What Does It Feel Like To Be Loved By Your Parents?

[raven123]

Rumors & Albatross, You two were lucky. My biggest problem with my mother was she knew better because she had the childhood you two talk about. I can't imagine never being yelled at as a kid. That's how good she had it. She had the Leave it to Beaver type childhood. But, she let my sperm donor abuse me so he'd love her. Her parents would've helped her get us away from if she just would've asked. Everyone said my sperm donor was a bad seed that knew him, including his own brother and sister. His whole family is full of violent narcissists. I have no use for any of them.

 

[Anna]

I often wonder myself. I know my parents made many mistakes. I realise now they do love me, but they could not love me in a normal way as other people experience love towards their children. This was due to their own abuse, which I found out was much worse than mine ever was. I have learned to forgive but not forget.

I get sad when I see how my friends were treated and when I realised what happened to me was not normal. Life is too short for regret. I have accepted it, and I feel sad sometimes. I wonder as well, if I had been loved would I know what it is? Instead of living in fear and hatred?

 

[Raj]

My parents and even Grandmother had favorites and played mind games with many of us. My Grandpa was a little gruff outside but really soft inside, however He put others including me first and only got mad if I didn't take my seizure meds. He loved me!

Think trips to the ice cream shop and building playhouses together. The years where few with out abuse but really remembered. My caring for others come in part from learning how to love from Grandpa to me He was and will always be Dad.

 

[raven123]

Ana,

Your parents at least tried. I'm sorry they didn't succeed. My sperm donor never tried at all. Hate and anger and fear were his deal. If he was 'nice', it was payment for abuse. Most of it was so he'd look good to others. I learned there was a cost for anything and everything.

My mom let his abuse go on. If she had had abuse in his past, it would've made sense. She didn't. She had the Leave it to Beaver childhood. She had a great childhood, which makes me wonder why she did (more what she didn't do) what she did. I have more anger against her than him. She also favored my brother, which she claims she hid, but kids see it. He was a bad seed from the day he was born people said. Of course, she thinks she was a wonderful mother. smh

Her parents, something that came out today during blogging, knew what went on and did nothing themselves. They stayed away. I have no doubt they would've helped had mom asked. She didn't. Anyway, they didn't visit and just allowed abuse to continue. Evil lives when good people sit around and do nothing. I guess they couldn't be bothered to do anything. Makes me wonder if the Christmas checks were good because they did nothing? I. would. not. be. surprised.

It all certainly adds fuel to feeling worthless. Something I have a hard time getting passed. It also fuels anyone doing anything nice for me cause I wonder what do they want? Will they throw it in my face later if I take it? And, I deal with how do I pay it back guilt, thinking about how to pay it back till it's paid back. So, I take little from anyone unless I absolutely have to. Not that many have offered. If I don't take, I don't owe anyone anything. I'd much rather give than get.

I've also believed I don't deserve anything from anyone. When you do without for so long, it's hard to accept anything (material or otherwise) from anyone. And, the thought they might want something or you to feel like you owe them for eternity makes it not worth taking.

I certainly understand what you mean by, "I wonder as well, if I had been loved would I know what it is? Instead of living in fear and hatred?" Same question I asked myself. And, how can I love myself if I don't know what it is? You were lucky to have the grandfather to show you. I had none of that from all those people I lived around, including thousands in churches I had to attend shoving their morality down people's collective throats. Of all those people who had to know, none said a thing.

Because of it, I have no problem cutting and running from anyone as quickly as opening and closing a door. And, if you do me dirty, I'll shed not one tear slamming the door on my way out. 99% of the time, with people like that, I leave and say nothing. It ain't worth it.

I believe people are mostly good till the point comes when they have to stand up do something. Then, those people are far and few between.

 

[journey31]

I'm so sorry. I feel the same, only my mom thinks she is a good mom. She keeps doing the same stuff and denying the bad stuff acting like I'm crazy.

I'd like to know what that feels like too

 

[pathos]

My parents were a mixed bag, and I know intellectually that they love me, but I don't understand the feeling of love or being loved. I don't want to go into the reasons because thinking about it is difficult, but basically... I never learned the feelings.

I can feel intense love for my dogs, though, and I know they love me. Not that it's the same.

 

[Ettina]

What does it feel like to be loved by your parents?

It's a great feeling. It feels like no matter what happens, there is someone out there who will always be on your side, always be there to support you.

I'm so sad you never had that. I don't know how I would've survived without my parents' love, personally. You are very strong to have made it this far without that.

 

[raven123]

basically... I never learned the feelings.

Yep, I understand what you mean. Love is a foreign concept to me. All I know of it is what I say in movies and tv shows, which I'm told is fantasy and doesn't exist and that's called "love addiction". I'm like, well, then, what the hell is love then? Sounds awfully boring.

More and more, as time has gone by and I've dealt with crushing loneliness, I doubt it'll ever reveal itself to me and just have to learn to live without whatever it is. I've always thought that stuff, whatever it is, is just for certain people--the special people--and some of us just got screwed out of it due to abuse.

Nobody has really wanted to work with me on all my abuse issues anyway. I think that is my real problem. I've never had anyone really want to work with me. And, from what I've read, that's long and very expensive so no hope of that ever happening. A good example would be people telling me to cry about all the hurt I've had in life. Despite the fact I might never stop crying, I don't get the point of crying. Another example would be writing letters to my abusers. I did, forgave them and actually feel less than I did before. I'm even more cold and feel non-human like I don't belong anywhere.

 

[raven123]

It's a great feeling. It feels like no matter what happens, there is someone out there who will always be on your side, always be there to support you.

I'm so sad you never had that. I don't know how I would've survived without my parents' love, personally. You are very strong to have made it this far without that.

Thank you. I'm not sure how I'm strong. I've shut down emotionally for over 40 years now. It's made me very shallow and hollow, nothing there. Just empty and lonely and don't really see any point in life anymore.

 

[LizardViolet]

raven123, I am so sorry you had the parents you had.

I have a couple of very fine parents. Even when we were kids (my brother and me), they treated us like people, not like things. They listened to what we had to say. They asked us questions and listened to the answers.

They followed through on their promises and commitments. They were there when they said they would be there.

They were interested in what we wanted and helped us get those things: piano lessons, or college, or whatever. We didn't have a lot of money so when it came to college, there was some negotiation, but they did what they could.

They didn't spoil us, either. There were limits as we were growing up. We had responsibilities in the household.

They have helped me when I've asked for it. When my husband and I were having some difficult conflicts, when my son was small, they mediated our conversation. My father spent almost every Sunday afternoon with my son for several years so my husband and I could have some time, just the two of us, to work things out.

I'm not a normal, average person, but my parents have accepted me just as I am for my whole life. They have welcomed the people I introduced as my partners and friends.

I have a feeling of confidence and security. There are no strings attached. They don't want anything in particular from me, although sometimes they ask me for a favor here or there (and I am happy to help if I can).

I hope you find reasons to go on, raven, and people to connect with who are worthy of your trust.

 

[Anna]

My mum has started sending me all my baby photos through the post. I find this totally bizarre. I have children and I want to keep their photos, especially if they move away.... I don't understand it.

 

[LizardViolet]

Anna, maybe she is trying to make sure that you have them after she is gone.