What If Money & Work Are Your Trigger?

[brg]

Has anyone here had success working through money or work as a trigger? I've healed a great deal in the other facets of my life. But acting as my free self was part of how I was abused and so making creative work can be triggering. As can working to organize/value to make money from the creative work I truly love to do as opposed to something where I can abandon my self anyway to do the work.

 

[dust]

Hi Bamboo,

I've always been creative and make my living that way now. I was not directly abused for being creative, but my creative space was a place I went to when I was a child. It was a place that I could go to and get away from my life. In that sense it is not a trigger, but a place I go to process my trauma.

When I was bad, I could not access my creative self without being triggered. Now, after lots of work and persistence, I am finding it easier. I have to put boundaries in place and there are layers to the creative work I do - some I keep to myself, and some is public. That works for me.

Creative work can really knock me out - it breaks me down. Just approach it slowly, as you can only do what you can at any given time. I find that I can do more and more now and am very excited about my current work!

dust

 

[anthony]

I'm a little lost as to how money could be a trigger! Money can be a stressor, work can be a stressor... something someone does at work may trigger an anxiety attack... but what you are saying is, money triggers you! How can money physically trigger you?

Are you confused to what a trigger is vs. a stressor? Or are you correct, in that money is a trigger for you?

 

[LoveWins]

I'm a little lost as to how money could be a trigger! Money can be a stressor, work can be a stressor... something someone does at work may trigger an anxiety attack... but what you are saying is, money triggers you! How can money physically trigger you?

Are you confused to what a trigger is vs. a stressor? Or are you correct, in that money is a trigger for you?

I wondered the same but didn't know how to word it

I haven't worked in yers but that is because whenever I've tried I failed because of being triggered whilst at work or not being able to handle the stress of the situation, but money in itself doesn't trigger (although like everyone I get stressed with it!)

 

[AthenaErdmann]

I'm a little lost as to how money could be a trigger! ... Are you confused to what a trigger is vs. a stressor? Or are you correct, in that money is a trigger for you?

Well, here's my two bits on how money can become a trigger and what that triggering may look like. This applies to me, of course, I could not answer for anyone else.

I was deliberately raised to neither feel my own feelings (this was mom's specialty) nor function independently (this was dad's area of expertise). My freedom to do anything on or of my own, explore, try my strength, find my own style, choose my own friends, form and voice opinions etc. etc. was all tramped down. This naturally included having strictly controlled access to money (we got a very small weekly allowance, and would only get money for "acceptable" clothes and hobbies, which weren't many) and not being allowed to make money, i.e. not being allowed to work. I never had a proper summer job until I finished high school. Dad said I did not "need" a job, and that schoolwork was most important, and got angry if I tried to question that. Mom would then step in and get me a two-week gig that was directly tied to her job - she was training up her little assistant, you see. I never chose a job myself before I was way past 23. It is surprising and sad how effectively the constant pressure of mental manipulation combined with threats and violence can stunt the development of a child and teenager.

Also, I was actively (and if necessary, aggressively) discouraged from asking questions about money. My parents did not want to share information about how they balanced their checkbooks or how they invested. When I was curious, both my parents made it quite clear that I did not need to know (yet - when it would be that I would eventually need to know was never discussed).

When my dad committed suicide (I was 19 then), my mom said we did not "need to" use an attorney for sorting out the estate, and then she repeatedly tried to take over or transfer into her own name funds and property that legally belonged to us girls. We were all naive in the extreme, as I am the eldest, and we had all been brought up the same, to not know anything about money. In the beginning we believed her, until my middle sister happened to read something somewhere, and started to ask questions.

argh, writing this is turning my stomach upside down, I'll have to continue later

THANKS Anthony for asking - I obviously need to get this thing out in the open.

Athena

 

[AthenaErdmann]

...continued from previous post:

Oh, and of course none of us were allowed to take a driver's license as long as dad lived: none of us could afford one as we had no money of our own, and as we were not allowed to work, we could not make the money, either. His excuse went something like "There is no point in having a driver's license before you have access to a car." (We did not have a car, as my mom had insisted on buying a house so big and posh that my parents barely could afford it)

My mom used a combination of flattery, empty promises, smoke screens, half-truths, outright lies and strong-arming to trick us, one by one, to make more or less dangerously stupid economic decisions. She e.g. encouraged me to buy an apartment I really could not afford way before I even had my first diploma, because it was "such a good investment" and "of course she would help". When I had lived there for about five months, and still had some courses left to finish (I was working full time and studying), she suddenly asked when I had thought of starting to pay her back. Her "help" had "naturally" been a loan, "how could I possibly have thought anything else?" Thankfully I managed to sell that apartment (it was way too big for one person, anyway), and buy one half the size, and pay off my mom's "help".

Both my younger sisters she encouraged to study abroad, in expensive colleges, promising that we would sell the house when they graduate, so they thus could pay the loans easily. She took the loans in her own name, and let everyone in her environment understand that *she* was paying for their studies. Only she "forgot" to mention to any one of us, that the house could not legally be sold without her mother's say-so (her house was on our property, too). And my mother's mother did not want to move when the time came, so my youngest sister got to a hair's breadth from landing on the street, with a high quality M.A., but hardly two dollar bills to rub together.

In the showdown that followed, when we found out that we were stuck financially because of grandmother, it became quite clear that mom had always intended for my sisters to sign over their share of the property to her in exchange for their studies abroad. My middle sister was enraged enough to threaten to go to the press about how mom had treated us, and literally in two seconds mom caved in and agreed to reduce their debt to her to half. She was so deadly afraid of such publicity she gave away what would amount to some 70,000 USD today.

I could go on. But I guess you get the picture already.

The main point is that from both my parents I have received a relentlessly repetitive message, for as long as I have had any curiosity about money (say, from early secondary school): I have no right to any money or even information about financial issues: not to inherit, not to keep what is mine, not to make money - nada, zilch. I only have the right to do as I am told and rely fully on my parents to handle all financial issues.

Now, with that background, imagine trying to live in this world, when every time you have even just a potential chance of making money, you first have to fight off half a dozen screaming "ghosts" from inside your head, that say YOU HAVE NO RIGHT - that it is not your money, it is theirs, all theirs. Or when you get a letter from the tax authorities, and you shake in fear for a week before you somehow manage to force yourself to open it. Or when you don't dare to call your bank to ask for advice, because it is FORBIDDEN to be curious...

I also often have problems in getting bills paid on time, because I get so anxious from just the thought that I *can* afford to pay them (!!!)

Money can indeed be a trigger. A stressor also, definitely (I have experienced that when I have been unemployed), but also a genuine trigger, IME.

Athena

 

[AthenaErdmann]

Bamboo, I hope I did not scare you with my outburst. I am really glad you started this thread, and I hope we will see you on this forum again.

 

[James B.]

^^^
Bullseye Athena - re-arrange the players a bit, and you have illustrated my situation relating to money. Bamboo, I used to do creative stuff from home, but never felt able to charge what it was worth. I remember 'just wanting people to like me' and grossly undervalued my skills. The above posts illustrate why I was such a poor negotiator of the bottom line when it came to jobs in creative services. It sucks to sit here and write this: I never felt entitled to any success, and to this day cannot deal with (mostly) any signs of material reward.

 

[Andre]

I'm not sure how useful this idea would really be, but perhaps to defeat the fear of making/having money taking a few business courses could help. What others have written above reminded me of some things, although they don't have anything to do with why I'm here. Into early adulthood I let others make all financial decisions for me. I'm turning that around now. I am studying to become an economic and financial analyst. That is probably an impractical solution for most but if you have the time and inclination there are a lot of very promising opportunities.