What Is On Your Mind Right This Second?


Trying to shake sadness and despair and difficulties these last days.
Glad one sister's surgery went well.
Other sister's tests now 2, moved date due to their screw up.
See I can still donate hair, maybe a different place this time. So will leave it so I can leave myself some length (shorter it is more it curls. ➰ 😳 ➰ )
Wish my sister could find what she lost. 😢
Sister and bf made great w/chair for pup. 👍⭐
Dreading work tomorrow.
Think low bp is complication for covid, and vaccine. As also seen with those with high bp who continue on bp meds while ill, and present often with Diabetes. JMHThought though.
Was called a beautiful bird the other day, that was cute and never heard it before. Have a new 'couple' in birdhouse outside my back door as of yesterday. And 2 new bunnies, one is large baby, but a raven around. Kicked it out twice!! 😠
Thankful a bit for one thing today, but it took me a long time to realize it. Often my brain and self is my own worst enemy.
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I am thinking about how I either don't or can't switch out of survival mode and get on with the business of living instead of just surviving.
I start with hedonism.

How can I make this fun?

I do that in real-survival mode, too... but the space/elbow room of normal life allows it to flourish and evolve into a different thing, altogether. Thriving. The business of living probably makes an appearance in there, somewhere, but I’m more tuned to extremes & work better there than in the middling. I get stuck and bogged down in the middling. Which naturally devolves into crisis, and back into surviving. I need a slingshot out & over the morass. Passion, purpose, vivacity, excitement, joy, etc.? Works as that sling shot. So every small moment and tiny thing I can think of? The more I seize on those moments of fun, the more knee-jerk and baseline it becomes? The faster & more reliably I shift out of survival mode & into pura vida. Pure life.


Thank you for your reply @Friday. I am sort of lost when it comes to the word 'fun'. Since becoming the sole survivor of my family, I have lost a lot of my zest for living. I suppose that is due to grief. (I lost the remaining 3 family members, (mom, sister, and brother), I had over the past 3 years.)

Passion and purpose I can understand because there are things that I am very passionate about. World peace, victim-survivor advocacy, the "green" movement, climate change, my freedom as a 70's hippie, etc. Perhaps I can use these things to slingshot me over the morass. I love music and I like to sing tho I am not necessarily good at it. Before my sister passed away I would sing nearly every day, But not so much since she's passed away.

It is like the song, I suppose I have become "Comfortably Numb." I guess grief deadens or 'waters down' passion, purpose, and fun, but I will try to rise above the sorrow and lay claim to "life" again. I am not satisfied to simply survive anymore, and although I do believe it is a noble fight, I have got to find more than simple survival.

My "T" says that I have been thru so much that I seem to almost thrive on adversity. I guess if you get used to only one mode of living it is easy to become stuck there. Gonna have to revisit this post a few times and try to pin down what might work best for me as I believe I need to let this all sink in a bit.

Thanks again for your reply.


I was thinking this morning on how 'Mother' is more like the accurate description of the term 'Angel'- what one does, rather than a title, or name. Therefore, many are Mothers, including some Fathers.

Unrelated, I learned apparently SI usually comes from depression + low serotonin levels- commonly 'screwy' with ADD, as well as dopamine levels. Also increased cortisol leads to greater likelihood of impulsitivity. Good sources (tryptophan as the precursor) are pb, turkey, I think even yogurt, which I crave. Also drops really low with no sleep, increases with exercise and natural light, and the lower the levels the more impaired cognitive ability as well (can't think of other options). Anyway, Idk why no one ever mentions that, or rarely, re: serotonin?
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Right now I'm thinking about my older brother Peter and missing him dearly. This whole month, I've been grieving over him and still can't believe he killed himself. It makes me sad anytime I see my Mom sleeping on the couch and blaming herself for his actions. I keep telling her that it's not her fault for not seeing that he was in trouble and that my brother was most likely hurting for awhile and didn't tell anyone because he felt like a burden. I truly understand it so much because he has PTSD too and he always seemed to hide things from everyone. He would always have a smile on his face, but when I looked into his eyes I could tell that he was sad and depressed. I never of course said anything, because I didn't want to upset him for pointing it out to him. Anytime someone pointed things out to him, he ended up being angry about it and tell people to mind their own buisness. Sometimes I feel guilty for not ever bringing it up again, but I can't keep blaming myself about everything. Blaming yourself is like a vicious cycle that never seems to stop. No matter how many times people say, "It's not your fault." you don't believe it anyway. It's up to the person to love themselves. I couldn't save my brother from his choices, but I still miss him and cry about him daily. My brother was a good person, he was just keeping so much in for so long....


I'm being tested for possible Dementia in a Dr's office about three hours away from here. I'm nervous, not because I might have it, but about being on a bus for that long. I hope we can make rest stops. I can't imagine traveling that far without taking a breather for that long!


I want a Mennonite or Amish style buggy . All closed in. So I can drive my ponies privately.

but - cannot get one here. When I asked a carriage maker this week who makes ‘any carriage you want’ they said ‘oh - no. We cannot do that’.

why are my wants always ‘weird’