What do you do with the pain of not wanting to exist?

[Teasel]

Yeah and purpose too

 

[Tinyflame]

Does it mean something like not being able to avoid the fact I lost my legs? (I haven't, just for eg)

Something about living with emotionally abusive ex, not functioning well enough to get the things done that need doing in order for me to be able to leave.

And running out of faith that it's worth bothering anyway.

It's anything that affects your heart & mind @berlinda , it does not have to be a comparison of the worst case scenario, or profound loss (limbs). But the loss can still be real, and still profound.

I know & understand the grief, loss and despair, and feelings of hopelessness and helplessness to alter. Am with you, even if I have a lack of words. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

@berlinda , I don't know if this is helpful, but I heard a saying, something like, ~'Don't change your course in times of desolation, from what you knew was right or true in times of consolation'.

:hug:

 

[Teasel]

@Tinyflame I'm sorry to worry you. I don't feel this way all of the time though I have often felt that way in the past few years.

I guess I'd like to work on what might help me when I feel this way hey :)

 

[Teasel]

What do others do with the pain of not wanting to exist?

 

[Justmehere]

I claim a purpose to get through the next few minutes/hours/days/months. Like some of the reasons people listed here: Why do you choose to stay alive?

 

[user27357]

I don't let myself get away with just thinking about the end of it, I think it all the way through to the real end of it, where my wife is alone, my kids have no father, my coworkers are troubled with "what if" questions, my home is in probate or just plain repo, someone has to take my clothes to the goodwill, some poor coroner has to deal with me at my worst, people on here wonder why I disappeared, my dogs wonder when I will come home.

I don't let myself off cheap. i make myself defend the thoughts. When someone makes an off hand comment that I find durogatory I want so much to make them defend it, explain it, stand behind it, but I know it is easier to just let it pass. When I think a dangerous thought it would be easier to just let it pass but this time it's me, not someone else. I can make myself defend it, explain it, stand behind it, and I do, with a high level of vigilance. I have made it uncomfortable to think that way again, and I find I am far less able to just toss out a cheap comment to myself like " I want this to end".

Make any sense? Being hard on yourself at a vulnerable, low point in your life seems like a bad thing to do but for me it is as close as I can get to the last 3 minutes of "its a wonderful life".

 

[Teasel]

Thanks @Justmehere I'll have to read the thread bit by bit. So far I only seem to be registering reasons people list not to kill themselves and I've no intention to kill myself. I grew up with a Mum who tried multiple times and failed. Though the last attempt did poison her enough to give her Lewis Body disease - a kind of dementia. And after a truly dreadful two years she did die, alone and frightened.

So, I have no intention of killing myself.

The other thing I can register from that thread is talking about the people in their lives they wouldn't want to hurt by killing themselves. I don't have any such people or pets, or intention to kill myself.

Thanks @enough I already have a large degree of realism regarding suicide attempts. And have no intentions to do so.

 

[Justmehere]

Ah, that totally makes sense. Maybe a better way to rephrase it isn't why don't you die, but finding a purpose to existing. This doesn't help everyone, but for me, it does. All the reasons for existing being painful tend to be an attention suck for my brain. I try to put any attention I can into positive reasons for my existence. It makes the fact that I exist less awful.

Example of how this works in another area: I hate working out. It hurts, it's uncomfortable, I rather be doing other things. Especially for my body with a condition that I have, it can be painful to the point of tears. I do it anyhow. Why? Because I have a goal that is bigger than my desire to not be in pain. Focusing on that goal not only helps me do the workout, it actually makes the workout more bearable. I counteract the pain with positives. Pain still there, but now positives are in my brain too.

For me, I was treated like I didn't exist as a kid. There are a lot of times where I don't want to die, but I would be fine with not existing. I apply a lot of skills to lessen the pain I'm in, but at the end of the day, the pain is still there. A lot like working out. One of my positive reasons that helps me with existence is knowing that the fact I still do exist means the bastards that tried to hurt me didn't ultimately win. Focusing on that makes existing more fun, not just painful. That's part of what I do with the pain of not wanting to existing.

 

[Teasel]

Thank you @Justmehere much appreciated. I shall have a good ponder on it :)

 

[Rani G2]

What do you do in that situation? Helpful or not.
Thanks.

Need radical Body changes. Temperature, cold water and Hot water, jumping in the park ( Usually when no one's looking) Pulse raising. Words Dont seem to cut through so its a lot about provoking senses.

 

[Teasel]

Things I can't avoid
Being me
Having the history I do
C-PTSD

Things I can avoid
Living with Mr (eventually, hopefully)
Bad coping techniques (with work)