a little bit of relief. Both of my kids (daughter, age 23 yrs and son, age 20 yrs) have left me feeling unneeded and therefore unwanted, so somewhat humiliated as well. It's a long story, which I will eventually get to in my diary here, but in brief, my daughter and I have been doing much better in the past 2 years, after a period of 6 years, during which she refused to talk with me. That was my "last straw" incident. Conversely, my son, who had always been very close with me, and who still stuck with me through my most difficult times, began 2 years ago, to distance himself from me. Since having seen me have a meltdown in June, has only seen me once.
The time I had with them until they were about 12 and 10, was the only happy time of my life, and being their mom was the best thing I ever did, and until then, I was a really good mother.
As I said, things have been better with my daughter but over the past 6 months, it seems to have stalled and drifted backwards. I've been continuing the effort, but not being agressive, however she recently told me that I was "pushing". My son doesn't call (he's away at college) and doesn't like for me to call or even text him.
Soooo...I QUIT! Really. I feel humiliated, chasing my own children. I took their numbers out of my phone so that I'm not tempted. I can't take any more rejection from them. They know I love them and that I want us to be more involved with one another, but it is not going to happen unless and until they want it. I tried to convince myself of this all along, but it wasn't until yesterday that I finally realized that I was just making myself unhappy.
So...that's how I'm feeling today; resigned, and a bit relieved. A little contradictory. :):confused::(
