What does it mean to be a victim?

[piratelady]

I had therapy today. We've started processing some sexual abuse I experienced in middle school and high school. For a while now he's been trying to get me to admit I'm a victim and that it wasn't my fault. Last time I said, based on the definition, yes I am a victim. I said that but didn't really believe it.

This time we talked more about my feelings surrounding those two events. He wanted me to imagine myself as a 16 year old girl in that situation, and really think if I had any real alternative or way out. I get it, I'm supposed to see that I'm not to blame. He also said when my mind goes back to that event between now and next appointment to try to think of myself as a victim.

The emotions that start to come up if I think like that are so overwhelming. I don't understand it. So, if I am a victim, what does that really mean? I know you guys aren't psychic. I also know I'm not the first one to struggle identifying myself as a victim. I guess I'm asking, for those of you who cleared this hurdle, how did that affect you? I don't know if I'm really explaining this well, hopefully someone can follow this.

 

[EveHarrington]

If you’re a victim that means you’ve been victimized...abused, raped, assaulted, etc. It’s just a word that says “something bad happened to me”.

Society burdens the word “victim” into much more than it should be. The burden is placed on victims themselves to not be victims instead of telling victimizers to stop hurting people! See how messed up that is?

I have no problems being a victim because this is the way I see it. I don’t let the term big me down with unnecessary meaning because others can’t handle bad stuff like rape and abuse.

I’m a victim, most recently last week. No matter what I do, I’ll be a victim unless I can conjure up a time machine, lol.

 

[Sideways]

I get it, I'm supposed to see that I'm not to blame.

Is this what your T said, or something you’ve assumed? One of the big things my T is trying to chip away at is getting me to acknowledge not just that it ‘wasn’t my fault’, but also that I had no control, because she’s quite convinced that there’s some deep-seated issues connected to the issue of control, and the level of fear (?) connected to the complete absence of control...

I’m not prepared to say my T is right just yet. I’m not prepared to accept that she’s even on to something. But I wonder if your T is digging at just the issue of blame, or whether there may be a similar victim = you had no control thing going on, and if so, what that would mean for you?

 

[ILoveLife]

Yeah, I had to accept my victim role to go to a higher plane of existence in this whole trauma thing. It's a word, though.

I found that the hard part to accept is not the word itself, but the meaning we attach to it. Like, we see victim as a weak character trait - such as hopeless? Or do we see victim as the person who survived something horrible? Or any other meaning we can give it really.
I figure that if it didn't kill me and I'm still here kicking it's ass, that means I can attribute a better meaning to my own interpretation and nuanced view of the word victim.

 

[mumstheword]

A victim is a temporary state, a problem to solve, a trap to find a way out of, a conundrum, a state to emerge from, a victor emerges from the shell of victim. Survival is victory, victim is never a permanent state, it is just a vital part of our story that, ultimately strengths us and leads to greater wisdom.

 

[piratelady]

Thank you everyone for the replies. I think this helps a lot to understand why I'm struggling with this so much.

But I wonder if your T is digging at just the issue of blame, or whether there may be a similar victim = you had no control thing going on, and if so, what that would mean for you?

He has told me many times that what happened to me isn't my fault. I'm sure there's more to it than that, but I can't even get past thinking I caused this and am to blame. Well, specifically, that the first instance of abuse changed me and so all the other abuse afterwards is my fault. He would like it if I stopped thinking like that - and actually believe it. Yesterday he did say something similar to what you've said above.

That's the thinking that creates the strong emotions though and I don't understand why. Somehow, in my mind, if I'm a victim, if I had no control, that makes it worse, harder to handle and accept.

I found that the hard part to accept is not the word itself, but the meaning we attach to it. Like, we see victim as a weak character trait - such as hopeless? Or do we see victim as the person who survived something horrible? Or any other meaning we can give it really.

victim is never a permanent state

I think you're right about this Sietz. Last appointment I accepted I was a victim, based on the definition that I am someone who was harmed. I think I do see a victim as a hopeless, defining, and permanent quality about me and who I am. Something I am and always will be rather than as a survivor.

I figure that if it didn't kill me and I'm still here kicking it's ass, that means I can attribute a better meaning to my own interpretation and nuanced view of the word victim.

Survival is victory, victim is never a permanent state, it is just a vital part of our story that, ultimately strengths us and leads to greater wisdom.

I hope I can feel this way too sometime. That's much easier to accept.

 

[shimmerz]

but I can't even get past thinking I caused this and am to blame.

I think this line of thinking tends to be shame based. Shame is a healing show stopper, in my opinion. So if he helps you break down that wall and you have a different perception that allows you to believe that you had no control over what happened to you - then you both can move forward. Shame clouds so much when it comes to healing.

The no control thing is huge for me. I suffer from this still and it keeps me frozen. Frozen because I haven't been able to figure out how to keep myself safe from it happening again.

I don't have an answer for that one yet but I am trying. I think for now my therapist's presence is pulling me through to a degree. I bounce things off of her, let her deal with issues I am too f*cked up to deal with myself, but I watch how she manages these things so that I can learn how to do it myself in the future.

I think I do see a victim as a hopeless, defining, and permanent quality about me and who I am.

So it makes sense that your T wants you out of that mindset. There is no power in it and I expect they want you to get to your god given right to live an empowered life - filled with free choice and will.

 

[Teamwork]

I think I shy away from being called a victim too, instead prefer to say victim of......but then that still makes me a victim....alright that didn’t work out very well. It’s not a word I can work with as it comes up in me as, if I say that then I’m asking for sympathy. It’s almost as if it falls into the category of thinking that everyone has stuff happen to them so get over mentality that I was raised with.

 

[shimmerz]

I wonder if it would be an idea to look at the definition
victim | Definition of victim in English by Oxford Dictionaries

and see which one of the terms you resonate with. That may be a good place to start with a therapist.

I did this and it really helped me to pinpoint what my feelings were about how I was victimized and I launched from there in a positive way.

I relate to this at this point :
"Being destroyed by" (fill in the various names here)

But before I looked at it more closely I related more to this:
'helpless or passive when being ill treated (abused)'

^^^ And I was some of that too. I had a lot of work to do around this concept. It wasn't pretty. It really helped me organize my thoughts about what had happened to me and allowed my therapist to understand why I resisted/related to the term so heavily.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think the people who struggle with the term “victim” are the ones who give it a shameful connotation. The goal is then to run toward “survivor” so that you don’t have to feel that shame anymore.

But really, is that the best course of action? Being a victim of someone else’s actions isn’t a shameful thing.

Running from the shame reinforces the idea that you were in the wrong or to blame for being a victim.

This is why I have always had a problem with running toward “survivor” because running from anything isn’t a good way to work through it. You’re just pushing the shame aside instead of dealing with it.

 

[Teamwork]

I think the people who struggle with the term “victim” are the ones who give it a shameful connotation. The goal is then to run toward “survivor” so that you don’t have to feel that shame anymore.

But really, is that the best course of action? Being a victim of someone else’s actions isn’t a shameful thing.

Running from the shame reinforces the idea that you were in the wrong or to blame for being a victim.

This is why I have always had a problem with running toward “survivor” because running from anything isn’t a good way to work through it. You’re just pushing the shame aside instead of dealing with it.

Interesting perspective. I tend to feel awkward relating to both those words. Work to do on both sides I guess.

 

[Freida]

I've been trying to come to terms with that label for years with very little luck. My t finally just took it off the table. We talk about what happened, why, what control I had, blah blah. We stick to the event and the actions -- not the label that defines it - and that has helped tremendously