What Is On Your Mind Right This Second?

The other day was a bad storm- red is heavy on the radar, this was beyond at pink, purple, maroon. Lion's share fell in 45 min, was over in less than 2 hours and started at 3:30 a.m., was out in it by 4:15. Said only about 50 mm fell (about 2"), diidn't make sense as even 'pink' is 4"/ hour. But neighbour today said his rain gauge showed 5 1/2 " (about 135 mm). Considering that fared well. Thankful. Was the only one out in it except 2 cars, and one turned around.

Funny to me that I have less subjective fear about being outside in water past my knees in a lightning storm, than using the phone or going to work each day.
 
I am so very very grateful/ thankful to be off today, though I have virtually no vacation left. But I dread work so much. I have to work on my attitude I know. But yep, it's pretty much dread. Not going to recall it today, at least as much as I'm able. Was too tired to even wash my face last night. 😴 But I have better new/ old pillows, and also not 1/2 as sore. And slept better for past week since tuesday. So thankful for this day off, double-checked it!!
 
My concerns are small compared to other posts here, I feel ashamed of that. I feel I guess I don't have a voice, and thinking so feels worse than not having one. I guess I am just too tired to try to find some good reason for existing out of nothing, tired of trying to find something positive-enough. Probably more tired than I thought, took an hour to answer 2 texts and make a sandwich.
 

Charbella

MyPTSD Pro
My dog was injured tonight and I’m afraid to wait and see how he feels in the morning before taking him to the emergency vet. I’m also aware of the fact that if I take him he won’t get any sleep which is fine if he is broken he’d probably rather be tended to but if he isn’t then I took his sleep for nothing. Poor little guy.
 
Hope your pup is ok @Charbella . 😟

Wow, I have huge news with my neighbour(s). Expecting 3 new ones, mistook the people coming in to the first one. Heard huge news with my other great neighbour who's renting and was going to move, but he died twice literally on the table 6 weeks ago with emergency surgery (infection and bleeding ulcer), was still going to move across the country (we actually tossed around the idea of pooling resources and going together because it's my relative's dream location, at least in this country, not my dream but wouldn't want to prevent hers) but possibly now going to buy, heard huge news about those owners also. Great thought however as he always invites for a beer/ bar-b-q (grills from morning to midnight lol), works from home. Great person. And because owners have let stuff go (fence is good but they are graded in to us/ weeds/ trees that have rooted in small area between us/ overgrown vines/ no down pipe or eaves on their garage / squirrel trouble in their garage), can fix area between us. We offered to help clear it out but he said no way should we work like that he'll get his (male) friends to come, even starting tomorrow (he is physically still recovering, still on IV antibiotics). He's only 6 years older than me. Has always offered help when the chips were down, says am a call away. I said the same for 911 esp, any time since we both have trouble sleeping, which he's needed once since surgery. And another surgery upcoming. I know and like his best friend also. We all said, in this case we wouldn't even need a fence between us if he stayed. 🤣

I thought of something else totally unrelated, has bugged me at work as usually1st to come, always last to go (scheduled) yet also even less pay than some, but they are saying their schedules are all full. But I thought, what bothers me is not that as much as I need help (there), I am exhausted. Same situation exactly with a relative elsewhere. They say it's the Pareto Effect. but really it's just a circus.
 
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I was too tired after work to even wash last night.

Life + stress is inevitable, and with ptsd there is a huge pblm and constant draining challenge managing stress. It is a terrible conundrum. I realize this is part of what it feels makes life/ parts of life/ the future feel unbearable. I feel at my limit for abilities or resources to reduce stress. I'm out of ideas or simply unable +/or incapable to do more of what reduces it.
 
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How do you deal with hurt, or where do you put it to function? It feels like grief, or rather leaves me like grief leaves me.

Even when I forgive it, the knowledge that that is how they feel, (because they say they will not apologize as they mean every word of it, and they never apologize) changes everything.
 
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My concerns are small compared to other posts here, I feel ashamed of that. I feel I guess I don't have a voice, and thinking so feels worse than not having one. I guess I am just too tired to try to find some good reason for existing out of nothing, tired of trying to find something positive-enough. Probably more tired than I thought, took an hour to answer 2 texts and make a sandwich.
Totally get that, I've often felt my trauma isn't as serious or as others. What I have learnt is there is always someone worse off than you, but there's also a ton of people who haven't had the trauma you've survived either. I know its really hard, but try to remember you're here for a reason, a valid one at that, yet isn't it amazing that after all the shit the world has thrown our way, we were all still able to make it here. Trauma is trauma, and its not meant to be compared, but apparently this thinking is quite normal for anyone who's suffered trauma. The irony eh!

Eugh, the tirdness! I usually find the tiredness is when my brain has been firing constantly and and I'm twitchy, can't concentrate etc etc, and then I'll have a real lull, like taking an hour to answer some texts and make a sandwich. It's almost like my brain has had enough and said you need to slow down. Bloody frustrating though isn't it!
 
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