What Do I Do When There Is No Safe Help?

[Nicolette]

My approach: "Seeking perfection in this, while knowing I'll never reach it."

Now this ought to be one of the hardest challenges ever for me.

I'm just wondering Hope if this is setting yourself up for failure - by trying to get to the top straight from the bottom? What about smaller goals and rewards along the way to keep you motivated? Again I read that you are pushing yourself by the words "hardest challenges" rather than being kinder to yourself with opportunities to strive towards... JMHO.

 

[mamachick]

You do not deserve punishment. You deserve all the good. You need reminded daily.. Life is not perfect but you deserve the best.

 

[intothelight]

intothelight-you are so right, some family members cant be supporters. I do not know how you manage in a marraige without support though. I am single and it is tough, but I think it would be harder with a spouse that does not support.

Bratt,

You raised a really good question. But the truth is, the relationship is damaged because of my isolation. When you (me) push someone away and shut them out for a year and a half, it is bound to cause some hurt. He tried to be there for me and I didn't let him. I didn't let anyone.

I learned a lot reading the supporters threads and isolation causes a lot of emotional and relationship damage. My real friends were a lot more understanding and forgiving. Friendships have picked up where they left off, before I fell apart. Not so much with my spouse, but that is the most intimate of relationships; and it suffered the most damage.

Even though I didn't do anything intentionally, the part I played in the relationship breakdown is what I have to recognize, take responsibility for, and work on changing. Right now our focus is on repairing a relationship. At this point he is my spouse and the relationship could not handle the extra burden of being a supporter.

So I spread the supporter part out among my friends. They each support me in different ways, but it works. But I am also working really, really hard on myself, so that I am healthy, happy, and standing on my own two feet again.

Hope,

By working on myself and healing, I am also helping my family and the relationships I have with them. The healthier I am, the healthier my family is. So what may seem self-centered or selfish, is really the PTSD talking. Getting better is better for everyone.

Deb

 

[712xx]

Hey goingonhope (and everyone), there really is safe help and it exists within yourself. There isn't anyone else who knows exactly where your inner struggles are coming from better than you.

I struggled with validation for a long time. I really wished there was someone who 'got it' and could give me what I so craved -- well, I used to think that I craved validation from others, and have them totally understand, and take steps in their behavior that would make things better. I thought it was them (the world) that was all messed up; and I was just born an antenna for all that negativity.

We have within ourself the power to find that safety and peace, and reject the negativity that others send our way. I was allowing my body to be that negativity antenna -- not on purpose, of course. I just didn't know how to stop accepting their bad behaviors and turning on myself and hating myself as well.

I want to be a source of positivity to the world, even when I feel the negative most of the time. It is precisely because of feeling so much of the negative – since I know how bad it feels – I don’t want to be a hypocrite and reflect the negative all back out to other people. Those of you who are afraid that self-care feels selfish -- I know what you are talking about! I thought that if I did all the things I needed to do to take care of myself, I'd be acting so selfishly that everyone is going to hate me even more; my antenna will overload with their hate.

I have this image of being a negativity collector (like a garbage landfill), and storing it all up and trying to figure out if I can turn the negative into a positive (like a quantum alchemist).

However, self-care was exactly the thing I needed most, because no one can sit in me and view things from my perspective (unless they have been through similar things in their life). Plus, when I am taking care of myself, and being my own best friend, it shows the world that I think I'm worthy of good things in life. When you are turning on yourself, it seems to invite others to think it is ok to disrespect you also.

Maybe it is easier for me to say that now, because I've cut everyone out of my personal life. It is easier to take care of myself when there is no one else around. I don't suggest that to be the specific answer for anyone here. This is just what I needed to do for me. We have to put our own oxygen mask on before you can help others. Sacrificing yourself will, in the end, cause you to be unable to be of any use to people.

Self-care, self-help, finding what you need to stay functioning (and one day, thriving), will make you stronger and able to be a beacon of positive hope for someone else.

 

[goingonhope]

Tonight has been the worst. Just the absolute worst.

 

[mamachick]

I am sorry goingonhope. You take a lot of responsiblity. Remember, it is ok to lean on others.
((((hugs))))

 

[712xx]

:unsure: I'm out of pennies for Well Wishing. Hmm, let me think ... do 4 leaf clovers work after St. Patrick's Day? Or am I thinking about the wearing white after Labor Day thing? I've never understood that fashion tid-bit. Wouldn't you be less prone to wearing white BEFORE labor day? I mean, being all big and bloated, ready to pop ... white would be the LAST color you'd wear, wouldn't it? You'd be much safer wearing it afterward. :rolleyes:

*Sigh* I'll keep thinking; there has to be a solution. No one should have to go around being miserable, without pennies, wearing white before labor, and not even having a 4 leaf clover to wish on. OH, dandilions! Wait ... I know they fit in somewhere. :oops: Ya blow and wish ... no, wait ... ya make a wish and blow. Dang it, that's birthday candles. This is gonna bother me. What do dandilions do? Maybe it is the same as birthday candles, except you can make tea with the stem afterward.

(Did I at least cheer you up at tiny bit? Sorry you are having such a hard time. :( )
--{@

 

[goingonhope]

There's no escape and I'm truly as good as dead. :ninja: I can't go on like this, and yet I've no choices. It's the :devilish: he wants destruction. He's arranged everything and I'm so absolutely stuck from all directions and horribly afraid.

I cry and cry and cry and now sleep and sleep. There's no sense. He's too powerful. :sick:..:cry:

:devilish: hates me and my family.

 

[goingonhope]

At moments of vulnerability, abuse tends to send me into a breakdown. A very hard one to figure but, did drive myself to the hospital last night as a desperate alternative. I was a mess. Walked up to the entrance and turned around and left. And, then there was arriving home. Omg.

 

[goingonhope]

(Did I at least cheer you up at tiny bit? Sorry you are having such a hard time. :( )--{@

No but you tried, so thank you 712xx.

And, hugs and thank you for being supportive.

The only reason it didn't cheer me I suppose is because the severely mentally ill people surrounding me while growing up, some regularly had these type of conversations with thin air or at me and others, and they weren't kidding, as were you. Instead they were finding deep meaning in all of it and it all made perfect sense to them.

Thank God, they were not blood relatives, and the one that was an uncle well the system had him on all sorts of psychotropics in a short enough time, since he was a kid and they'd started him on something for attention/learning and it and the system kind of just escalated destroying his brain and future for him. :(

 

[712xx]

I'm really sorry Hope. Don't give up. It does sooo suck; anything seems too much to bear. I have been there. Time will keep on going. If I gave up when I felt like nothing was worth the pain I was in, I would have missed out on that wonderful feeling of relief when things did get better.

I was 100% certain I'd never feel better. That is what the demons in your mind want you to feel. They lie and make you think nothing is ever going to be good again. It is a lie. Don't believe everything you think. I did start feeling better eventually, even when I was so sure I wouldn't. I know telling you this won't make you feel better, but maybe it will convince you not to give up. You don't have to go to the hospital. That never helped me either. It made me feel worse to be locked up like a prisoner.

I'm nobody special as far as the world goes. But I can say that I am glad I didn't give up. As horrible as I felt and as bleak as my future looked at the time -- right now, I am able to turn around and look back at that time. I feel really bad for that girl. It is like looking at someone else.

I've been in that kind of pain many times -- each time I wanted to give up. I specifically remember the last time, but I had been threw it so many times before, I knew the pain would end, because it had ended all those times before. I had experience. Let my experience help you now.

Let me be the person to tell you ... Hope, you have a future where you will feel better. You Will. Take care of yourself as if this body is someone else. Find your survival instinct, and make her your best friend. If you have an inner monologue, give her a name or label of some kind -- make her give you positive messages. This will pass. I know it is true. Let my pain and then later relief be proof you can get through it too. You are not by yourself. Keep posting, maybe it would help you stay connected to 'something' ... like a life line ... while time gets you to the better side of life.

--{@

 

[intothelight]

(((Hope))),

There are it seems :devilish: is attacking us from all sides and at all levels. I totally understand the feeling and actually I was there yesterday. But the thing is, that is when we need to reach out to God and give it all over to him. I find the greatest comfort in Bible and in prayer. When my brain has a chance to calm down, I start to feel the peace.

My prayer for you today is that you receive the "peace that surpasses all understanding".

Deb