Childhood What Is Child Abuse?

[Chimera]

Child abuse can be any actions, behavior, words or intentions that cause a child to be fearful of their well-being, or the well-being of those they love.
It can be discussed and disputed but it's always about the fears created in the child's life.

 

[Chimera]

*sexual abuse.

Well I'm commited now aren't I? Stupid phone.

So many years ago I read an article ab...

I was thinking about this today.
As a child I never considered their behavior as a negative, there were too many men behaving the same way with me. I was well conditioned to be an object.
And as an object, I had no feelings reflected towards self...they always eminated out from me.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I wish i could tell you more

it's ok @void, thanks for replying :hug:

 

[Kintsugi]

However, what is it about child abuse that we, as adult survivors of it find so distressing?

I haven't been able to read all of the comments here, but I wanted to address this, as I have very recently started to understand this and why my relationship with my mother holds so much gravity when she was not the primary source of my abuse (emotional/verbal abuse and maybe neglect--hard for me to say, really, as my perception is still a bit wonky I think).

In delving into attachment stuff, I am beginning to realize that children identify their caregivers' physical, emotional, and verbal attention as a life-or-death must-have, like food and water and shelter and air. That is a base thing and necessarily core to children's psyche. When caregivers violate those needs by withholding or betraying them, children interpret this neglect or outright harm as life-threatening.

My T says I have a real problem with splitting, and I have disorganized attachment with an emphasis on anxious attachment, or whatever it's being called. All this first stems from my mother's presumed neglect and emotional/verbal abuse, which caused me to attach to my older brother, which opened the door for him to sexually abuse me for years and left me super duper f*cked up, which seems to be why my mother is still the rawest subject for me, even though you'd think my abuse from my brother would hurt more as that is what seems to have given me PTSD.

 

[Suzetig]

I can relate to this, my dad was incredibly violent with me - he literally tried to beat the "badness" out if me but years later it's my relationship with my mum, her cruelty and neglect that has completely undermined my sense of self and leaves me feeling worthless.

I think those early attachment relationships are key and while my dad was violent, he still managed to communicate some level of care for me, I've never doubted that he loved me. My mum however, I think would have left be by the side of the road if she could have got away with it. Her resentment and rejection have caused me unbearable pain and I still struggle to see myself as worthy of love and care, if my mum couldn't give me that, why on earth would anyone else?

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Mothers do so much damage. In my case, too. I struggle to hate my father because there were good parts with him. With mother, no good at all.

 

[Mit]

I too have struggled with this question, apologies if this response is too personal.

I had repeated surgeries throughout my childhood which have shaped me and led to my current difficulties. Any time in hospital for a child, away from carers must be upsetting, but clearly it can't be abuse because the 'intent' is good. That's what I was always told at least.

So when I was being held down and forced fed foul medicines, restrained whilst they removed stitches from my genitals without anaesthetic, having my penis sprayed with a freezing aerosol to prevent erection following treatment, photographed naked, having sutures cut deep into my genitals because they didn't allow for swelling, and so on, over the course of 13 years etc.etc. I had to accept it because I was repeatedly told it was for my own good, the intent was good, to make me better.

So I never did complain, or told my parents about the way things were sometimes done (not always), that hurt or humiliated. I never told them about being smacked in front of other children on the ward by a nurse for wetting the bed, or being molested and sexually assaulted by a medic, because I was told it was necessary treatment, and why wouldn't I believe that, after years of medical treatment, I still believed the intent was good, so I cooperated.

I guess at best it was at times traumatising, at worst abusive, but who decides or defines?

It was this confusion and lack of clarity, was it abusive, traumatic, is it ok to say I was affected, am I being ungrateful....? that kept me quiet throughout, and for the next 40 years, whilst I quietly internalised the experiences and evolved harmful ways of dealing with it that have been truly disruptive and damaging to me and my family.

I still don't really know how to define child abuse that fits with all potential situations.

Sorry if this is rambling. Still raw after 40 years.

 

[Lucycat]

I guess at best it was at times traumatising, at worst abusive, but who decides or defines?

This is so true.
I guess this is the reason for this thread in my eyes. For the purpose of defining PTSD, you need to be able to determine trauma. It was traumatic for you with hindsight. But at the time for all the reasons you have stated you kept quiet. Then all the 'what if?'s come to mind. If you had been able to fight back, refuse consent, tell the adults in charge etc etc. Would they have cared or acted? Was- it in their eyes- just the way things were. What about the child in the bed next to you? If he was subjected to the same experience did he also get PTSD or did he shrug it off?

I am not trying to minimise your horrific experience. I can see clearly abuse in what you went through.

 

[Suzetig]

I think that's part of the challenge, as children we experience our reality as normal unless and until someone shows us something different - by which time the damage is done!

 

[Mit]

You're not minimizing it @Lucycat, not at all. There were other boys having similar surgeries for the same condition, who knows how they reacted. I know kids can cope with a huge amount of distress, with the right care and support, so the behaviours of carers is yet another factor in this type of situation.

I was adopted as well, so did that predispose me to trauma too. So many things must influence how a child reacts to potentially traumatizing events. It's a question that's hard to fathom. I'm glad you posed it.

 

[Gs172003]

*sexual abuse.

Well I'm commited now aren't I? Stupid phone.

So many years ago I read an article ab...

I don't believe for one second it didn't have any effect. Not to mention what happened with any unintended pregnancies?

 

[Gs172003]

It is not only girls which are 'initiated' sexually by an adult.
There have been 'groups/tribes' where male...

Did that tribe die out? With that little chance for babies where did they get children?