What Gives You Strength?

ability to enjoy an activity that totally takes my mind away from whatever is requiring my strength, cause nothing “ gives” me strength, I just need recovery time to regain whatever strength i had.
I read the word strength as it applies to my life with PTSD and i read it as “resiliance”.
When it seems like everything is piling up and piling on, and I need some time to regain my resiliance so i can withstand the next incoming shit load, I just need some time doing something that I love and feel a passion for. It varies. This Spring and most of the winter it is learning new music on some new bucket list guitars.
Distraction and positive feelings coming from that activity (usually work).
Exercise (when I fight the demons to actually do it!)
Being in nature.
Being outdoors.
Being around good people.
My little kitty kat.
My partner and friends.
Reminding myself of how I turned my life around (no drugs for 19 years this month! No risk taking. No unhealthy relationships etc etc).
I gain the strength to endure by looking to others who have endured, and who have displayed unyielding demonstrations of human resilience. It helps me to understand the effect of my own resilience in life. I also do draw strength from my deliberate choice and commitment to non-violence. Knowing that I have achieved success in this area that is remarkable for who I am, and how I've lived in the past, gives me encouragement to keep on the path. Seeing the impact of non-violence on others, instead being of benefit to others, being able to form genuine reciprocal relationships and lean on them when necessary - that is all a source of strength.
Hell if I know. The same thing that gives me strength in one instance, weakens me in another.

I don't assign strength to people or god.

I keep going because I don't do "weak". Now, weak for me doesn't mean I would view it as weak for you. I don't like being touched. I am uncomfortable with affection. Anything intimate is hard, whether it's physical or emotional. I have been able to avoid massages my entire life, because I viewed them as a recreational activity that is neither necessary nor wanted. Then, I was advised by several doctors to begin massage therapy for injuries. My knee jerk reaction is "f*ck, no." Here is where I find my "strength." I don't do weak or fear. It's okay to have fear, but it's not acceptable for me to back away. So, I got a massage. Because, well, f*ck you. Right? It was not a pleasant experience, and definitely not advisable, triggered, sick, gone, out etc. Long story short, it turned into a sort exposure therapy, I say sort because I was in no way safe and I did stupid trauma worthy things. What got me through it though, was I am going to beat the fear and weak out of me or die trying.

It may not be strength, but it's the closest thing I have to understanding it. Maybe it's just stupidity.
Unfortunately true.
As it turns out I am either robot or brave and stupid. Working on expanding the range, there are notes of other things working to the surface. I have been frustrated that my therapist doesn't PUSH me, but she knows me well enough to see that is not what I actually need. After all, I have done that in the past with limited to no success?


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You have been one I put a lot of confidence in. Along the way your input has helped me redirect my actions and look at things from a different perspective. Especially, I learned that this CPTSD is very narcissistic. It was hard to look at that in myself but I am reminded of that when I become disregulated or when I am angry. 🤗