What Do I Do When There Is No Safe Help?

[bethinhfx]

I enjoy your writing; it's lyrical but I am having a hard time understanding the point you are bring to make. I think its difficult to get your needs met when you're a mom. I am not a mom. What are the issues exactly? Thanks.

 

[goingonhope]

Thank you bethinhfx.

Also, I had to look up the definition of lyrical.

As far as exact issues, out of time right now, but I will attempt again to go there.

And, it is helpful that you are having a hard time understanding my point, because this validates H's frustrations with me and allows me to increasingly cut him more slack.

 

[bethinhfx]

:)

 

[goingonhope]

I haven't gotten to specific issues yet. Left so, so, so very much out, if not all.

My mind won't go there yet again and when it has, it's either followed by lots and lots of lonesome tears which I can find quite triggering or followed by me spilling out chunks of the exact issues in Word, then dumping them in my computer files and forgetting I've done that, until times like now when I am too utterly exhausted.

The nature of the sudden, unexpected abuses all was far too confusing and overwhelming then, and now that it's erratic and lessened, I'm confused with this. And, though not nearly as overwhelming as before, still too much.

And, my memory with some things is shot to sh't so this makes forgiving easy.

It's hard to take care and get sleep when days I walk on eggshells, and I keep, keep remembering, and keep fearing a next time.

It's nearly 5am here, this loss of sleep is absurd along with how fast and strong this Ptsd upheaval has come on.

 

[bethinhfx]

I didn't mean details about abuse. I can't put pen to paper without getting very agitated. I just meant in terms of general stuff. I just had some flashbacks about sexual abuse that put me in shock for 2 weeks-- I have had to drop out of school and have an appointment on Tue with a T. I have done work over the years but this is new stuff. I came on here and its been very helpful. Its nice to know we are not alone! Peace.

 

[intothelight]

(((Hope)))

I am getting the feeling that a lot of this has to do with your relationships at home. Been facing the challenges of this myself and working on changing the dynamics. Problem is, it has felt like shifting sand.

The thing is, I realize that some family members cannot and should not be supporters. They can be siblings or husbands, but not supporters. In my case, my H is not my supporter. He is carrying too much hurt and resentment for when I was really, really suffering a PTSD breakdown to effectively deal with it.

Now that I am better, he is having a hard time letting go of the anger and resentment. Some days it feels like he is trying to undermine my efforts, but really he is just being a human. A hurt one at that.

Not sure if this helps as I really couldn't get a grasp of the whole issue. It just seems that you were finding a lack of support within your family unit. I find my support outside of my family unit (I am the supporter for my children) and my supporters are my friends. There are a lot more objective since they don't have the personal investment that my spouse does.

Take care and I hope you find the support you are looking for.
Deb

 

[Tinyflame]

I find there is support here, but little in real life.Though there can be exceptions to the rule, I am sure.

However Hope, you are very much loved here (and elsewhere, I am sure), and understood, and supported.
((((((Hugs)))))

 

[mamachick]

intothelight-you are so right, some family members cant be supporters. I do not know how you manage in a marraige without support though. I am single and it is tough, but I think it would be harder with a spouse that does not support.

My ex and I are trying to communicate and he see's me struggling and has offered many times to be helpful (although knows nothing) and doesnt seem to try to learn. He invited me to a party yesterday for st patty and I said no-was not feeling good. Asked if I wanted some company after the party. I texted him and said thank but need to just stay at home and wanted to be alone, was having headache, nausea, etc. I fell asleep on couch and woke up and was about to go to bed when dogs barking head off-about 1 am. I heard this faint tapping at door. I peeked out and it was him smiling as if I should be delighted.

I sat down and my legs were shaking and my heart fluttering and then I felt mad, then like crying, then mad that my body reacts to surprise this way. I have told him this before-I think he is just a jackass and I remember why we dont live together.

 

[goingonhope]

The second concurrent thing is radical self-care, eating, sleeping etc.

Also get away to places of peace, a park or some place safe to think. Work on stabalizing yourself.

I set out to attempt some of this and really succeeded for a couple days. I had attempted to post it here, but then I deleted it because I got flooded with shame and fear. Almost like a paranoia. And, fears of early memories and flashbacks coming to life, while thinking that one of you ladies might just correct me and inform me that doing it (self-care) and talking about it are two different things and that I ought to really just keep my f'n mouth shut or be ashamed for taking it too seriously.

Right now I hope it's ok to :giggle:, because I can't believe I really feared perhaps ladies about the forum were really gonna set me straight.

Anyhow, a couple days of self-care, and now at least a day or more of some extreme self-sacrifices.

It's so strange how self-sacrifice, feels far better here at home and far less lonesome and despicable, then does self-care. It's as if I hold a belief that self-care is some major betrayal and disloyalty, while self-sabotage and sacrifice is in demand and therefore must be especially loving.

Doing and supporting too much for other's back home while neglecting myself, as well as, engaging in due punishment is now far more worthy to me, while the other - pushing for self-care, I once again perceive and experience as shameful, selfish, disgraceful, narcisstic and wicked.

I've even been beating myself up for being so slow within this thread.

I feel terribly, terribly guilty. Now I can hear myself think, ...some things I am not suppose to talk about, what's wrong with me, don't I understand this.

As soon as I've figured that someone just cannot understand what I'd like to be able to say and can't possibly do so, (because I'm unable to say it), then I just give up and surrender to whomever believes what. I'd rather not defend what's what and like Junebug said, just choose to believe what I do in my mind, heart and soul.

But omg, this is sometimes horribly lonesome, empty feeling and maddening.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Hope, you can choose to believe it, and you have the right to feel it, and say it.
(((((((Hugs)))))

 

[goingonhope]

Wow, I just made a connection with the title of this thread and how literally true it is. There is NO SAFE HELP and never will be so long as I give up and self abandon.

Even when not self-abandoning, and the pushes/desires/demands, from every which direction, back here at/around home is fiercely communicating that I shape up, abandon and punish myself, I don't have to give away all my power and personal time, or else be certain that I'm wicked.

The power to regard oneself is good! And, so long as it is not more, nor less then the regard I hold for other's, (and balanced) then it remains good for me. Yet, if I fall and go to either extremes, then no amount of self-neglect, punishment and abandonment, is a viable solution to fixing and making anything right for anyone.

 

[goingonhope]

The power to regard oneself is good! And, so long as it is not more, nor less then the regard I hold for other's, (and balanced) then it remains good for me.

O.k. tommorrow morning setting out for radical balance in care, before anything else! So, I pick my beaten butt up and start practicing, seeking and finding this balance. My approach: "Seeking perfection in this, while knowing I'll never reach it."

Now this ought to be one of the hardest challenges ever for me.