What Is On Your Mind Right This Second?

First of all, it really feels like my mind has been through the blender with COVID. But anyway… here we are.

Been learning about quantum electrodynamics and also watching chaotic TikTok’s. And suddenly I realized how many people have neurons representing Albert Einstein. And somehow that is comforting to me imagining how many people in the world can say at least one thing about Einstein.

And Einstein didn’t believe in black holes. And the Big Bang wasn’t even an idea until the 70s. And the idea that the universe is expanding exponentially wasn’t a thing until around he time of 9/11.

The reason you don’t fall through the chair you’re sitting on is because you electrons are exchanging virtual photons.
 
I just feel utterly worthless, broken and unfixable. I feel stuck. I've tried so many things over the years, but the PTSD just seems to take over. I don't mean to be a downer, but I'm struggling badly. The world is a very dark place right now. I have treatment resistant depression and I've reached out to a psychiatrist for the first time in over a decade after my last psychiatrist threw pills at me until I was suicidal. I don't have a lot of hope, but it's something.
 
Someone… actually a series of someones… hurt my mom’s feelings, tonight, at the funeral of one of her best friends (also her sister-in-law for ofer 50 years / my auntie).

Still need a fangs, emoji, because I’d really like to BITE someone.

I really hate funerals.
 
My out of town sis wished me a happy birthday last night, about 2 days off but still. It's about only the 2nd time in near 40 years. That. Is. Something. Who'd have thought. 👀 Maybe because this was one of the years I didn't care less if she did or not? -Still..
 
Work stress, especially for monday, so what is new. 😔

Unrelated, I know most things have nothing to do with me, I am irrelevant or it's just self-centered/ far too ego-centric thinking. I also know I would be inclined to think of negative explanations. But, I can't shake the feeling I'm being protected from info. I never was in my life nor as a child, and it is an awful and uncomfortable, horrible feeling. I don't like the feeling.
 
I am utterly terrible at rolling cigarettes.

Not that it’s a skill I’m sad about not having, but the lack of dexterity is pissing me off.
 
I am utterly terrible at rolling cigarettes.

Not that it’s a skill I’m sad about not having, but the lack of dexterity is pissing me off.
I wasn't thinking about it til I read this but I can roll a perfect cigarette every time without thinking in seconds. I never think about it until people bring it up or see me doing. Lots of years smoking ryo's
 
I am utterly terrible at rolling cigarettes.

Not that it’s a skill I’m sad about not having, but the lack of dexterity is pissing me off.
Hold it on the ends like you normally would. Put the tobacco in the middle and loosely spread it out so that it is still mostly in the middle and not right up to the edges. The key is to tuck it from the middle out. Once the middle is tucked you can kind of manipulate the tobacco towards the edges as you're tucking.

Middle out is really the big secret once you get it down its really hard to mess it up. You'll get it once you realize how easy it is.
 
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