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What Is On Your Mind Right This Second?

A thread got me thinking about this, (for me) I don't despise Christmas, I used to love it best. But now it is a sad time for me, a broken hearted time, and maybe not a time to pretend otherwise. There are different types of poverty that aren't all financial. And it's hardest in poverty to be surrounded by affluence. This year I have some time off. No one reaches out anyway. I could go away. But I don't want to waste the money either.

I also, unrelated, had a strange dream a couple of months ago. Can think of 2 things it might mean, or nothing at all of course. But I was told something in the dream. I will know if it has any credence by March. Or was just stupid.
 
f*cktard A S S H O L E S (self centered c*nts, who deserve to die screaming) who bring their “Just A Cold” (or bronchitis or whatever) into work, social engagements, etc.

Live a so called “good” life into HELL, you motherf*cking piece of shit murdering c*nts.

Assuming I, or someone like me, doesn’t rip your spines through your motherf*cking chests. You worthless, piece of shit, f*cking ASSHOLES.
 
Confused by the battle of the sexes today.

Am a straight male ally of the gender equality and women's rights movement, I was mainly raised by women, my female family members and women friends include survivors of rape and battery by men, I've intervened to defend women from men in public at the risk of my own physical safety. I shared a home with a lesbian in college. I loath the so-called "manosphere" of the "mens rights" movement. I've had steady, monogamous long-term relationships with women. I have happy, trusting, respectful professional relationships with women. I love women as my fellow human beings. Just be a human being regardless of gender, I say.

Yet I am frequently dismayed by women's behaviour, as much towards other women and children as towards men, in so very many ways. Maybe I should accept that if women are equal, then they are going to be equally bad as well as good. Maybe I should look to my own experiences shaping my point of view. Yet it feels somehow connected that these days it very often feels like my gender is hated. I feel exhausted by it. It feels like a war. Can we make some peace, and maybe even happiness?
 
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it very often feels like my gender is hated.
Can you separate the fact that some people hate your gender from the fact that probably little to no people in your own life hate you (based on how you described your life)? Consider that women are used to (some have internalized) their gender being hated (even if you don’t) and/or have experienced being treated like shit for thinking their voices deserve to be heard or that they deserve to be take up space somewhere. Ditto for men (and women—double whammy) whose main ancestors are not from Western European countries. There’s a lot of hate in the world, and I’m sorry that you’re feeling exhausted from it—you’re not alone there! It can take a bit of getting used to, but might try what some of us do: send love to them, those who hate are probably having a much worse go at life than you.
 
1st night no night sweats, yay. Don't know what has woken me up however.

One month to Christmas. Don't know what to feel. Wow, woah, ugh? Unsure.

Spent one hour yesterday running around, and running would be a misnomer. Physically spent.

Got a lot of brain fog with covid. Just can't remember some simple words, in English and once in french, though I know what word I want, and I could describe it, they are real simple, like mouthwash or cat. Which was scary, then funny, then scary again. Though oddly I could have short conversations with the dog in spanish(?) Which she doesn't speak. 😉

Woke up with gratitude, and doubt. Wondering if I am just an idiot to believe words? innocent isn't the word to describe it but naive isn't either. Maybe foolish to believe? I do figure what I feed, faith or doubt, will determine how I think and what I conclude.

Remembered some words of my mom's which I agree with. Unfortunately there's nothing I can do to apply them. Other than in general getting my heart in the right place, and what I choose to think and do coming from that place.
 
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I hope I can do this without a million typos, want to get it down.

I feel thankful. And I think I'm getting better at watching if thoughts lead to peace (or not).

Was thinking I am actually kind of innocent. I mean not as a sweet child. But i am not in control of much, even life itself. And the process of choosing to trust, and feeling child-like, embodies it. Maybe requires it. The vulnerability kind of necessitates it. And feeling childlike is not exactly a choice for me. Of course not always, but yes if I can be both true to myself and vulnerable.

Fwiw, despite the risk, I will risk it. In a different way it is peaceful. Scary but peaceful.
 
I received an apology yesterday, that was nearly a 1st. Unfortunately, forgiveness aside, I feel flat. Dead. That it has turned a corner.

I do know I will not contribute to whatever ends up their plans, including if they change their mind and then want a Christmas tree. I packed the stuff back up, and that's a job in itself but tired of cleaning around it and tripping over it. I certainly won't stand in their way, or be negative about it. But not going to do the work or pretend I want it; but if they want it- great! Do what they want. Versus whereas in the past I do most of the prep for most stuff all year, or am encouraging even if I am faking it. This time, if there is a Christmas or we're living I'm not faking it nor staying. Not adding negative but not adding positive either. Do what they want. No more effort from me to assuage, reach out, or fill any breeches. If they don't make the effort that's their choice. Let's just say I'm not holding my breath on that being a priority or thought for any of them. And I'm ok with that. It's over. I've been coming around to it, thought last year I am not contacting anyone, they can or not and if not I'm not putting in the effort this time. My only regret was not following that all year, it weeds out a lot.

Saw a picture yesterday of my dead sister and thought, "My sister was an as*hole. But not as much an as*hole as one of them living." Which isn't very loving and a 1st. Out came the thought "Not much of a sister". and the futility and burden of being born after them, when it was so obvious that was a bad choice. i wish very much I hadn't been forced in to that.

There is a bus strike looming. I'm going to use a guy's parka over mine if I need to walk re: to and from work. should be pretty as it's size 44. 😅 Would look better if I had a dog attached on a leash.

I got forced/ they wouldn't take no for an answer for something I declined that they accepted on thursday but insisted otherwise on friday. Hopefully I won't have to be present on Christmas Day itself. Found them a gift though today and one for a hamper last week , of which at that time I was happy. Hope they like it as was in Top Toys (was Sold Out everywhere) and has several but 2 main parts and looks intriguing/ exciting, lots of imagination and they have a brother close enough in age they might play together, or easily alone or with friends. Hope they like it. Need wrap.
 
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Well, many things on my mind: grateful friend reached out, though not much I can help practically, though I hope I can give support through prayers. Sad I doubted him, or rather how he is, because I never doubted 'who' he is (heart).

Heard someone I like and respect a lot say ~Christmas trees are wonderful! He said he loves Christmas too, which is kind of the rarer thing to hear, especially nowadays. Oddly he was in the background when I started to turn my life around, at about 20, and was solid, though he wouldn't know any of that. Anyway it was hope I needed to hear, for all of us and in struggle and the unknown and fear.

Reconciled with sister, more so by getting toys for kids- her idea- and now she wants a tree! A new tree, which maybe is a good thought. I apologized, and then she did again too.

And many other things on my mind though so tired. Such a bizarre day, and so many people so violent or distressed around. Except for one cute young mom I complimented and laughed with waiting for a bus. She said her kids were little troublemakers, I said that's the best kind lol. Oh ya, and a kind man who offered to help me in a store.

Finished 99% of my Christmas shopping today. Except for deliveries/ pick ups. I am ok with stopping there, and focusing on other things.

Pup's birthday Dec 17th, the day I physically got up and showed up for help to live vs. despair and planning an exit.

Idk how exactly it looks, but I am kicking my own ass, or rather mostly reminding myself that it sure seems evident there are lots of awful temptations to doubt, give up or destroy seemingly around so many, including myself. I don't even know how I will manage without my friend's direction, tbh. More importantly, I know how difficult it surely must be for him. But, something he told me long ago was in storms maintain a holding pattern. And the quiet storms of loss, or fear, or sadness or the negative actions of others shouldn't deter from who and what's important, or I shouldn't let myself fall in to it and especially not contribute, return in kind or create my own.

I did recall, though not sure of the exact words, the plans I have for you are for good not disaster. i wish I could lighten the load for the people I care the most about. I hope God will, because I feel, from my experience, God exists, even 2 things today were quite remarkable, actually one very much so, and had much interior meaning for me. Especially when I've received the help, what can I do to return the same, just ask they receive even better than I have/ do, because that would be humungous. i hope so.

Not really good at words tonight. But the best I can do. If it was the Feelings thread I would have a lot, but hard to name even one. I guess it would be more accurate to say all of these things are more on my heart than on my mind.
 
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