I'd have to go with, "I'm right here if you need me" and "I'm not going to give up on you" as the two biggest comforts to me. The confusion for me is that I push people away, but I need them. I feel like a dog whose been kicked to many times, but still wants to be petted. Trust, trust, trust.
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What Is Best To Say To A PTSD Sufferer?
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sallysellsseashells
Silver Member
what can we do?
That is very important, and I wish to comment further. But I have a question first:
What can we 'sufferers'/survivors say/do to make it easier on our carers/loved ones?
I've been accused of being too demanding, having a negative overall world view, being a pessimist, being a snob, and other such things. My problems have also been minimized, and people have tried to belittle me (unsuccessfully) because they see the Disorder as a weakness in me.
I think for carers/loved ones with PTSD, it is important to understand that the disorder is demanding of the 'sufferer'/survivor. So, instead of stating, "You are being demanding", you could say something like, "this has been a demanding day for us".
If you think that someone has a negative overall view of the world, you might want to consider their experiences have impacted negatively on them, only because the experiences were negative. It is not delusional to acknowledge what you know the truth of your experiences to be. It may be delusional to believe that ALL experiences in future will be difficult, or not worth being around for.
“Bad things do happen, but good things can too, and we can help each other experience those good things, and help make them happen for others” or “there are good people in the world: look at you and I” might be a little more gentle way to cheer someone up, rather than saying, “it could be worse, you could be cut up in a million pieces and thrown into a river” or, “Eat your bloody dinner, there’s someone on the other side of the world who is hungry, cold, sick, disabled, dying – and they don’t have any dinner. You have much more to appreciate… (etc.)”
- I have to admit, I’ve made similar statements myself as a ‘sufferer’. But as a survivor, when I’m doing really well, I have the ability to make others feel good about themselves, which is a nice thing to experience. I believe statements like these coming from my mouth, were kind of jammed down there as a kid. I don’t have an excuse for saying things like that as a survivor (i.e. when I’m mentally calm, and relatively stable and well), but when I’m in a state of despair, I often say things I later regret, and I know that I am in a way, re-living the experiences from my mothers perspective…
I think it is probably right not to sympathize with extremely negative attitudes, it is right to be understanding, and either talk it out, or allow the ‘sufferer’ to calm down in their own time if they need it
I feel a lot of guilt when I say things that are hurtful that I don’t mean. If I could think rationally at the time, I would not say those things. It’s not good to reinforce the bad things someone says, but understanding that they temporarily lost control – rather than punishing them, will go a long way towards healing, and mutuality.
I don’t beat myself up over it, in the sense that, after the initial guilt I’m like, right: that was pretty dumb, but I have to look after myself (usually some time later). I’m not letting anyone else pull me down over this (if possible).
Sometimes people react to this unwillingness to whip my own ass, with a good telling off session, or emotional abuse: such as punishing me for it (abandonment, yelling match, guilt trip – which only triggers more flashbacks). I think it’s pretty unreasonable to tell someone off over a loss of control of themselves that was instigated by a flashback – a trigger, and not substance abuse or a bad decision they made before the loss of control.
I think when there is a negative cycle between two people, not one, but two people are responsible. But in the case of people with PTSD, the part of the sufferer that is responsible is their “instinctive/subconscious/animal” part, and the part responsible in the ‘carer’/loved one is their rational part (sufferer A. being “naughty” today, therefore I must “punish”, so that they do not be naughty again – Pavlov’s’ dog type stuff… negative reinforcement…)… it kind of doesn’t work… and it kind of is humiliating to be used in this way or dehumanizing… and those experiences in themselves can cause flashbacks (and more “naughty” behavior).
Try and understand that the PTSD ‘sufferer’/survivor wants to get well and behave appropriately and contribute.
What can we do to help you to help us?
That is very important, and I wish to comment further. But I have a question first:
What can we 'sufferers'/survivors say/do to make it easier on our carers/loved ones?
I've been accused of being too demanding, having a negative overall world view, being a pessimist, being a snob, and other such things. My problems have also been minimized, and people have tried to belittle me (unsuccessfully) because they see the Disorder as a weakness in me.
I think for carers/loved ones with PTSD, it is important to understand that the disorder is demanding of the 'sufferer'/survivor. So, instead of stating, "You are being demanding", you could say something like, "this has been a demanding day for us".
If you think that someone has a negative overall view of the world, you might want to consider their experiences have impacted negatively on them, only because the experiences were negative. It is not delusional to acknowledge what you know the truth of your experiences to be. It may be delusional to believe that ALL experiences in future will be difficult, or not worth being around for.
“Bad things do happen, but good things can too, and we can help each other experience those good things, and help make them happen for others” or “there are good people in the world: look at you and I” might be a little more gentle way to cheer someone up, rather than saying, “it could be worse, you could be cut up in a million pieces and thrown into a river” or, “Eat your bloody dinner, there’s someone on the other side of the world who is hungry, cold, sick, disabled, dying – and they don’t have any dinner. You have much more to appreciate… (etc.)”
- I have to admit, I’ve made similar statements myself as a ‘sufferer’. But as a survivor, when I’m doing really well, I have the ability to make others feel good about themselves, which is a nice thing to experience. I believe statements like these coming from my mouth, were kind of jammed down there as a kid. I don’t have an excuse for saying things like that as a survivor (i.e. when I’m mentally calm, and relatively stable and well), but when I’m in a state of despair, I often say things I later regret, and I know that I am in a way, re-living the experiences from my mothers perspective…
I think it is probably right not to sympathize with extremely negative attitudes, it is right to be understanding, and either talk it out, or allow the ‘sufferer’ to calm down in their own time if they need it
I feel a lot of guilt when I say things that are hurtful that I don’t mean. If I could think rationally at the time, I would not say those things. It’s not good to reinforce the bad things someone says, but understanding that they temporarily lost control – rather than punishing them, will go a long way towards healing, and mutuality.
I don’t beat myself up over it, in the sense that, after the initial guilt I’m like, right: that was pretty dumb, but I have to look after myself (usually some time later). I’m not letting anyone else pull me down over this (if possible).
Sometimes people react to this unwillingness to whip my own ass, with a good telling off session, or emotional abuse: such as punishing me for it (abandonment, yelling match, guilt trip – which only triggers more flashbacks). I think it’s pretty unreasonable to tell someone off over a loss of control of themselves that was instigated by a flashback – a trigger, and not substance abuse or a bad decision they made before the loss of control.
I think when there is a negative cycle between two people, not one, but two people are responsible. But in the case of people with PTSD, the part of the sufferer that is responsible is their “instinctive/subconscious/animal” part, and the part responsible in the ‘carer’/loved one is their rational part (sufferer A. being “naughty” today, therefore I must “punish”, so that they do not be naughty again – Pavlov’s’ dog type stuff… negative reinforcement…)… it kind of doesn’t work… and it kind of is humiliating to be used in this way or dehumanizing… and those experiences in themselves can cause flashbacks (and more “naughty” behavior).
Try and understand that the PTSD ‘sufferer’/survivor wants to get well and behave appropriately and contribute.
What can we do to help you to help us?
Irton Pike
Gold Member
"come on you big lunk, lets go to bed"
But only from the mrs.
But only from the mrs.
It isn't what they say that's anywhere near as important as what they do. Actions speak so much louder than words! I was lied to. Words don't really mean much to me at this point. They could be another lie...
Someone did say something one time that stands out above everything else, though.
"If you think you're crazy, that's the first indication that you aren't! Crazy people don't know they're crazy!!" I had to think about that for a long time before it made sense and I could let myself believe it.
Someone did say something one time that stands out above everything else, though.
"If you think you're crazy, that's the first indication that you aren't! Crazy people don't know they're crazy!!" I had to think about that for a long time before it made sense and I could let myself believe it.
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Nicolette
Supporter Admin
A Carer's Point Of View
While I sit on the other side of the fence....I found love works, which may even mean just sitting there with a face washer washing off the sweat pouring out and saying nothing or just holding hands.
I believe there is a fine line between support and enabling. Sometimes I find it best to say nothing and sometimes I find it is best to say things. I think time and experience teaches you how to best deal with "your sufferer" if you want to learn.
While I sit on the other side of the fence....I found love works, which may even mean just sitting there with a face washer washing off the sweat pouring out and saying nothing or just holding hands.
I believe there is a fine line between support and enabling. Sometimes I find it best to say nothing and sometimes I find it is best to say things. I think time and experience teaches you how to best deal with "your sufferer" if you want to learn.
How kind of you to ask!
Sometimes, I need to isolate just to limit the amount of demands placed on me by normal household living or the amount of sound, stimulus of any kind. THen I could appreciate my Husband saying something like, " feel free or go ahead and rest. I'll get the phone."
If I'm under stress, taking part in a conversation about the economy or business with my journalist husband is beyond my ability. I find talking hard. Sorting out words, even being able to speak is hard. So a Question like are you OK with this? or do you need more quiet time? helps. He's never asked it yet. He likes to talk:rolleyes:
I need to hear, over and over again,"I will never leave you." and "I love you." when I am calm and balanced to refill my empty bucket made of pain. "I love you" during a flashback to childhood prostitution is beyond terrifying. "I'll take care of you." is what the princes said in the beginning of their fantasy which always ended with them reaching' Happily Ever After'
"I'm proud of you" is a good one when I am calm. It gives me strength to widthstand the next onslaught of ptsd.:hello:
Sometimes, I need to isolate just to limit the amount of demands placed on me by normal household living or the amount of sound, stimulus of any kind. THen I could appreciate my Husband saying something like, " feel free or go ahead and rest. I'll get the phone."
If I'm under stress, taking part in a conversation about the economy or business with my journalist husband is beyond my ability. I find talking hard. Sorting out words, even being able to speak is hard. So a Question like are you OK with this? or do you need more quiet time? helps. He's never asked it yet. He likes to talk:rolleyes:
I need to hear, over and over again,"I will never leave you." and "I love you." when I am calm and balanced to refill my empty bucket made of pain. "I love you" during a flashback to childhood prostitution is beyond terrifying. "I'll take care of you." is what the princes said in the beginning of their fantasy which always ended with them reaching' Happily Ever After'
"I'm proud of you" is a good one when I am calm. It gives me strength to widthstand the next onslaught of ptsd.:hello:
If someone would just say "Is there anything I can do for you" would mean the world to me when I am having a difficult day. Something else that would help is someone saying "That its understandable you are traumatized after what you have been through" because I feel most of the time like no one understands or believes me including even the medical professionals that are suppose to be helping me with this.
It's ok, you are safe now. It happened but you are safe now.
Being able to cry in front of someone and them not react too much helps too. i dont want sympathy and the tears can be sadness or frustration or anger. I often cry and my close friends dont really register it. They notice but they dont over sympathise. I prefer it like that.
Being able to cry in front of someone and them not react too much helps too. i dont want sympathy and the tears can be sadness or frustration or anger. I often cry and my close friends dont really register it. They notice but they dont over sympathise. I prefer it like that.
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