My husband has been Diagnosed With PSTD and depression. He started therapy and seemed to be doing well. He started EMDR therapy and now I'm an enemy. He is so angry with me and shows me no emotion. Now he wants out. We were a strong couple,very affectionate beat friends. We have been together for 25 years and have kids. He said he has held feeling in his whole life and now he speaking out. Anytime he starts to feel any emotions he gets angry and start calling me names or saying mean things. I feel like my life is a lie . What happened .
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Relationship What Happened
- Post starter Mytime
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Cavegirl
Silver Member
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I knew what to say to help.
Purplemunchkin
Gold Member
I'm sorry things are rough at the moment. From what some of the sufferers have said I understand that intensive therapy makes things worse before it gets better. It brings traumas to the fore for them to be dealt with, which obviously has other repercussions.
May I suggest having a look through some of the therapy threads about EMDR, it may give you some insight.
You say he is not showing you any emotion, but it sounds like he is, they are just emotions you don't like. If he has been bottling this up his entire life he may not know how to deal with his anger, frustration, etc although I would hope his therapist would help him with this.
:hug:
May I suggest having a look through some of the therapy threads about EMDR, it may give you some insight.
You say he is not showing you any emotion, but it sounds like he is, they are just emotions you don't like. If he has been bottling this up his entire life he may not know how to deal with his anger, frustration, etc although I would hope his therapist would help him with this.
:hug:
Mel (Hippo256)
Bronze Member
I'm very sorry for you. I think it's important you contact his therapist. It's possible your husband doesn't really notice this change in his behaviour and relationship and therefore didn't tell the therapist. And the therapist isn't only there for him, it's important they also support the family, especially when the therapy has so much influence on him.
It's possible that he's recalling memories that aren't completely true. Little details could have changes, making you for example say something hurtful. It's also possible that, because EMDR is very intense, he gets into this circle of negative thinking. For example, he starts to be suspicious of you. Thinking you may be out there to hurt him. Because of the things he recalls in his head, this will make the belief stronger that everyone, or you, are going to try betray him too. He acts out and you get into a fight and for him and because of his thinking circle this will give 'prove' that this might be true. This doesn't mean it's your fault. It's very tough for the both of you and even though his behaviour may be undestandable (because of the EMDR), it's not acceptable.
Maybe it's possible to have a session together, or a talk session together. It's important that you get the change to find out what his cognitions are. Then you might be able to explain why you acted in a certain way (and why that wasn't to hurt him) or explain what happened back then, if you think he's accidentally remembering it a bit wrong.
I don't know if you ever met his therapist and how your and his relationship with the therapist is, but I've also had therapists who (we find out later) were trying to break a wedge between me and my partner. We've both been in therapy and we've both encountered those people, even though we're a great match and very supportive for each other (he has changed my life in many positive ways). Because you're already extra vulnerable and irritable and thinking about a lot of negative things that happened in your life, when a therapist starts to doubt the behaivour of your partner, that has a lot of impact. More than if you could think clearly. We really had to discuss what the therapist said and if that was true or not. My partner went with me to sessions, because of the wrong cognitions the therapist actually had. I hope this is not the case with your situation and it probably hardly ever happens, but I did feel like I should tell you. In my and my partner's case it wasn't with EMDR therapy.
It's possible that he's recalling memories that aren't completely true. Little details could have changes, making you for example say something hurtful. It's also possible that, because EMDR is very intense, he gets into this circle of negative thinking. For example, he starts to be suspicious of you. Thinking you may be out there to hurt him. Because of the things he recalls in his head, this will make the belief stronger that everyone, or you, are going to try betray him too. He acts out and you get into a fight and for him and because of his thinking circle this will give 'prove' that this might be true. This doesn't mean it's your fault. It's very tough for the both of you and even though his behaviour may be undestandable (because of the EMDR), it's not acceptable.
Maybe it's possible to have a session together, or a talk session together. It's important that you get the change to find out what his cognitions are. Then you might be able to explain why you acted in a certain way (and why that wasn't to hurt him) or explain what happened back then, if you think he's accidentally remembering it a bit wrong.
I don't know if you ever met his therapist and how your and his relationship with the therapist is, but I've also had therapists who (we find out later) were trying to break a wedge between me and my partner. We've both been in therapy and we've both encountered those people, even though we're a great match and very supportive for each other (he has changed my life in many positive ways). Because you're already extra vulnerable and irritable and thinking about a lot of negative things that happened in your life, when a therapist starts to doubt the behaivour of your partner, that has a lot of impact. More than if you could think clearly. We really had to discuss what the therapist said and if that was true or not. My partner went with me to sessions, because of the wrong cognitions the therapist actually had. I hope this is not the case with your situation and it probably hardly ever happens, but I did feel like I should tell you. In my and my partner's case it wasn't with EMDR therapy.
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- #6
Thank you for your responds it does help to know your not alone. My husband started his EMDR therapy in around April. He also had a heart attack in June. He wants to move out in January. Just trying to get through Christmas. He stays away from home 2-3 nights a week. He is a firefighter so he does shift work.I have tried to let him do his thing but he just keeps pushing himself away from me and I don't know what else to do.
- Post starter
- #7
Mel (Hippo256)
Bronze Member
I think there's no real right or wrong in this case, because you try what you think is best for him and your family. Personally, I would contact his therapist, but try to be open about this, so he doesn't get the feeling it's behind his back. You need to know what he's thinking and going through, otherwise you can't support him. Obviously he's very emotional and he acts it out as anger. I sometimes have anger attacks too (often because of fear) and then I want to break up or things like that. But that's not what I actually want. I just can't think anymore, because of the emotions. When I'm angry I just want to destroy everything I have (not physically though) and push everyone away. Because I want to make sure I can't ever be hurt again, so that's why I shouldn't have contact with people at all.
It's very important that you don't make big decisions like that when you can't think clearly and are influenced by so many memories coming back to you because of the EMDR. It's good he feels safe there, but it sounds like it's not going very well with him since he started this. I'm not saying he should stop, but I think it's important you guys, including the therapist, can talk openly about the things that are happening now.
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