Relationship What Does "i'm Feeling Bad" Mean To You???

[Friday]

Try imagining it like have explosive diarrhea. How much do you really want a great big hug, a long conversation, or for someone to start sucking on your nipples, while you're sitting on the toilet shitting your guts out?

 

[Deleted member 38137]

Try imagining it like have explosive diarrhea. How much do you really want a great big hug, a long conve...

Lol. That's great :)

 

[MisterCatLady]

Try imagining it like have explosive diarrhea. How much do you really want a great big hug, a long conve...

This is the best analogy I've ever seen.

 

[joeylittle]

I work 55 hours a week so I'm really not around him that often.

Does that mean that when you are with him, you have an inner expectation/desire that he be able to focus on you and the relationship? Sometimes, that can create a subconscious pressure for the busier person (you) - that you want the time with him to be good more than bad, and you want to count on it being there, since you can't just drop everything to be there when he's feeling better.

I think everyone is different. I wish he would talk.

Sometimes, getting someone to talk has to do with making the space for it. Being companionably silent with someone can make it easier for them to talk, more than prompting them to talk, or even making it a topic.

It just frightens me because I think the longer we have been together, the more "bad" times he's having. I'm wondering if he was hiding it better before. Or maybe not. Maybe it's just gotten worse. I don't know.

It also might be that the longer you are together, the more comfortable he is and the less he's hiding.

Are you thinking long-term with this guy? Remind me, how long have you been dating? And you still have your own place, yeah?

 

[Deleted member 38137]

Does that mean that when you are with him, you have an inner expectation/desire that he be able to f...

No, not really. I'm pretty independent. I do like attention when I'm there. But I also will go curl up on the bed or on the couch and read a book. Or go take a bath. I really don't have a lot of "me" time so I'm straight with kinda just laying around by myself. And, yes, I would like to think that having someone around him might calm him from his own thoughts sometimes. I think it does at times.

And I'm not sure about the long term. I do really like him and have feelings for him. It's just sometimes the issues seem a little odd. I wish he would get counseling but as a recovering co-dependent, I know that he needs to decide that for himself. I have brought it up a few times and he's resistant. I know that no amount of urging or nagging will bring him to that decision. He has to do it for himself. So I've pretty much left it alone.

We have been dating since the end of July...so five months or so.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I'd assume it can mean anything, I find that people have their own ways of expressing how they're feeling, if you can find out specifically what he means, fantastic, but for now I'd take a wide birth and let him "feel bad". At the moment my SO feels I betrayed her and has told me she needs to process how she's feeling so I am just politely checking in and that's about it for now, they've got to work through these things themselves.

 

[ForgotToLive]

I kinda think this might be different depending on if your Vet has PTSD or C-PTSD. The following perspective is from someone who has C-PTSD.

When my husband walks into a room and reads my body language as rigid, my face as tense and anxious, observes that my answers are monotone and include very few words, and sees that I'm avoiding eye contact.... if he makes any inquiry at all he might say "what's wrong?". If so, typically a pregnant pause develops while I'm trying to process what he's even really asking and additionally it takes a moment to form an "appropriate" response... (meaning rational) The only thing that seems to be honest but non-inviting of further conversation is to say "I don't feel good". Typically he offers a sympathetic half smile and just grabs his computer or a book and walks into another room for the foreseeable future. This is one reason we have been together 22 years... That works for me.

What you are probably asking is what is going on inside that compels the person to say so little... It is difficult to articulate an answer because when you are in it your brain is whirling in an ocean of confused and anxious freight/flight/fight emotions... a jumbled kind of anxiety fueled confusion, and thus by definition the person can't seem to be objective about what would help them out. They are just focused on not losing their shit and that alone is taking all they've got.

For me what it means is that various thoughts which give me anxiety have been ruminating and building up for a while. (typically things I feel pressure to do or else financial pressures or other fear and inadequacy triggers) These feelings have most likely been building up for a day or two, and by the time it starts to become visible to the outside world is only after it's already escalated and compounded inside. Each new bad thought is further compounding the anxiety caused by the last one. No ability to reset between the bad thoughts. Plus they link... One bad thought will just jump to another one which is only very barely related. I am aware I'm losing it and I'm trying to do something to stop it... ignore/deny, eat, put on the TV, pace, try to act normal... but nothing much helps stop the panic or anger from building so then the desire to isolate myself becomes HUGE. I can't stop being a certain way but at least I can try to stop anyone from seeing me lose it... avoid humiliation...

At this point my ability to take on any new demands is gone. So if you as an outsider walks in now asking me anything at all... (am I okay, what can you do, am I hungry, etc) well that's a new demand on me plus I know I'm supposed to respond in a rational way and contort my face to appear relaxed which makes the demand much bigger...

So at this point ANY question or request put upon me is bound to agitate me so communication or acting normal is just likely going to end badly... in a way I'm undoubtedly going to feel really embarrassed about tomorrow. So it's just better if there is no pressure to respond or do normal things (like go out to dinner)... Less to feel bad about and apologize for later. But lashing out is probably all I can do.

What does help besides leaving is telling me a distracting story... Don't ask questions... none at all... just talk about something very light... pretend I'm not obviously being weird... calm distractions will relax me... then after I'm not feeling threatened by you because I can tell you are recognizing my state of mind and are "handling" me correctly, then you can start to say things like "so today was a bad day, huh?"... things I can just say "yeah" to. Chances are by then I can cry and let you hold me. But I don't want you to touch me at all before I fully feel safe in that you understand that I'm experiencing irrational fear and anxiety.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

I kinda think this might be different depending on if your Vet has PTSD or C-PTSD. The following p...

I honestly don't know what kind of PTSD the Vet has because they didn't diagnose him with it at the VA. Naturally.

This is about the extent of what I know. He spent 7 months in Iraq during the second battle of Fallujah. Obviously, he's killed several people and lots of dogs. He's got apocalyptic thoughts and hoards weapons and "gear" which can be in the form of anything from cargo pants to food. He can go DAYS without leaving the house. He chain smokes but he rolls his own cigarettes so even that doesn't give him a reason to go out. He attends school but has a tendency to blow off classes if he's "not feeling well". He's in chronic pain due to injuries from battle. He's on Effexor, Vicodin and Lyrica. He does have friends but they mostly call. I've never met anybody even though I'll be there for days at times.

So what kind of PTSD does he have??? You've got me. I'm confused because sometimes he acts like I'm walking around in his clothes with him instead of working my ass off and I have few waking hours to actually see him. We do three things together. Sleep, have sex and cook. That's about it. We also go to Lowe's (AKA Target for Boys) to spend money on his never ending list of projects.

We do not live together so I usually only see him 1-3 nights a week. Again, he acts like I'm up his booty hole.

Currently, last communication I had with him was the "I'm feeling bad" thing and no word as of yet today. I called twice several hours apart just to check in. No response.

You know more about this than I do. What do you think???

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I honestly don't know what kind of PTSD the Vet has because they didn't diagnose him with...

I have p.c.ptsd and I lived with my dad (20 yr. Pearl Harbor undiagosed/untreated vet) for many years. And dad's moods ran the gamut. He was in for 20 yrs. and after coming home; he nightmared about war, death, Pearl Harbor, killing,and hands coming out of the water for him to save his battle buddies, that most all perished on the USS Arizona.

When I am "feeling bad" (and many vets as in my dad's case could not ID his/their feelings to anyone so this is good that your vet can say that he's feeling bad) That said, dad killed people while defending our country just like your vet, and only once did dad in my entire lifetime ever say, "I've done terrible things. I've done terrible things." He said it twice and then he snapped back into numbness and emotionless dad and that's been the only speaking he did about his war wounds (other than admission about his re-occurring battle nightmares all throughout his entire 84 years of living.

My dad was extremely violent, and an alcoholic. He was also giving and caring (oh, such a dichotomy) and he would switch back and forth so quickly. And he was unable to communicate his feelings on any level to me or anyone else except in his many, many, many states of rage that I usually took the full mental, emotional, verbal and physical brunt of these violent rage events.

Me, being dx'd with what my dad gifted me with - pro. com. ptsd I have had years of counseling ( talk therapy which did little if anything to help me deal with nightmares, social, and private personal exasperating issues) and now finally I am in EMDR Therapy. And it is helping me with pro. comp. ptsd symptoms. I wish you well in your relationship with your vet. For me, we ptsd dx'd people speak a foreign language and our language is spoken very well with great clarity here. Welcome and I hope you learn all you can about your vet on this amazing forum. JadesJewel.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

Some people have problems with what our Vets have had to do. It's WAR. It's kill or be killed. Is it a sin to kill someone??? No. Not in my opinion if they're gonna gun down your ass first. Is it a sin when the Lion eats the zebra? No. It's survival.

Personally, I have never killed someone. Have never owned a gun. But when your dad said things like "I've done terrible things", what was he referring to??? What he did when his life was threatened or what he did after???

Beating your kids is terrible. Killing someone who is gonna kill you isn't. In my opinion.

I, too, am the child of a veteran. But not a Combat Vet. I'm the child of an Officer who ran the R&R center in Honolulu during Vietnam. My father has his own demons from that I think. He would get the guys in for their two week "vacation" of banging hookers and getting drunk only to find out they were killed in combat later. He, too, could be very violent at times. It was his way or the highway. And the highway meant a open palm in the middle of your back. It'll knock you down but not leave bruises. Military training is great, isn't it? Lol

So maybe the language isn't so foreign to me??? Maybe that's what I'm used to. A cold man with a cold heart that cannot communicate but thinks he owns you. Ugh!! Maybe I'm dating my dad after all. Lol

 

[ForgotToLive]

What do you think???

Trust me when I say I don't know anything about anyone but myself.

But I feel compelled to say, and with deep compassion, that you might be fighting a losing battle trying to make him respond to you enough to fulfill your needs. My guess would be that he's got a very very long way to go to be able to meet your needs... and that he may not even be on that path yet. And I say that, while completely understanding that in the "normal world" you would be considered an intensely low-maintenance girlfriend. The problem is he does not live in the normal world. He lives in his mind. He may never live in the normal world.

Perhaps you can ask yourself if you can reposition this relationship in your mind as follows... Can you be completely self contained and yet available to him on his good days only? Can you understand that he is doing the best he can giving you what you need and that although you need so little he still will fall short of that and you can't take it personally? Can you live with never "really knowing" what mood he is going to be in? I'd say if you can say yes to these things then just set your expectations of him lower and give him space (not just while you are at work but on HIS schedule... his EMOTIONAL schedule) If you can't say yes then maybe think about the minimum requirements you need in a partner and set out to find someone that is a better fit. I'm sorry. I know love is really hard even with people who have not had traumatic experiences. Plus I could be totally wrong. I'm just exposing my thoughts is all.

 

[Sweetpea76]

New Some people have problems with what our Vets have had to do. It's WAR. It's kill or be killed. Is it a sin to kill someone??? No. Not in my opinion if they're gonna gun down your ass first. Is it a sin when the Lion eats the zebra? No. It's survival.

Personally, I have never killed someone. Have never owned a gun. But when your dad said things like "I've done terrible things", what was he referring to??? What he did when his life was threatened or what he did after???

This is something that somebody who has never been in combat cannot understand.