Asserting Healthy Boundaries

[upstream]

When I moved out, I made it clear that he was NOT to have my mobile phone number or home address - and he doesn't.

LOL... I did that with my mother. It drove her nuts but it worked. She even called my relatives asking for my address, which they didn't even have. Then she said she would come drive to my college and I would have to tell her where I was. I said, 'no, you'll have to drive right back.'

I like the whole forceful thing you described and Tammy's idea of a letter. I was thinking of emailing him a list of boundaries and a choice... either respect these boundaries or have minimal contact with me.

I recently read that codependent people don't have relationships, they take hostages. He forced me to remain financially dependent on both him AND my abusive mother throughout college by refusing to sign my financial aid forms... I tried for 5 years to get him to sign, telling him about how she was manipulating me with money and telling him about how I go hungry because there isn't enough money for me to buy food. It all fell on deaf ears, he wouldn't take 30 seconds to sign my forms so that I could not be starving and not be abused and have maybe have a chance at a decent life. He would just tell me that he knew better than me, that I had no idea. It's a pattern that repeated itself with two of my jobs, one being a severe health hazard and the other I was being harassed my management and deceived... he talked me into staying with both jobs for the sake of my career, trying to invalidate my perceptions (he wasn't there to know better) and making up bad things that would happen to my career if I quit.

It's as if he has next to zero empathy for me and always believes he knows better, yet somehow after the fact he always feels plagued by guilt.

At the moment I'm trying to squirm out of his control and influence... my sister's solution was to not speak or have contact with him for a year and a half. At the time I found it to be immature, but suddenly I understand her actions.

 

[Clive]

Healthy boundaries from whose perspective?

The trouble with PTSD is to many it is just another bi word for depression and so when one is explaining to family members they may think you are over emphasising the condition and its state.

I found my family to be mixed on this one. My sister who is a very educated woman, a Samaritan, a chair of Governors, volunteer prison counsellor etc just sees PTSD as a form of depression that you can get over. Nothing I said would convince her otherwise. In fact her reticence just exaccerbated my PTSD anger to a huge degree.

Point I suppose I am making is how many times do we hear ' I only realised what is like to have this once I got it.......' and to be fair would we wish this condition on anyone??

 

[2quilt]

If anyone, especially family, treats me with such disrespect, I avoid them and shut them out of my life. Family, more than anyone else, knows where your buttons are, and they push them. Life is too short and precious for me to waste my time trying to convert the beliefs of those who can't or won't treat me with dignity, respect, and honesty. If the "I feel..." statements get a response that I think tells me that the person really does not give a rats ass about my feelings, the relationship ends there. No great loss in my book.

I prefer to hang with people who do respect me, believe me, treat me well.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Upstream,

Some people just live to piss off others and to cause as much upset as they can. Personally I think they get their rocks off doing it. I just wouldn't bother with this person. It's apparent that it is upsetting you, this person is disrespectful, so why bother even writing a letter, or wasting your breath on this person....

 

[tude]

upstream, I've been closely reading this thread with great interest. I have this hidden hope that a healthier Self, which includes setting bondaries, can translate into a healthier relationship with loved ones. The sad truth is... just because I become healthier, doesn't mean they do too. In fact, setting boundaries with them only made it worse initially. All of a sudden, I wasn't allowing the same behaviors to go unaccountable. I wasn't behaving in the same dysfunctional role as I used to- I didn't react and respond to their hurtful behavior and succomb to it. To some extent, when I stopped participating in those unhealthy dynamics, so did my parents. I doubt it's because they have come to respect me and my boundaries.

There finally came a time, the last time, I have allowed them to hurt me. Since then, I haven't shared anything important with them. I am polite and friendly. I show up for my family obligations, always with an escape planned ahead of time. Needless to say, it's the most superficial relationship. I have come to accept the painful reality that I may never have the relationship I want with them. Although painful, it isn't nearly as painful as how I used to allow them to treat me and how I treated myself.

What a relief it is today not being responsible for their thoughts, feelings, and actions. It amazes me what a self-esteem boost it is to respect and be true to myself. Upstream, be good to yourself, be true to yourself, take care of you...it's worth it, even though we may not get the results we want (i.e. for them to change!).

Best Wishes, tude

 

[upstream]

I'm just so tired of running away and trying to start over, I didn't want to have to do that again. I appreciate everyone's feedback and words of encouragement, it helps... I guess I have some choices to make.

 

[upstream]

I found a video about my situation by a psychologist:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xr5y9K_nBTQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zb-BEXiLg9k

I really identified with this video, especially his description of the "convenient shift."

I also have found plenty of research and studies that confirm what I've been saying to him, along with the opinions of a trauma specialist (who believes he is full of it).

I like this city and the people I've met here, but perhaps the price of living here has grown too high. May be time to move back across the country and end the relationship.