Relationship What Healthy Boundaries Have You Set And How Have They Worked Out?

[feetfirst]

I'm reaching the point where I see that for me to maintain sanity amidst the chaos of loving and supporting a PTSD Sufferer, I need to keep the focus on me and take care of my needs. I realize I need to set boundaries, both for myself and for my Sufferer.

I've been reading a lot of discussions about boundaries, but what I don't see discussed much are the actual, specific boundaries that were set. While every relationship is different, I suspect there are some boundaries that are pretty universal and some that are pretty common for frequent patterns. One of the things I struggle with most in setting boundaries is knowing if it's a valid boundary, i.e. am I focusing on the right thing? For those of us just starting to set boundaries, what specific boundaries have you set (for you and/or your Sufferer)? How has setting those boundaries made a difference in your life and the health of your relationship?

 

[feetfirst]

Here's an example of my struggle: S was feeling fragile in general and particularly about a conversation we were beginning. He expressed concerns that I would reject him. I affirmed that I'm not going anywhere. I also told him I'm scared he'll leave me. His response was that he's too fragile to make any promises to anybody about anything.

Is this the type of response that I just have to understand and accept due to PTSD? It's very hurtful and makes me feel insecure. I know it's not his intent, but it feels like emotional blackmail; if I don't do and say what he wants, he'll leave me. Or is that me distorting what he said? Is valid to create some type of boundary, and if so, what boundary? I'm so confused...

Several years ago we were involved for almost a year. He ended up leaving me about a month after we'd had a serious heart-to-heart where he told me how much he loved and needed me and begged me not to give up on him. It took me several months to realize he wasn't coming back. I think the way things ended in 2010 continue to be a source of my insecurity. I just don't know where to draw the line between my issue, his issue and our issue.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't understand what kind of boundaries you'd set in this type of situation. I only see potential ultimatums. Can you explain a bit more?

I think he is being 100% honest with you. He has said that he cannot make any promises. I'm not seeing any emotional blackmail whatsoever. If you cannot be ok with him not being able to promise you anything, there is no boundary setting that will change things.

After reading many posts of late, I can't help but feel that boundary setting is misunderstood. You cannot set boundaries to keep people in. (That is giving ultimatums.)

A typical boundary is saying if you yell at me, I will stop communicating until you calm down.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Boundaries are your limits. They can't be about somebody else's behavior, just your reaction to it.

Examples of my boundaries - I will not tolerate name calling. I will not tolerate yelling or lashing out, hateful talk. I will not participate in those discussions and will exit the situation.

Violence, being an asshole to my kids, and cheating are absolute no-goes. I will leave and not think twice.

I can tolerate isolation, but I need a few compromises. I need a warning and confirmation that he is alive every so often (not everyday... maybe every 4-5 days or so). Just an "I'm alive" text that I agreed not to answer or use to initiate conversations. I also will not tolerate extremely long isolation periods (more than a few weeks). It's fine if he needs to isolate to cope, but ignoring me for months while I think he's dead in a ditch is not the kind of relationship I am willing to be a part of.

These are my limits. Ive communicated my boundaries to him, and he has the choice to respect them or not.

 

[Sciencelover]

You could set an internal boundary.

If it's important for you that you have absolute security in a relationship, the boundary you set with yourself might be:

I will only stay in relationships that feel secure and supportive to me.

You can have compassion for someone who is fragile and uncertain, while also knowing this is not a good romantic fit for you. Yes, he is being honest, and that's great, but he's telling you, in all honesty, that he can't meet your need for security.

There are others who would be better able to meet this need, and it's your job to set an internal boundary where you don't cross the line of being with someone who is clearly not able to meet your needs.

"If I find myself in a position where my partner cannot meet my needs for security, and it greatly interferes with my emotional well-being, I will respect myself and leave the relationship."

You can feel empathy and love towards someone and still maintain a firm boundary, where if your deepest needs aren't being met and you feel fundamentally neglected, you exit the harmful situation.

This is hard for me to say because I have complex trauma myself, and am constantly making it hard for others to love me. At this point, I've realized I need to take ownership, fully, for my healing process, and that I can't expect anyone to sacrifice their own well-being for mine.

 

[feetfirst]

If you cannot be ok with him not being able to promise you anything, there is no boundary setting that will change things....I can't help but feel that boundary setting is misunderstood. You cannot set boundaries to keep people in. (That is giving ultimatums.)

@EveHarrington Thank You! Your response was extremely helpful. I started this thread precisely because I don't think I understand boundaries (and I suspect I'm not alone). I'm so grateful to have found this site, so I can bring my confusions and concerns here instead of acting inappropriately and making my relationship worse. I'm learning SO much!

It helps to know you don't see emotional blackmail in our interaction. Only in the last month have I begun to see how he's not the only one with distorted thinking. I've begun questioning many of my thoughts to determine what's distorted and what isn't. It seems much easier to hear and internalize those distortions when I realize them myself or when they come from someone other than him. I think I'm coming to understand what he means when he says I'm not actually hearing him. When I hear mixed messages (when he's not feeling really vulnerable, he's telling me how much he loves me and about our future together), I've assumed that one or the other must be true, but I'm coming to see maybe they're both true, either simultaneously or at different times.

Boundaries are your limits. They can't be about somebody else's behavior, just your reaction to it.

@Sweetpea76 This definition helps. Thanks too for the examples you provided.

You can feel empathy and love towards someone and still maintain a firm boundary, where if your deepest needs aren't being met and you feel fundamentally neglected, you exit the harmful situation.

@Sciencelover You've given me a lot to think about. Absolute security is an illusion; security itself may be an illusion too. The question I have to answer, it seems, is how able and willing am I to deal with constant ambiguity and mixed messages? My deepest need is to be with someone on whom I can rely. He says when he's cancer free, I'll be able to rely on him.

 

[EveHarrington]

I want to add that even though it might not be emotional blackmail, if you need to have more of a commitment, more emotion, more of whatever------it's ok for you to break things off and find someone who can meet your needs. It's not easy, and it may hurt a lot-----but if he is not capable of meeting your emotional needs then there is nothing wrong with saying that this relationship isn't right for you. Remember, your needs matter very much! PTSD relationships may be more difficult, but I don't think they should be incredibly lop sided. I hope you can figure out if this is a workable relationship for you. It sounds like you really do care, but as in any relationship, there has to be give and take. If he cannot give even a little, maybe he's not in the best place for a relationship right now. :hug:

 

[feetfirst]

It sounds like you really do care, but as in any relationship, there has to be give and take. If he cannot give even a little, maybe he's not in the best place for a relationship right now.

@EveHarrington Thanks! He has mentioned a few times that we should put things on hold until he's cancer free. He realizes he's not able to be there for me now. Not only isn't he able to offer me much while dealing with cancer/chemo, he's also shut me out and won't tell me much at all about what's going on with him and the cancer. Oftentimes, being shut out is the most difficult part. I'm becoming more and more open to the idea of putting things on hold until he's recovered, but I'm scared he'll feel like I'm abandoning him.

 

[dulcia]

Boundaries are your limits. They can't be about somebody else's behavior, just your reaction to it....

Any input on setting boundaries later in a relationship? i.e. I am only just now understanding more and see the need for boundaries, but am unsure how that works if those same boundaries have already been broken in the past (before they were established). If that makes sense.

 

[feetfirst]

@tiredtexan It seems like we only feel the need to set boundaries when we've experienced something(s) that indicate we're no longer able to go along with the status quo. If the boundary you're drawing hadn't been repeatedly violated, there'd probably be no need to set it. There doesn't seem to be a time limit on when this might occur, as we're changing and growing all the time.

 

[Amack]

You could set an internal boundary.

If it's important for you that you have absolute security in a relationship...

Thank you for sharing!!! This gives me hope as a supporter that one day he will get to this point in healing. It takes lots of work I am positive so great job!! Healing can be tough.