Oh, I can relate to so many of the things you guys mention as triggers. I just realized yesterday that one of 'meanest' triggers for me is the feeling of bare skin on my own. Someone rubbed my bare shoulders, and the first thought was that it felt nice and then *slam* almost immediately I felt very strong disgust, I almost fainted and started to shake controllably.
It was like I wasn't 'allowed' to like a thing like that. I'm aware that I dissociate/and block parts of my mind in intimate situations, because I'm somehow programmed to feel like it isn't safe to like it. I sometimes desperately want a kind, nurturing relationship, with a person I really like. But it seems that everytime I get involved with someone on a more intimate level, somewhere along the line I just shut down my feelings in those situations, or find ways to end them very quickly, like "Hey, now you have been fiddling about with my body long enough, let's start doing the dirty stuff". I've hurt some people deeply, in that respect, just get immensely scared lying about cuddling someone that I love, like all hell is about to break loose if I let myself get caught in the moment?
Poor guy though, he just it meant as a completely friendly gesture and gets that reaction :confused:. Oh well, he knows about c-ptsd and stuff, so of course he know the terror someone small innocent thing like can set of in one mind.
And there is many others. I'm just starting to come to terms with the how's and why's of my condition. I realized I couldn't chance the way I react, if I didn't somehow grew the guts to the stare my demons in the eye, you can only oppress memories for so long. I've always been aware of what happened to me as a child and teen (it's too complicated to tell the whole story, right now), I just 'choose' not to think about it, not vocalising it. But somehow always found myself in potientially dangerous relationships, with people that I didn't care about instead of the ones whom I genuinely feel something good about. Know what I mean? Nice people makes me uneasy, if I fall 'in love' with someone Like if keep repeating the same mistake over and over again would somehow make the outcome different, i don't know?
