General What Do You Get Out Of Your Relationship?

[monicaelise]

This is primarily a question for those of you who became involved with your partners after they were diagnosed, though I guess I do wonder why so many of supporters stay in their relationships as well. I read post after post about all the pain in these relationships, and I wonder whether there's something wrong with me for being apprehensive about re-involvement or continuing involvement. I can't help but wonder what it is the supporters are getting from these relationships. When I think of a partner that I want to commit to, I see someone I can trust in my mind.

When I say trust, I don't mean with issues of infidelity (although there are an alarming number of posts where that seems to be an issue as well). I mean the kind of trust you have when you're with someone who really has your back. While I was sick this past year, I realized that that's really what matters to me. I didn't need to be "looked after", but I realize now how much I need to know the people in my life aren't going to fall apart when things are going badly in my life. If you can't even count on someone to hold their poop together, not even take care of you, while you deal with the tumult in your life, how much of a partner can they really be?

I see posts from time to time about supporters loving their partners for their sense of humour, or their strength, but lots of people have a good sense of humour and how strong are they if they can't be depended upon in any real sense?

I'm sitting here at this strange crossroads, wondering whether to give things another shot...even if only on a superficial level (I'd be lying if I said the sex wasn't great, but I'm far too old for that to be enough)..and I find myself wondering what exactly is it that people who commit themselves to sufferers who come and go as they please, abuse them (verbally and emotionally), and just require a massive amount of care are getting from these relationships.

I'm especially interested in those relationships where the partner is actually present full-time. I know a lot of the relationships on here are long-distance or between people who actually spend very little time together (a week or less a month). While I can sort of understand the appeal of that sort of dynamic, I'm really curious about what those of you in relationships that involve daily face-to-face contact get out of your relationships. Doesn't sickness and health include your sickness and health as well?

 

[Leah123]

what it is the supporters are getting from these relationships.

I can tell you, my husband gets from the relationship with me is with a whole person, not just a "sufferer." I have weaknesses, but everything is blessing and bane, and I've forged many strengths from my traumas. Extra things I bring to the relationship are:

1. Loyalty- I'm deeply devoted to my husband for accepting me, being gentle with me through flashbacks and outbursts, etc. He has flaws too, as do we all, and yet I am loyal to him, permanently comitted, we will not be a divorced couple like so many because I will never take him for granted or forsake him.

2. 1. Excellent ability to cope with a crisis- I'm not fazed by crisis- PTSD means I'm used to those levels of adrenaline, fear, panic, etc. and I sail through real emergencies with flying colors where others can sometimes lose their grip or have to avoid the situation.

3. My ability to face and endure hardship- marriages and all long term relationships are likely to face some hardship. As a trauma survivor who's working through my issues and past, I'm not fazed by the hard work and commitment required to pull through hardships.

I could go on, but I am really hoping others will add on instead!

P.S. You mention "they can't be depended upon in any real sense" I would suggest that just describes the person you're with, that it is not a fair assessment of all folks with PTSD at all. There are a million reasons people can't be depended upon, certainly not just PTSD and none of those reasons really gives them a free pass to a good one-sided relationship.

 

[monicaelise]

P.S. You mention "they can't be depended upon in any real sense" I would suggest that just describes the person you're with, that it is not a fair assessment of all folks with PTSD at all. There are a million reasons people can't be depended upon, certainly not just PTSD and none of those reasons really gives them a free pass to a good one-sided relationship.

Actually, I was referring to the hundreds of posts I've seen here when I mentioned this aspect of PTSD relationships. It seems to be an unfortunate, but recurring, theme. The man I was... am.. involved with was far better than many of the cases I've seen here, but I still wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him lol! The issues I've pointed out are all themes I see on this board. Most of them I haven't had to deal with myself. My partner was never abusive in the least and actually was quite "present" up until the end.

I'm really hoping I might get some feedback from supporters/partners, as this is the boat I'm in and I am genuinely curious about how others justify staying in relationships where there is so little support for the supporter. As I'm sure you've seen, there are countless threads geared toward supporters going elsewhere (therapists/support groups) to deal with the draining effects of their partner's PTSD. With that in mind, I wonder why they stay and what they get out of the relationship.

 

[sisu]

I am not married to my sufferer, but we are in a committed long term relationship - together for 3 years. What I get out of the relationship with him is:

1) He is my best friend - we share our happy times, our sad times, our stressed times and whatever other times come our way. We are each others sounding board at times and constant support systems. For example, we are both single parents and when I question some parenting thing I just did I will ask his advice. He is so level headed non judgemental and he gives me his opinions which I very much appreciate. And I do the same.

2) He is much more structured than I am. I am so laid back that I am quite happy being a blob on the couch all weekend...he likes to do things, so this has forced me to be more active and explore new things with him. :p

3) My guy is very dependable - if he says he will be there, you better believe he will be there.

4) I was very ill one night while at his house - he was up all night with me, making sure I was okay. Ready to take me to the ER at a moments notice. He was very supportive and so kind during that situation and it made me feel very safe.

5) This man is an amazing father, so kind and loving to his children. And such a great son and brother to his family. He is inspiring to me and I really admire him for this trait.

I too could go on - but I am sure there are others that can give their reasons too. :)

 

[mixtapeheartache]

One issue to look into is codependency (this is apparent for me).

 

[Court]

Right now my justification for staying is remembering the man who loves me and can be happy. Our chaplain told me to view him this way especially right now during a deployment.

Some moments are great and sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and cry for days. I am working very hard on taking one day at a time and working on myself because honestly if there comes a day like some where my husband decides he really wants to be done I have to hold my head high and know I tried my best.

I personally can't turn my back right now because he is deployed and I try to not take any negative to heart. I want him to recieve the best help possible and I know he will need a support system together or not together.

 

[rightkindofme]

I know you want to hear from supporters, but my husband doesn't use the forum. When I ask him this question he tells me that he has never met anyone who is as committed to being a good mother as I am. He wanted to raise kids with me from as soon as he met me.

On a personal note (*ahem*) I think him growing up with an alarmingly abusive (probably schizophrenic) mother means that my fairly managed PTSD symptoms aren't that bad to him. And even though he is the person who takes the "brunt" of my acting out with symptoms we are both very clear that it is not ok for me to abuse him. When I have started crossing boundaries he spoke up firmly and decisively. He won't put up with a lot of what I read about here.

So I have PTSD but I get the impression I am very managed.

 

[nursenurse]

My guy said he could only offer me two things: his heart, and his word as a man. And that is what he has given me.

 

[monicaelise]

I'm happy to hear from anyone, I appreciate all of the input I can get. The reason I asked for input from supporters is that it seems that most of the supporters (I really don't like this term btw, it makes the person with PTSD sound so crippled) on this board are women who are dealing with partners who have some form of combat PTSD. This is the position I was, maybe am, in. When I read about the experiences of the women in a similar position, I find myself wondering why they stay.

For those who knew their partners prior to the diagnosis I can totally understand having made a commitment and seeing it through. I have the utmost respect for these women, though I personally probably wouldn't have the fortitude. I can also see why those in long distance relationships or "part-time" relationships would continue, as many of the men they're dealing with are extremely attentive in the beginning and there really is very little at stake when the relationship is totally online or just a few days of face-to-face contact a month.

Also I've noticed that the women who have PTSD from sexual abuse tend to exhibit very different behaviours than the men who are dealing with combat-related PTSD. When I read the posts here, I'm struck by the sheer cruelty and disregard that women often endure in their relationships with men who have combat-related PTSD. I can't understand why a person would stick with someone who, through no fault of their own, hurts them so regularly. Of course, I'm not saying that only men with combat PTSD do this or that all do it. It's just that the same stories seem to get posted over and over, and I wonder if perhaps I'm being a fool in even thinking that the person I've been involved with is any different. This is the main reason I asked for input from supporters. I would love to hear from male sufferers (especially former military) too.

I guess I'm just sort of sitting here trying to figure out what I can and can't deal with, and hearing from others about their experiences kind of helps me clarify things for myself a bit.

 

[monicaelise]

My guy said he could only offer me two things: his heart, and his word as a man. And that is what he has given me.

What about you and your needs? I commend you for finding this enough, but what will happen when you need him? Will his heart and his word be enough when you are sick, tired, broken, or human? This is what worries me.

Maybe I'm just too greedy. :(

 

[Hashi]

his heart, and his word as a man.

What does "his heart" mean to him/you? To me, a man's heart includes listening to me when I've had a bad day, accompanying me to a social event that's really important to me, going with me to the hospital and other things that are commonly issues in PTSD relationships.

(monicaelise, hope you don't mind me asking. I'm a sufferer but I also wonder about your questions here, and also see a general difference between female abuse survivor/male supporter relationships and male combat survivor/female supporter relationships, as described in posts here on the forum.)

 

[monicaelise]

I don't mind at all! I'm delighted to see people responding. I've been mulling over these issues for several weeks. I was very fortunate in many ways with the man I'm discussing here, but I don't know that I would ever have gotten involved with him in the first place if I'd known then all of the things that I've discovered in the past year and a half, since I first heard about PTSD. I know the man is not to blame for his condition, and he really has so many qualities that I truly adore, but I just don't know how much is "enough" to offset all of the heartache that comes with living with this kind of a disorder.