What Do You Look For In A Therapist?

[Chewie]

Good morning everyone -
I have seen multiple therapists in my life beginning in college. Each had their own methods and personalities and some I knew right off the bat that they were not going to be helpful to me and some took some time to decide that the sessions were bearing no fruit.

I am working with another therapist that advertises herself as a trauma specialist, with EMDR training, etc. Some days after session I feel very relieved and grateful that I chose her. Other days I feel like I was better when I came in than when I left, especially if she hits a nerve and I get triggered, etc.

Bottom line is I have difficulty saying whether or not the more painful meetings are actually helping me heal or if they are just exacerbating the problem.

So, I guess I am asking for everyone's input on what they have learned from their therapy experiences, good, bad, etc., as it may help me going forward to make more educated decisions about what the ultimate goals are for my therapy and when it would be most beneficial to walk away.

Thanks for listening.

 

[mrsmegan]

I would say that for me the absolutely most important thing was finding a therapist that I connected with and felt safe with and that their care for me was genuine.

It is because I feel safe, we click, and I know he truly cares that I have been able to withstand some really hard times during the therapy process where my T has hurt me, unintentionally. I also know and can appreciate that not all sessions are going to be "awesome" but can be honest when it doesn't or isn't going well.

All that to say that I have stuck with my therapist because he cares about me, in a very real way, has believed in me when things have been really hard, and gives me the safe space that I need.

 

[Muted]

Excellent question @Chewie . The older I have gotten the more I realize the importance of having the right therapist. I agree with @mrsmegan.

I can really relate to what you're feeling. I think having experienced multiple bad therapy experiences has enabled me to not only recognize, but very much appreciate a good therapist. I also think a good therapist can be a wrong fit for some people. It doesn't mean they're a bad therapist if they're the wrong fit. This is where the connection comes in, it's like a bond. It enables you both to more or less 'get' each other. It also allows you to feel heard by your T. and intune.

In addition, I think safety and trust as well as dependability are ALL absolutely vital. For example, if something unexpected and horrible happens after normal business hours will they be able help provide any emergency support or will you get their office answering machine referring you to the local hospital, which may be an additional trigger from past sources of trauma?

I don't think this is usually an issue unless something completely unexpected happens and/or you're working on deeply rooted issues. A trauma patient has to feel that safety and security to go to that level with their therapist. I disagree that a spouse, friend or parent can always be the one to provide that. The relationship between a therapist and client is unique.

Therapy can be a rollercoaster, it has it's ups and it's downs. I think it comes down to trusting your gut. The more you have of things listed above, the easier it is to have that blind faith, when things are difficult.

Another aspect that I think can come up, is if you have 'parts' or 'alters' reacting. Even if you are aware of this, they may keep you away if they get triggered badly enough and there wasn't the needed safety to fall back on.

Therapy can bring you to the most vulnerable of places emotionally, especially if it's getting somewhere. This means it often takes more trust that any other relationship a person may have previously had, it's emotionally intimate yet your paying them for that, so it's weird too.

I don't know if this helps at all, but this is just my opinion and how I see things.

 

[Chewie]

Thanks @mrsmegan and @Gia1019 , your comments are very helpful and I will take them to heart.

 

[Deleted member 37343]

I think it can also depend on personal preference. I prefer one that is a bit more intimate. One that sits close to me and there's an actual sense of connection. My first therapist was horrible, in my opinion, and it didn't help that I didn't even want to go to therapy.

My first therapist had an office like room, would sit across from me about.. 5-7 feet away and just look at me, waiting for me to respond. Firstly, eye contact just makes me uncomfortable and nervous, unless I genuinely like you(such as my best friend) I will try to look you in the eyes before I absolutely can't handle it and look away.. then I try again. But with this therapist, she had a fake half smile and dead stare. it was like we were having a showdown.. her and I quiet, sitting there, with her looking at me and me looking around the room getting more and more antsy. There were whole sessions where we just sat there doing NOTHING. It ticked me off... anyways.

Now the therapist I'm currently with, I enjoy. She sits next to me diagonally, (On a different sofa.. oh and she actually has soft chairs, sofas, pillows and blankets unlike my first.) It's very bright(natural sunlight bright but not too bright)and comfy/homey in my current therapist's place, which helps me be a bit more relaxed. When I'm silent, she'll ask me why or she'll talk to get me to respond in some way. She works me through it (unlike my past therapist.....) and sometimes my therapist and I can have casual talk and laugh which I believe helps release stress and tension or awkwardness.

I have a rather morbid sense of humour which I found can help when I'm having bad intrusive thoughts(though it's not guaranteed) and the first day I met with my current therapist I just threw a random morbid "joke" and said something ridiculous like, "I rode a whale here today. The buses weren't working but good thing some whales can fly." And she now responds to me with, "You know what, I decided to try and ride a giant fish here too! A little bit wet but I got here."

She knows how to adjust herself to her client, I'm assuming. I don't know any of her other clients, but that's what she seems like. I enjoy that although I do have problems, she's also able to take light when I joke about things like hallucinations and delusions. (Not that's not a serious topic. I usually only joke about my own experiences.) It also helps that she's right there talking me through things since when I am quiet, the longer the silence goes on, the harder it'll be for me to get out and speak or to feel any less uncomfortable.

So to recap, I think it depends on personal preference, whether if you want your therapy session to be strictly professional, or if you want a bit of comfort and sense of relaxation/safety during your sessions. This is what I've found that works best for me and have done better already in less than half of the time I spent with my first therapist.

 

[bring em all in]

I can relate to your feeling better after some sessions and worse after others. I think both can be evidence of progress (how's that for an ambivalent answer?) As for qualities in therapist, I think it varies but there are some common denominators:
One that makes a connection without enmeshing themselves with you.
One that respects your boundaries but knows when to give you a nudge.
One that validates your experiences and your feelings- but also encourages you to gain different perspectives at times.

I've found that the best therapists I've had also had a common interest with me. With my current therapist it is Buddhism, and she can relate certain Buddhist concepts and practices into our discussions of my issues without being preachy or talking down to me.

I hope at least some of this helps!

 

[Jordash]

After researching and seeing a therapist for four months if you don't think you have the best therapist in the world keep looking. I had no idea I had a choice in who my therapist was....I guess I was lucky because every other therapist in the clinic I go to either creeps me out or pisses me off. My favorite things about her would be her empathy and allowing herself to be vulnerable. She's the only person to EVER snap me out of it when I dissociate.

 

[Chewie]

Hey @Nimali, @bring em all in, @Jordash,
thanks so much for the feedback/replies. It is very helpful and means a lot to me that you are willing to share your experiences.

 

[bring em all in]

Jordash wrote: "She's the only person to EVER snap me out of it when I dissociate." I second that!!! I opened up to my therapist this week with things I've never told anyone, and I felt dizzy and faint, like I was floating away. My therapist was very assuring and "brought me back" with grounding breathing work. She also was non-judgmental when I told her my deepest, darkest things I hate about myself.