What Does Ptsd Feel Like To You? Effects?

[Definitely..maybe]

I'm sorry I'm sure there's posts on this somewhere but I would love to know how PTSD affects you guys. What are the worst parts and what does it feel like?

What's a 'normal' day like for you?

Again, I'm sure this has been talked about but I can't find it. Sometimes PTSD just feels so lonely, so I'd be really interested to know the effects on others and not just myself!

 

[Notsowild]

Lets see... A normal day...
I wake up and feel tired from a lousy nights sleep. I feel miserable knowing a have to go work and put on my "normal " face. Interact with all these strong-minded idiots. Talk to my formally abusive now sickly (faking) sweet boss. Think about taking my 5 minute relaxation break then thinking I can't be different than the rest. Fun stuff like that. Wow what a downer I am. Don't you just love PTSD?

 

[Friday]

Most of the time, looked at with 20/20 hindsight, I'm perfectly normal. Meaning most years have been good.

I had 5 or 6 super chaotic years. Lost years. Seriously effing lost years. That are hard to type out because they sound sexy when they were horrifying, and sound horrifying when they were actually pretty sweet, it's just all screwed up.

I had a good solid decade where I had my shit together. Picket fence, amazing kiddo, in school, great work, terrible marriage, rockstar dog, lots of friends, happy holidays. American dream, I guess. I had a few PTSD side effects lingering on (bouts of insomnia, occasional panic attacks, but all the after shocks were so minor I considered myself to have had PTSD. Past tense. Those 5 years in PTSD-land and these 10 years were just night and day.

Past couple years have been bad. Really, really bad. My longest panic attack ever lasted 5 months. I've never had one stretch that far. A few hours, even a couple bad days or weeks? Yah. But 5 effing months??? Oy. It just became normal. Even now, I can't think of the last time I have gotten through a single day without at least 1. Nightmares. Insomnia. Violently ill. My hair is going white in places. I'm not able to digest a lot of food anymore. I'm struggling a lot with ideation. I'm losing time in major ways. At last count I've lost 4 months this year, and I'm afraid to go recount. I can't work. I can't be in school. I need to work. Or be in school. I despise myself. I'm dealing with more rage and anger than I've ever felt. I'm going numb an awful lot. I have to physically restrain myself from a lot of maladaptive behaviors. And felonies. I'm isolating. I've lost every single friend I've ever had.

I pull myself together when I have my son. So well that the people I only see around him are clueless as to how rough things are. That things are rough at all.

But I also know that the moment my son dies, all bets are off. The world is going to burn. And that's a hard place to be. Because when I'm with him, I really love this world. I really love who I am.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

Thank you both so much for your honesty. It's so nice to have this community that understands although I'm so sorry you all have to go through this. It's just interesting to see other perspectives!

:hug:

 

[Sammyiam]

Hi Definitely Maybe,

For me my life has changed completely, I really don't know who I would have been or what things would have been like if I had never been touched as a child, and if I hadn't been through what I went through I wouldn't have got PTSD from such a young age and all the other things like depression, anixiety, paranoia, nightmares waking up covered in sweat terrified etc that seems to always go hand in hand with PTSD. The paranoia and anxiety i have to live with everyday and depression cripples my life some days. Going to sleep every night from 7 or 8 years old having to turn into someone else as I couldn't ever go to sleep being me as I was to terrified to close my eyes, it felt easier if I became someone else in my mind it wasn't me.
The dissociation and numbness has just become a normal part of life as is the time loss. And the personality changes you just don't know who you are anymore, they just become a blur, depending on who you have to be just to make it through.


I think people would not have any idea what it's like to live with these issues, and I wouldn't wish it on any other person on the planet, the uncertainty is so hard to deal with. I hate making appointments even today I went and got my hair cut but now I go to a hairdresser that you just go to and wait your turn, as I carn't stand people close to me that alone cutting hair and touching my neck, plus when you make an appointment you have no idea how you are going to be on that certain day and certain time.

It's the small things that you do, just to try and get through the easiest way possible and to make you feel the safest you can, that everyday people would have no idea how much planning goes into normal everyday events.

 

[Underdog]

For me, my life changed about three or more years ago. I've always been very in touch with my thoughts and body, but withheld most emotions unless they were very strong. Slowly, I felt myself slipping away and something else taking over. I was doing and reacting to things negatively that I would never have done prior, and I couldn't understand the anger and "need" to verbally attack everyone around me. As someone who has always had a deep connection with my thoughts and body, I felt like I was Alice heading down the rabbit hole and didn't know where this was all heading or why. I was absolutely terrified of what I would become, the nightmares, panic attacks, moments where I would come back and realize I had no idea how I just drove home or where I was or what I had been doing, and the worst were the intrusive thoughts/daydreams/flashbacks that just fueled my anger and anxiety even more.

Everyday, I fought to be kind to those on the outside, but what was going on inside showed even if I didn't want it to. Many of my friends seriously thought I had started doing meth or something because they couldn't understand the drastic changes happening. I wasn't me any longer and it had come to the point for me that I either quit the traumatizing job or myself. The later wasn't an option once I realized I was actually and quite seriously thinking about it.

Fast forward to today after having left the last trauma two years ago, and I found myself doing so much better. I was finally becoming me again with only slight, momentary hiccups now and again. But I could quickly see myself in that mindset and quickly stop myself most of the time. Thought I was finally moving past all of the anger and frustration. Then two months ago I felt it all coming back again, but this time without any specific emotion or thoughts of past events. The panic attacks got worse by the day to the point my blood pressure was affected and we were concerned I was going to have a heart attack if the diastolic didn't stop rising, and it was already over 100! Then all those symptoms came crashing back in suddenly. Thought I had moved past it all and truly felt defeated, but learned it won't just go away and I must take charge to better myself through this and recover as best as I can.

There have been long periods where I was completely mentally disabled, unable to do anything. But now, I understand what is happening and am able to express that to those around me. Luckily, I don't have a true job at the moment, only volunteer work. It has provided me the time I need to learn and get better. If I had a job in the past two years, I am sure I would have been triggered hard and things would have been much, much worse today. I'm just hoping and praying that one day soon I can reintegrate back into the work force and maintain a steady job again.

The feelings of helplessness and not being "whole" like my counterparts also haunt me, but I am learning to accept that while I have PTSD, PTSD does not define me nor my capabilities.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

For me PTSD feels like a living nightmare. That no matter how hard I try, I will never wake from it. It feels like all I want to do is hide in a room somewhere and pretend I can be safe there, for safety will never exist. And I feel like no matter how much I try to focus on the here and now and getting better, more junk keeps coming at me from the past and the present so that I will always fall further and further off the path towards healing. I feeling especially low right now though after a tough therapy session and lots of stress right now. But I guess that is part of PTSD. I don't know what a normal day is- for me or for anyone else. It's just another day to try to survive.

 

[Gloww33]

It feels like trying to breath under water, it feels like a life prison sentence for something you didn't do. You have good days and bad days but your never normal, because you fight the symptoms. Sometimes defeated at the edge of hope ready to jump, sometimes you are on the brink of a break through of self discovery.....then your back at square one, completely lost and drowning....you spend your days searching for answers, for testimonials in hopes that a rainbow of peace will appear, in hopes someone fully recovered and has an answer and a cure. It feels like being on a roller coaster when the ride starts. The world without ptsd sees a seat-belt and safety bar, but you don't....