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What Is On Your Mind Right This Second?

Grateful I managed something today, not through my control as accomplishing any of it was nothing short of miraculous. Grateful my friend could do the same for his needs. Thinking I am grateful that when I can't speak (doing my best) I can still be understood. That doesn't feel shame-filled either. Thinking it's hard to say good-byes but even more dread not to. That is probably past-influenced. Even what a good bye is (or isn't, or isn't a goodbye) is also influenced the same way, with some glitch in my thought process. I am glad when others can give clarity, and I am glad when I can follow it rather than just my own thoughts which are too scrambled from the past. If that makes sense.
Had an awful nightmare but where I stood up to someone for someone else. But the person I stood up to, though seemingly familiar during my nightmare, was a composite. And I suppose in a way it was standing up for myself too, which I don't usually do (kindly in my nightmare). But then the guy morphed like a fibre optic lightbulb. It was weird and gross. Probably because I stood up to a bullying coworker yestehrday (kindly, I think). Also ate a boxed Angus burger x2, maybe garlic in it? But about a month ago I had a nightmare where my friend stood up for me, got between me and the bully, or rather me behind him. I hate the nightmares have returned. Mind you this one was stupid, I also was going to cut the grass last night in it (it's snowing). I guess they say forget content, how did you feel? And mostly I wish I could do more for my friend, and angry at bullies.

Also tying to sleep more/ better is difficult. And I think I'm used to compatmentalizing the difficult or painful a lot my whole life.

But I also see it as a distraction, garlic-infused or not. I am not so useful for helping others if I am distracted by self-cenetered thoughts, which is part of why I resent bbullying in my own life. It not only disturbs my peace and gives me a headache and indigestion, but by it's nature distracts me from anything more useful. I am going to refocus to what and who is more important, the rest can get blinders.

Sorry I'm sure this is stupid and there must have been a short way to say that but it escapes me atm.
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This futon is EITHER going to be amazing… OR… will need to die in a fire.

Not sure which, yet!

Day 1 : I can stand up straight for the first time in a year, OMFG finally this is brilliant; but BOY HOWDY every muscle is screaming at me.

Day 2 : Still standing up straight, and only my hips and low back are attempting to secede from the Union. Hoping I don’t need to tattoo stars and bars across my arse. Feels like it, though.
I want to get FECO (Full Cannabis Extract Oil) to battle a recent cancer diagnosis and that is very much on my mind.

I have heard many a miraculous story about the healing properties of FECO also sometimes called Rick Simpson Oil (which is made in a slightly different way), but is supposed to be good in the battle against cancer. For 10 weeks of cancer treatment with FECO, the cost is about a thousand dollars which I do not have, but I can buy smaller amounts a little at a time and get it that way.

Because medical marijuana doesn't become legal until 2025 in Ky, I can go to a legal out-of-state dispensary to get the oil. I qualify for the state senator's executive order which allows me to purchase medical marijuana since I have 3 qualifying conditions; FIbromyalgia, PTSD, and cancer.

I hope I can get the oil. My sister died without the benefit of FECO and it made me sad for her.
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Awake tossing and turning and itchy and sore and uncomfortable, got up as no use to keep trying to sleep. I think my mind is metabolizing so much info. It came to me the words, my friend was treated horribly. Like being kicked down and then kicked when you're down. With no semblance of care, but harm. I know I'm no peach all the time, and so it's maybe judgmental, but it is such cruelty. I am disgusted. But mostly that breaks my heart and makes me very sad for his sake, that's what the words are. And nothing I can do to help him feel better. WTF is wrong with people???
I think he knows @Teasel . No remotely sane person would not support him. I am sort of in the loop. sort of not. Plus all of his own stuff to do/ organize, and choose what he needs. Just sad to go through, horrible stress for him. I know that much in my own way from lousy work, bosses and bullies and anxiety. Best thing he can do is take care of himself and do what gives himself a break or brings him strength or consolation. Plus, I know I don't do goodbyes well anyway and have little capacity to see them as temporary, but that is my pblm and the last thing anyone needs esp under stress is having to think about other's feelings or even think of them, and certainly not what I would want to infer. One can't even define their own at those times, it's just enough to get through it.

I'm raised more like a guy, what such people need is to be punched out on the playground IMHO. Which I don't feel for myself but that's what they need if you ask me. People who need their asses kissed usually need them kicked too. It's them who should feel ashamed and disgusted with themselves. People who create stress and pblms and sorrow and worry because they don't like the word 'no'. Sick. They should just be saying Thank You.

ETA , and I forgot to say, alongside grief too. Not to mention a conscientious person doesn't need to be pushed to do more. There is too much sorrow in the world and life is difficult enough without intentionally creating more. 😢
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@Teasel just to say, when all is said and done I do think, or hope, that it will be a blessing in disguise for my friend as for once he can concentrate on himself. And before it passed a point so much harder to recovepr from. Because no two people are the same, but I think I understand that better than many.. And so I am happy too but I also know healing can be very painful sometimes. I wouldn't be surprised if he has ptsd. Not from this but In play.

And most of all he deserves good things and joy. I was very lucky for his help and his friendship. And who knows? Maybe things will be ok. Or better.
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i can't waste time on this today, as have to get going. I know too my mind is not helpful left to think.

Just thinking though, after reading a different thread, I do not understand what makes me tick, or what I associate with what. Most things go back to childhood: neglect was offset by independence and being treated like an adult/ in the loop. Grief was offset by information. Needs were superseded by realities. As much as I would have attempted not to raise a child that way (so informed), it was because they are a child. I am who or how I am now as an adult because of it, but as an adult the shielding is not required. It is all that I know. The absence is hard to not see as a lack of care. And yet equally, I don' care to be cared for. It definitely leaves a temptation to feeling I am nothing (not important to me), and such relationships are nothing (important to me). Yet, I have zero desire to chase answers, as I don't see disclosure as something that should ever be forced or phony.

I guess I had to live around and survive on lots of info. It was both normal, my connotation to connectedness, and all that was relevant. The absence is questionable to me, in terms of the 'feeling', what it means or infers, rather than the fact of it. And yet having no real care that my feelings matter, either.

Wow all that junk ^^^ pre-coffee. lol 🤪
ETA, I guess it still comes back to remember to continue to trust who and what I choose (that is a decision or an act, even if relatively new to me). Otherwise it's the same old spiral. And perhaps nurture relationships where my feelings do matter.

Also, I recall it said transparency is important post-abuse. and when I think of other stuff, enmeshment or emotional incest, that stuff, well it skews stuff. Hard to figure it out.

Come to think of it, I don't even think I was smart, I did love to learn but was straight A+'s probably just because I was used to taking in info to exist or manage. If I had to do stuff I had to figure out how. If I had to or wanted to read people (and not add to their burdens) I had to be aware and hold the info in my head/ heart to feel I could weigh what helped best or what was prudent. Genuinely for their sake. I can remember that as young as 5/6.

And it's not wasted time here. Funny, talk of self-needs does feel wasted and embarrassing. (And I've always noticed the word embarrassing includes bar(e)-ass(ed). I've always thought it isn't a coincidence. 🤣 )