Relationship What Can I Do?

[Rebecca12]

I didn't think it could get worse, but i was wrong. I previously posted about my sufferer's struggle, and got some great advice from everyone. I've opened up communication with him without getting angry, and it seemed to help a tiny bit. Recently, we had a great weekend together.

Then, huge surprise, I didn't hear from him for 4 days. After him repeatedly not acknowledging me, I contacted his mother to check on him. She told me that his dad, who's his best friend, has been diagnosed with cancer and has less than a year left, while she has just lost her job.

Since the diagnosis, my sufferer has shut down even more. His family needs his support, and are angry with him for seeming to not care enough about the situation. They say he's selfish. Every time I talk with his mom, she says that he's not good enough, she's angry for the way he's been treating me, and she's angry because he's acting childish by ignoring the problems. I feel terrible, because I know she says this stuff to his face which doesn't help with his "I'm not good enough mentality".

At his point, he's trying to sabotage his life. He already works almost 65/70 hours/week, and doesn't sleep more than 4 hours a night. Now he's getting another night job at a nightclub as a bouncer(terrible idea) where he'd work Friday, Sat, and possibly Sun. night, and then have to be at work all week at 5:30am. I've told him that I don't think it's a great idea, but that I supported his decision if he needed to try this out. He's shut out everyone he's close too except me, and that's just because I won't let him.

I don't know how to help him at this point. I've connected with his family, and am offering them support, but I'm very much in the middle. He's refusing to acknowledge that he needs help, and the whole situation is making his symptoms worse. His family are consumed with their own issues, so he has little, if any, support from them. I'm trying to drop my own insecurities and anger about the relationship so that I can fully help him, but what else can I do? I just have a gut feeling, everything is about to get a lot worse.

 

[blackswan]

There's a phrase I use a lot: you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

It's really REALLY frustrating but you can't make people do what they don't want to. The best we can do as supporters is create an environment where opportunities for change are possible, but ultimately if people don't take those opportunities that's down to them. However heartbreaking it is watching them fall.

It sounds like you really care and are really doing your absolute best to be supportive. Maybe now is an opportune time to take two steps back, catch your breath, and do what you can to prepare for and minimise the "lot worse" that you see brewing?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think its incredible that you want to be there to support him. Unfortunately you have to let him continue on the path that he has taken. He can't go on living like that indefinitely. Sadly, many sufferers (myself included) don't actually get help until we hit rock bottom. (Rock bottom varies from person to person.) If you try to "save" him before he realizes he needs to get help for himself, unfortunately you are just delaying the healing process (as oddly as that sounds) as the effort truly does need to come from him. Of course there are a few exceptions to this rule, being threats or harm to self or others.

His family sounds TOXIC to me. Again, until he can see how bad of an influence they are, there is nothing you can do to shield him from their nastiness. Maybe they wouldn't be so toxic if they could understand the very basics of PTSD, but it sounds like they don't even care to.

 

[Justmehere]

I deeply admire your heart to be there for him. It’s really a wonderful thing and I think all PTSD suffers would greatly benefits from having someone in their corner like you.

Then, huge surprise, I didn't hear from him for 4 days.

I can sense the exhaustion and frustration you have. Fighting PTSD symptoms is exhausting! Trying to connect with humans while also battling the major mental illness of PTSD is exhausting. If he had cancer and was struggling with symptoms of cancer and chemo, it would probably be easier for you and his family to understand why he needs so much time to regroup and recover after he expends the energy it takes for him to connect with a loved one.

In another thread, you said he wasn't getting treatment. Without treatment, you really can't expect him to change. And when he does finally get treatment, things will likely get worse before they get better.
I'm NOT saying it is ok for him to do. It isn't. Having PTSD isn't an excuse for being a jerk. There are much better ways he could manage his needs for space to re-group. At the same time, I think you are realizing that you expect him to be different when he is not even getting treatment.

After him repeatedly not acknowledging me, I contacted his mother to check on him. She told me that his dad, who's his best friend, has been diagnosed with cancer and has less than a year left, while she has just lost her job.

If you contacted his mother to find out if something happened to him, that seems ok. If she shared what she did with you out of her own alarm of trying to reach him, that's understandable. That's where the conversation with your boyfriend's mother should have stopped, unless the two of you were planning on arranging an intervention with a trained professional to help him get into treatment.

Every time I talk with his mom, she says that he's not good enough, she's angry for the way he's been treating me, and she's angry because he's acting childish by ignoring the problems. I feel terrible, because I know she says this stuff to his face which doesn't help with his "I'm not good enough mentality".

You are letting her triangulate you by letting her complain to you about him. This is not good relationship boundaries in general for you and his mother to be having these conversations. Even if you are defending him, once is enough. You should not be letting her continue to complain to you. Good relationships boundaries are essential to feeling safe and not overwhelmed (and shut down) when a loved one is battling PTSD.

If my family was going through a terrible crisis and I was losing my father/best friend was dying, and I was shutting down under the weight of it all, and then battling my own untreated PTSD symptoms, and my significant other starts having conversations with my mother where she complains about how awful I am, I would be even more shut down with my significant other and family too. I would feel even more incapable of handling it all too.

At his point, he's trying to sabotage his life. He already works almost 65/70 hours/week, and doesn't sleep more than 4 hours a night.

His workaholism is not likely done with some kind of knowing intent to sabatoge his life. It is very likely a way he is trying to manage the symptoms of his PTSD. It is an escape. It is a place where he probably feels useful and capable and like life is ordered and something he can handle.

He's shut out everyone he's close too except me, and that's just because I won't let him.

When I have really high PTSD symptoms, I can only handle so much human contact. I have a friend who once explained it’s like she only has 10 “spoons” (she had grabbed spoons from the kitchen to explain this to a family member.) Every day she starts off with 10 "spoons" that she can “spend” on connecting with other people. Most people have unlimited number of spoons. But with PTSD, it's not the case. Connecting to someone close to costs her more “spoons” than interacting with the clerk at the grocery store. Eventually, the spoons run out.

I think your effort to rescue him and not “let” him shut you out is well intended, but it may be backfiring a little. He may be using all his ability to connect with people close to him on you, because you are the only one not letting him have space, so then he has nothing left to connect with his family too.

I'm trying to drop my own insecurities and anger about the relationship so that I can fully help him, but what else can I do? I just have a gut feeling, everything is about to get a lot worse.

He probably has not hit his rock bottom yet. You have taken on the task of offering support to an entire family in crisis. That is a huge burden to bear. I think the best thing you can do right now is to get some professional support. Talk to hospice, talk to a counselor, talk to the professionals that your boyfriend is unwilling to talk to. Talk to them for support for you. Someone needs to be doing that and to be as resourced and supported as possible. You have the awareness and insight to see the problems, and the bravery to be reaching out here. I hope you keep reaching out here and also to the professional community that can support this struggling family and vet.

No one needs you to give up any more of your needs than you have. In your other thread, you describe that you have already stayed with him even after he answered the door with a gun to your head. How much worse does it need to get before YOU get help yourself? This is a perfect opportunity to be the example and ask for help for you to manage all of this. Please don't go this all alone like he is.

 

[Rebecca12]

Thank you all for the support, but I thought I'd let everyone know that I've just broken it off with him. I found out that he was turning to his ex-wife(who's in a very committed relationship) for support because she understands him and I'm too good of a person too be taken down by him. His ex-wife did horrible things during their marriage, and in high school she wasn't much better(we all went to school together). He's betrayed me in the worst way, and he's right that I do deserve better than him. At least now I know who he was turning too while I struggled to contact him for days at a time.

I feel stronger and such relief now that it's over. Maybe he'll get the help he needs one day.