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What Is On Your Mind Right This Second?

i can't waste time on this today, as have to get going. I know too my mind is not helpful left to think.

Just thinking though, after reading a different thread, I do not understand what makes me tick, or what I associate with what. Most things go back to childhood: neglect was offset by independence and being treated like an adult/ in the loop. Grief was offset by information. Needs were superseded by realities. As much as I would have attempted not to raise a child that way (so informed), it was because they are a child. I am who or how I am now as an adult because of it, but as an adult the shielding is not required. It is all that I know. The absence is hard to not see as a lack of care. And yet equally, I don' care to be cared for. It definitely leaves a temptation to feeling I am nothing (not important to me), and such relationships are nothing (important to me). Yet, I have zero desire to chase answers, as I don't see disclosure as something that should ever be forced or phony.

I guess I had to live around and survive on lots of info. It was both normal, my connotation to connectedness, and all that was relevant. The absence is questionable to me, in terms of the 'feeling', what it means or infers, rather than the fact of it. And yet having no real care that my feelings matter, either.

Wow all that junk ^^^ pre-coffee. lol 🤪
ETA, I guess it still comes back to remember to continue to trust who and what I choose (that is a decision or an act, even if relatively new to me). Otherwise it's the same old spiral. And perhaps nurture relationships where my feelings do matter.

Also, I recall it said transparency is important post-abuse. and when I think of other stuff, enmeshment or emotional incest, that stuff, well it skews stuff. Hard to figure it out.

Come to think of it, I don't even think I was smart, I did love to learn but was straight A+'s probably just because I was used to taking in info to exist or manage. If I had to do stuff I had to figure out how. If I had to or wanted to read people (and not add to their burdens) I had to be aware and hold the info in my head/ heart to feel I could weigh what helped best or what was prudent. Genuinely for their sake. I can remember that as young as 5/6.

And it's not wasted time here. Funny, talk of self-needs does feel wasted and embarrassing. (And I've always noticed the word embarrassing includes bar(e)-ass(ed). I've always thought it isn't a coincidence. 🤣 )
A thread got me thinking about this, (for me) I don't despise Christmas, I used to love it best. But now it is a sad time for me, a broken hearted time, and maybe not a time to pretend otherwise. There are different types of poverty that aren't all financial. And it's hardest in poverty to be surrounded by affluence. This year I have some time off. No one reaches out anyway. I could go away. But I don't want to waste the money either.

I also, unrelated, had a strange dream a couple of months ago. Can think of 2 things it might mean, or nothing at all of course. But I was told something in the dream. I will know if it has any credence by March. Or was just stupid.
f*cktard A S S H O L E S (self centered c*nts, who deserve to die screaming) who bring their “Just A Cold” (or bronchitis or whatever) into work, social engagements, etc.

Live a so called “good” life into HELL, you motherf*cking piece of shit murdering c*nts.

Assuming I, or someone like me, doesn’t rip your spines through your motherf*cking chests. You worthless, piece of shit, f*cking ASSHOLES.
Confused by the battle of the sexes today.

Am a straight male ally of the gender equality and women's rights movement, I was mainly raised by women, my female family members and women friends include survivors of rape and battery by men, I've intervened to defend women from men in public at the risk of my own physical safety. I shared a home with a lesbian in college. I loath the so-called "manosphere" of the "mens rights" movement. I've had steady, monogamous long-term relationships with women. I have happy, trusting, respectful professional relationships with women. I love women as my fellow human beings. Just be a human being regardless of gender, I say.

Yet I am frequently dismayed by women's behaviour, as much towards other women and children as towards men, in so very many ways. Maybe I should accept that if women are equal, then they are going to be equally bad as well as good. Maybe I should look to my own experiences shaping my point of view. Yet it feels somehow connected that these days it very often feels like my gender is hated. I feel exhausted by it. It feels like a war. Can we make some peace, and maybe even happiness?
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Tomorrow is gonna be hard for me because all of my family, except for my daughter, has died. I will miss them but my daughter is coming to visit and I need to hide the fact that I am sad.

How about telling them how sad you are, as well as that you love them? It might even surprise you how much they appreciate your honesty with them, which is a form of love.
it very often feels like my gender is hated.
Can you separate the fact that some people hate your gender from the fact that probably little to no people in your own life hate you (based on how you described your life)? Consider that women are used to (some have internalized) their gender being hated (even if you don’t) and/or have experienced being treated like shit for thinking their voices deserve to be heard or that they deserve to be take up space somewhere. Ditto for men (and women—double whammy) whose main ancestors are not from Western European countries. There’s a lot of hate in the world, and I’m sorry that you’re feeling exhausted from it—you’re not alone there! It can take a bit of getting used to, but might try what some of us do: send love to them, those who hate are probably having a much worse go at life than you.
1st night no night sweats, yay. Don't know what has woken me up however.

One month to Christmas. Don't know what to feel. Wow, woah, ugh? Unsure.

Spent one hour yesterday running around, and running would be a misnomer. Physically spent.

Got a lot of brain fog with covid. Just can't remember some simple words, in English and once in french, though I know what word I want, and I could describe it, they are real simple, like mouthwash or cat. Which was scary, then funny, then scary again. Though oddly I could have short conversations with the dog in spanish(?) Which she doesn't speak. 😉

Woke up with gratitude, and doubt. Wondering if I am just an idiot to believe words? innocent isn't the word to describe it but naive isn't either. Maybe foolish to believe? I do figure what I feed, faith or doubt, will determine how I think and what I conclude.

Remembered some words of my mom's which I agree with. Unfortunately there's nothing I can do to apply them. Other than in general getting my heart in the right place, and what I choose to think and do coming from that place.
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I hope I can do this without a million typos, want to get it down.

I feel thankful. And I think I'm getting better at watching if thoughts lead to peace (or not).

Was thinking I am actually kind of innocent. I mean not as a sweet child. But i am not in control of much, even life itself. And the process of choosing to trust, and feeling child-like, embodies it. Maybe requires it. The vulnerability kind of necessitates it. And feeling childlike is not exactly a choice for me. Of course not always, but yes if I can be both true to myself and vulnerable.

Fwiw, despite the risk, I will risk it. In a different way it is peaceful. Scary but peaceful.