What Do Flashbacks Look Like?

[swiz]

I've never really had a flashback around anyone before. I mean I have, but they haven't been aware of it. For the most part though when I have a flashback or feel as though I might have one, I isolate myself. Something in my brain tells me that if I can see/hear/feel that stuff, then so can everyone else around me because in that moment it is so so real. Obviously it's a difficult question to ask because unless someone has told you I don't imagine any of you really know what you do during a flashback either.

The reason I ask is because I'm very worried about having flashbacks during exposure sessions with my psychologist over the coming weeks. I'm worried that I'll say something I don't mean to or that I'll embarrass myself. Furthermore, I don't know if I'm aggressive or violent when I dissociate and the last thing I'd want to do is hurt someone.

Soo.... What does a flashback look like from the outside?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I had a flashback during EMDR...therapists are used to that.

Flashbacks are very different for me and everyone. Usually i pin myself against the wall like i used to be, feel the pain for days where it used to be, hide in the closet like i used to, hear them, see them, smell it all...all like im there...

 

[Stickler]

I get very stiff, very flat blank expression on my face, very closed off body posture...and I try to get somewhere that feels SAFE.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think this is different for everyone. Flashbacks are experienced differently from person to person, and the outward expression of a flashback varies, too.

I think that having your therapist see a flashback would be a good thing. He can see it for himself. It's a safe environment. He can then inform you as to your actions during a flashback. Any reply you get here will be a guess ranging from "there is no outward expression of my flashbacks" to "I become out of control and am at risk of hurting myself/others" (or even worse).

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

When I start to flashback, I get stiff and become catatonic. I will stay in the same position for 5+ minutes, which isn't normal for me, I'm constantly moving something. I look like I'm day dreaming at first then it's like I can feel myself start to shut down and crumble.

 

[Laverna]

I'd say with me, if it's mild-ish, It's usually a gradual feeling of numbness starting with my body, then moving inward to my other senses. I get stiff and tense in my jaw especially. I'll to some extent if it's not too far into it, respond to people talking to me and the like, though it's usually very short replies. A good portion of the time people talking to me will go in and out of my ears; I'll understand them one moment, then it sounds like gibberish. I'll be half on auto and half not, which tends to lead to the annoying confusion of 'how did I get here again'.

When it gets a bit worse, my entire body will go on autopilot, and I'll speak but I don't know what I'm saying, much less what the other person is saying. Or I'll begin the process of losing my ability to speak much like my autistic overload issues. I'll stiffen my jaw, neck, and my shoulders. I'll feel a tension in my muscles, though I don't always register it as 'painful'. I'll will start pulling my hair, grabbing at my arms, digging my nails into my arms, nail biting, rocking back and forth or pacing.

At it's worst, it's hard to tell it apart from my autistic meltdowns, doesn't help PTSD and my autistic shit often team up. I'll switch rapidly between completely dissociated to sorta-but-not-really-present. I'll scream, cry, sob, hit myself, punch my head, bite myself, might say incoherent or nonsensical words. (like reciting pieces of lyrics, or single word sentences) I'll often react violently to touch and push or shove, especially if someone's trying to move me or pull me. Forget trying to get me to walk on my own at this point, as I'll forget how to do even that. When the emotions become overwhelming I eventually dissociate and end up watching myself from the outside, and occasionally flick back to sorta-but-not-really-present before going back to spacy land. I'll often find myself later hiding in the bathroom, maybe a desk, under the bed, or under, say a sofa cushion later. I'm usually hiding in some fashion. Also may or may not come to with bruises on my arms/legs from hitting myself or bite marks from my teeth on my knuckles.

Afterwards, it's ridiculously easy to accidentally trigger my own sensory issues, and I'm at risk for autistic overload/meltdown if that didn't happen already. That or I end up crying myself to sleep and hitting myself.

 

[sun seeker]

It depends what the trauma was about. In a flashback we are usually somatically reenacting how we responded during the trauma, so it could involve repeatedly moving some part of your body, screaming, moaning, or... well, a lot of things, depending what your trauma was and what your favoured response is, i.e. do you fight? Flee? Freeze? All these would play out very differently. I could say what a flashback looks like for me, but I couldn't say what yours look like.

I'd bring up your concerns with your psychologist. You aren't going to be able to relax enough to do the work if you're worrying about whether she can handle it. Feeling safe is crucial.

 

[Sideways]

I'm another one of the Human Statue ilk.

Though, sometimes I'm guessing it's obvious that my head's elsewhere because I'll have tears streaming down my face that I don't wipe away (coz I don't realise they're there:eek:)

 

[Klo]

Not flashback specific, but I can become violent when triggered. The worst I have ever done was hit an ex-boyfriend in the head with a cereal bowl. If you are a very skilled MMA fighter then maybe warn your therapist, but otherwise you have nothing to worry about.

 

[Mafia_Science]

I guess for most people they freeze up or space out or something. For me, you wouldn't be able to tell anything abnormal was happening. I have flashbacks a lot, and I'm usually able to do the task at hand as if I weren't flashing back, like playing sports, taking a test, reading a book etc. It's just like a movie in the back of my head, kind of like a nagging song stuck in my head except way more troublesome.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I gasp for air and cry when it's really bad.

I also do things that I can't remember. I actually didn't know this until I had a flashback in front of an old therapist and they later told me about what I had done. I was horrified, but I guess it's better to know that to just assume that you sat there frozen when you were actually engaged in actions.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

For me it's so different at different times. But for the most part I would presume I just look frozen to the people around. When it was at it's worse(thankfully not for long) I used to lose track of bus stops, I would get triggered and be in the memory, staring in the air and then I would snap out of it and it would have passed longer time than it felt.
With my boyfriend we had a lot of moments, thank god he knows how to read me, because sometimes I would just freeze and I wouldn't at all be able to let him know what's happening. I "feel" the memory extremely vividly usually, I even get physical pain. I start breathing very shallow and also have crying outbursts...but not my normal crying but for hours. I think the worst of it though is feeling detached. It's like everything starts to seem far like through water afterwards, even when the memory is over, and I can't get out of that feeling. I would do things and go through my day, but it would be like I'm not there. Like moving through water, somehow surreal. I would know that I'm out of the memory and doing my day, but I would still be detached. Like everything is far and detached, and I'm in pain and I can't breathe, and even after the memory is done I am somehow stuck in it. Even after the flashback is over. It's like every scent, every detail, everything becomes so vivid for hours, days even, afterwards, and I can't be present. I also get very emotional after- sad or angry and just feels much harder to control myself.
Thankfully for the most part I am not very active physically when it happens. I know from my boyfriend that sometimes, when he tries to comfort me I stuggle a bit...but he is the one that managed to get me back few times, like, he would talk to me, and describe things from around us until he gets through to me and I "see" that it's him. I kicked him once, but that was in a nightmare about those things that I had, and thankfully only one time. He is a patient man, thankfully.
But still, I don't like being around anyone when it happens(not that I can control it always), because I dont like being that out of control of what I'll do...so if I feel something is somewhat triggering, I just go somewhere where I can be alone if that's an option, in case.